Darkness Within
by darkrevenge
Summary: Duo has reached rock bottom and digging himself deeper... can he be saved? AU yaoi dark themes
1. Wrong Delivery

The Darkness Within  
Chapter 1 - Day 1

a/n:

I do not own Gundam Wing

AU - 2xHilde, (very vague suggestion of 4x3),4x2, 5x2, 5x2xHilde, 2xHilde, and not sure how it would play out after that. You can try to sway me of how I'd end the story. YAOI! The pairings are not the main theme. There is nothing explicit. Language can be a bit of a concern and themes give the M rating. This is not for the faint of heart. There will be cutting, attempted suicide, teen pregnancy, father Maxwell is going to be a child rapist, and all sorts of darkness. Hence the title. Given the situation Duo is going to be slightly OOC at first.. he's very angsty, but I'm hoping it can slide for a bit...

I'd like to give a brief shout out to four wonderful writers. One-hep-cat, snowdragon, duos-deathscythe and In2lalaland. Without their inspiration… this story would not have been made and I would still be in hiatus. Thus, I am eternally grateful to each.

As a warning… this story is going to literally rip my heart to shreds to tell, but it must be told for my sanity.

..............

This was sanctuary. The metallic screaming in my ear buds were my only focus. I was balled up on my bed facing a blank wall. I studied the bumps in the white paint to the point that if I was asked to map them out I probably could. "Duuuuo!" I ignored my foster mother. "DUO!" She screamed. "Door!" Fine. I take the buds out of my ear and slide my music player across the bedding. There was no rush. Maybe by the time I got there they would be gone. I was in boxers. I grabbed a shirt off the pile on my floor and slipped it on. Luck would have it that it would be the band logo of the one that was screaming in my ear. My feet padded on the wooden floor outside of my room and across the hall. I avoided the figure in the mirror as I approached the door. Slowly I opened it.

A girl, I'd guess around my age, stood staring down at an envelope in her hand. She had a shock of short blue… maybe purple hair, it was hard to tell. She looked up at me shyly. "I have a letter here. It came to my mail box, but it's your address. You live in apartment two and I'm at five. This written number looks a little like an upside down five. I suppose that's why the mail got mixed up. Are you Nikita?" You've got to be fucking kidding me. I realize I have three feet of hair… and it's loose now, but I'm all guy. It's very obvious. I hope…. Then she dared to ask, "Um… do you speak English?"

The idea of spouting off any of the few languages I knew was highly tempting, but instead I said, "My mother is Nikita. I'm Duo." I held out my hand to get the letter from her.

She gave me a handshake instead, "Hilde S-." She cut herself off. She didn't let go of my hand. Instead she lifted my arm. She gasped, "Y-you're a cutter!" Tell everyone from here to Tibet, why don't you? I yanked my hand out of her grasp and snatched the letter from her. Then I shut the door in her face. Bitch.

I leaned against the door I just shut. My breath caught in my throat... She saw. The bitch fucking saw! I am so stupid. Glancing down my arms the scars and thin red lines were accusing me. Tears threatened to over take me. I pushed them back. Fuck. I'm not going to let that bitch get to me.

"Duo? Who was that?" My foster mother asked from her room. She was lying down. She wasn't feeling too well, but her lungs still worked, unfortunately. No, I don't hate her... She's probably the closest I'll ever have to a real mother....

"No one," I tossed the envelope on the coffee table. It landed perfectly. My arms itched. I winced. Oh… my god. I can't stop. Tears threatening again. Anger. Be angry. Angry is okay. I've cried enough! I bit the piercing on my lip. I grabbed my right wrist trying to resist it. It was a sickness. A delicious sickness. I anticipated the blade. No, don't look! Fuck. I'm looking at my naked arm. There is a patch of skin untouched with the crisscross pattern of self-inflected wounds. It was very inviting. Sure… I did it under duress, but there was something I've noticed lately… something very vaguely sexual about it. The slow cut of the blade was almost like a tickle… then a sting… and it ached. I longed for that. Stop it! No! Oh I could almost feel his hands on me… first my knee. Then he would slowly move up. Stop it! Duo, get a grip! Ouch! A sharp pain snapped me out of it. The fact I was digging into the flesh of my arm with my unkempt nails was a surprise. A very minor stir in my shorts alarmed me. I felt nauseous. Tears wet my cheeks. Frustrated, I wiped them with my arms and stalked into the bathroom to get sick.


	2. Creepy Dude

Darkness With In  
Chapter 2 - Day 1

a/n: I'm doing short chapters in hopes to get out updates quick. There is a lot of this story in my head and it is desperately needing to get out.

………

A jerk in my physical education class decided to snag the band (and several strands of hair with it!) out of amusement. Later I found out his name was Wufei Chang. I desperately tried to get the band for him. We struggled together in the middle of a soccer match. My knee sliding combined with my weight on his groin ended the fight. I wish I thought of that sooner, but thankfully luck and accident was on my side. The ass deserved it. I managed to get the band from him as we were pulled apart. He spat at me being a girl as we were escorted to the principal's office… in our physical education uniforms. Wufei had a limp. A smirk played on my lips. I combed my fingers through my hair before I expertly weaved it into a braid and replaced the rubber band.

Incidentally, they had us sit next to each other waiting for the principal. What a stupid move. At first we didn't look at each other. Then glares. It was a good half hour before we were seen only to get sentenced to Saturday school. Crap. I was looking forward to suspension, which is the usual punishment for fights. Instead I have to go to school for an extra day… with him. We were sent back to gym. Thankfully because I am not wearing this hideous uniform any more. The stupid shorts were so short that even I slid the waist band down to made it a little less awkward. The puke green of the shorts didn't make things any better. Of course this meant being followed by Wufei. He would send glares my way.

I was too busy regarding Wufei that I literally ran into none other than Hilde. This made her drop her books. With a sigh I started helping her pick them up. So did Wufei miraculously. He whistled at a Math book, "Advanced Calculus."

She didn't seem to notice him. She looked directly at me. She grabbed one of my covered arms. I hissed in pain. She asked, "Why do you do it?" I shrugged. She frowned, "Duo?" I wasn't about to answer her.

"Do what?" Wufei butted in.

Thankfully she didn't blurt it out. She was still staring at me, "I don't understand."

"You never will," I growled. "I got to get back to the gym." She twisted my arm and made me hiss again. I yanked my arm out of her hand and hurried to the gym. Wufei was hot on my heels. He grabbed the back of my shirt. That's it. He jumped out of the way from a blow I attempted at his stomach. He put his arms up. I growled at him.

"What is up with you?"

I blinked. He was still clueless? Arm warmers… the stereotype alone should be enough to figure it out…. Combined with my reaction to her twisting my arm should hit it home. "I want to get out of this uniform."

He insisted, "That girl...."

"Never mind her," I headed back to the gym. Soon as I was in the guy's locker room I started stripping off the shirt.

Wufei was behind me, "That's a pretty wicked scar on your back."

"I went through a glass coffee table," I admitted. He looked confused, but I wasn't going to explain the event that led to that. It might not have scarred so bad if I had proper medical treatment. It was an acquiesce with no medical training what so ever that picked the glass out of me and stitched me up. The only advantage was the alcohol. I got to drink it too. I swallowed a lump in my throat.

Soon I was back into my street clothes… which were blue jeans and a black shirt. The arm warmers now looked more like part of an undershirt or something rather than separate. I casually went into the men's room. I found a stall. I closed the lid and sat on it. Slowly I rolled up one of the arm things revealing fresh wounds. I closed my eyes. Suddenly there was a knock. It was Wufei's voice, "You going to be in there all day?"

"What the hell?" I asked. Can I ever escape this guy? I got up and shoved the door open. It managed to hit him in the arm. Good. He didn't seem to take offense. He just stared at me. I even felt his glare at my back the whole way out. Creepy.


	3. Tell Her Not - Wednesday

Darkness Within  
Chapter 3 - Day 2

………..

A grinding noise woke me up the next day. Slowly I rose and stretched. I looked at the clock. Beat my alarm by fifteen minutes. With a sigh I turned it off. Barely awake I moved through my bedroom, the hallway, living room and into the kitchen where the grinding was coming from. First I see my foster mother at a juicer tossing all kinds of fruits inside and the juice came out in a cup. The juice looked like a nasty green. My mother saw me and smiled. She took the cup from the processor and handed it to me. Is she insane? "Try it." First I smelled it… it reminded me of cow feed from the ranch I worked at during last summer. I gave her a skeptical look. She nodded. Reluctantly I took a sip. The taste shocked me. It tasted a little sweet and tart, but good. Mother smiled, "I'm trying to lose weight and I think this juice diet will work." I rolled my eyes. Not another weight loss scheme of hers. She is beautiful. I wish she'd see that. She turned her attention and that's when I noticed Hilde in my kitchen! It takes all of my power not to flip out. I bite the ring. Hilde smiles, but it's stiff. In front of my mother she says, "Your cutting worries me." My mother flinches. Yes, she knows about my nasty little habit. She'd have to be blind not to see it. She's never said anything about it, though.

My, Hilde is a persistent bitch. I sigh, "What would get you to stop mentioning that?"

"Tell me why you do it."

"And you'll leave me alone?" I ask. Hilde nods. I say simply, "To stop hurting."

The blue haired freak gives me a look of disbelief, "But.. you're hurting yourself… so how does the hurting stop?"

I suck in a breath. I have no idea what to say to that. It's clear she doesn't get it. My mother said softly, "He was-."

"No!" I protest.

Still she continued. "He was m-." NO! No! No. No. No. No. NO! NO! My hands flew up to my ears. I closed my eyes. She's saying it… she's telling her! I was shaking. I'm going to be sick. Oh god. Oh god. I was hyperventilating. How could she! I felt hot… and sick.

Hilde's face was suddenly in front of me. She grabbed my shoulders. She said something… I couldn't make it out over the loud pounding of my heart. She shook me she looked worried. My mother handed her a wet cloth and Hilde placed it on my forehead. I could read her lips, "Are you okay?" NO! My mother told! She TOLD! My hands clinched and unclenched. They felt a little tingly. Even so my nails were digging into my skin. Hilde firmly grabbed my wrists. The pain was bliss. It shot shockwaves through me. Suddenly… her voice, "Stop it!" I could hear everything in a sudden rush. Mother left the water running when she wet the cloth. The juicer had a hum to it. Countless other things. Hilde asked, "Duo? What's going on?" She told you! I was vaguely aware of my cheeks being wet. "Duo! Breathe!"

I gasped and choked. I hadn't even realized I stopped. My mother shoved a glass of water at me. She said awkwardly, "I was just saying you were messing with-."

The relief washed over me, but I still protested, "Don't make excuses for me. My other mother did that." I got up and retreated to my room. They followed me so I got to slam the door in their faces. Great… now they are both going to think I'm insane.

Hilde asked, "What was that about?"

I could just picture my mother pinching the bridge of her nose and shaking her head. "I… don't know. He doesn't talk about his biological mother much."

"You… a step mother?" Hilde asked.

"Foster," she corrected easily. "I've tried to get him into counciling…." Poor mother. I don't want to talk to some snot nosed shrink that thinks he's some know-it-all. They always jump to assumptions... well the ones that talk. The ones that don't are constantly scribbling in their little notebook, but never tell you what they write.

"I tried suggesting maybe a priest, but he refused," Mother said sadly. She's editing it. Refused is putting very mildly. She knows. She knows why. She knows everything. "He needs to open up to someone." Oh, I opened up and look where I am now. Desperately trying not to cut again. I held my wrist. Tears were falling freely.

The door cracked as if someone were leaning on it. Hilde asked softly, "Please, would you talk to me? I want to help."

"No one can help me," I responded. "You can't fix me. I'm not exactly broken."

Hilde asked, "Could you come out? Or may I go in?"

Fine. I slowly opened the door and ushered her inside. But I wasn't going to talk.


	4. Conjecture

Darkness Within  
Chapter 4 - Day 2

a/n: Nothing sexually explicit… I promised. That's not entirely easy. Haha! I think I did it in good taste… if not, any ideas on how to warp the wording a bit would be excellent.

………

Hilde never made a move from the doorway, even after I closed it and dropped onto my bed. She wouldn't possibly understand. Hilde ran her hand through her blue hair or is it purple? I still can't really tell. I heard guys don't see color in as much detail as women do. Maybe that's part of the strange names and stupid arguments over color. Maybe I'm unusually part color blind? I don't care.

Hilde has since moved from the doorway to my bedside. It wasn't until she had her hand on my waistband that I realized just how little I was dressed. I grabbed her wrist, "What the hell are you doing?" So much for not talking.

"I saw something… a tat? I'm sorry." She didn't move her hand. "What is it?"

Reluctantly I let go of her wrist. I moved the waistband down. Luckily it was a small tattoo so there wasn't anything shown that was too personal. It was just a cluster of spades.

"A spade is a term for-."

I cut her off, "That's not what it means to me. I actually haven't heard that term until after the tat. Not that it would've made much of a difference whether I got it or not."

"How'd you manage that? I thought you had to be eighteen."

"I know the artist," I stated casually. More like lied to the artist to get it done. She doesn't need to know that. If I grew out my facial hair I could pass off rather easily as eighteen. I'm only a year and some change off as it were. However, that's not a lie because I know the artist now.

"Did it hurt?" She asked. Nah, it's just a needle injecting ink into your skin. But it isn't as bad as what I do to myself on a regular basis. I wince. Instead of telling her all this I just nod. "What does Nikita think?"

"Mom doesn't know about it, yet," Then louder, "Unless she's listening through the door."

Hilde laughed, "I really wouldn't blame her."

"Neither would I." I confessed.

"Why not?" She asked. I shrugged. She cares for me. It's fairly simple. She's not my biological mother, but I've never held that against her. We aren't close by any standards, but we get along just fine. "What happened to your real parents?"

"She is my _real_ parent." I said probably too defensively. I knew what she meant. Hilde traced over my tattoo with a finger. It vaguely tickled and made me just s slight uncomfortable. I grabbed her wrist, "Don't."

"Does it feel different?"

"No."

"Other guys would beg for me to touch them," She smirked. Maybe I'm not like other guys. I have no idea what guys she's talking about. And she trying to tell me something? Do I really want to know. She asked suddenly, "Are you a virgin?" I don't give a response. She comments, "You act like one."

"How does a virgin act?" I wish. It would be great if that's all that was stopping me.

"Shy." She said coyly. "There's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"I'm not embarrassed or shy. I'm not interested."

"Are you gay?" She smirked. What a thing to ask me! I bit my ring. "Come on! Are you?"

"Can we talk about something else?" I asked.

"You _are_!" She squealed.

"No!" I glared at her.

"Come on, there's nothing wrong with it," She said softly. Yeah there is.. when I've been-. I licked my lips and didn't meet her gaze. "I have a gay friend…."

"No!" I panicked, "You can't!"

"Relax, he already has a boyfriend. I'm not going to hook you up, but I think it would help you feel more comfortable." She smiled sweetly.

"No!" I still protested.

"You can't be happy in the closet." She tilted her head.

I groaned, "I'm not in the closet… I never really… I never… No."

"Never what?"

"Thought… really." God, this got awkward really fast. I rather not think about it.

"You don't sound convinced," Hilde smirked. "Just trust me."

"You really think I'm gay? Because I won't let you touch me?"

"What else could it be?" She asked. I wasn't about to say. It was probably the stupidest reason to do this….

I grabbed her hand and forced her to touch me. Her eyes popped open wide for a moment, but slowly she relaxed into a smirk. Suddenly she was squeezing my package through my shorts. My body tensed. Half of me wanted to get her away, but the other half… didn't think it was that bad. No surprise which I sided with.

"Hold that thought," Hilde removed her hand. She opened the door and looked out. "Coast is clear." With a wicked smirk she took off her shirt. When a lacy white bra was presented at perfect eye level I wondered what the hell I was getting into….


	5. Verdict

Darkness Within  
Chapter 5 - Day 2

a/n: Wow, I'm up to chapter 5 already! Reviews would be great. I know I have unusual pairings and right now don't make any sense at all, but they will. I just wanted to list all the ones I planned on using so there isn't a shock. Again.. it's 2xHilde (you saw part of that), (vague mention of 4x3), 4x2, 5x2xHilde, 2xHilde. Would you worry a bit if I had that memorized already?

I've been learning two different languages for… several months now. So, if you see a strangely constructed sentence please tell me. I've already caught myself doing it twice. Maybe it will help me do a better Yoda impression.

……

We put our clothes back on, well more accurately she put hers back on and I got dressed since I wasn't wearing much to begin with. I can't believe it. She looked up at me while she adjusted her shirt, "Well, you were slow to start, but you know what you're doing." Hardly, but I took the compliment with grace. "Did you enjoy it?" Hilde asked. The answer I'd think was fairly obvious, but I nodded anyway. "You're quiet."

I shrugged. What is there to say? Thanks isn't appropriate. Maybe would should do this again? Would that be too presumptuous? Her eyes were gazing into mine. My hair was a mess. I released my hair from its confines only to find her hands in it. I sigh. She's still looking at me. "What?"

"What's the verdict?" She tangled her hands in my hair over and over.

"Huh?" I asked. It felt pretty good her playing with my hair.

"Gay?"She smirks. Perfect way to ruin a good moment.

"It was because I wasn't interested, I must be gay. Now it's like hey, I can't perform so I must be gay."

"You performed beautifully," Hilde smirked.

"Slow start?" I echoed. It was more to nerves really. It's a lot of pressure. It's not exactly a turn on to be accused of being gay, either. It scares me.

Her smirk broke into a wide grin, "You haven't answered."

"This is a no win argument," I argued. I bit my ring.

"Is that real?"

"Huh?"

"Your piercing," Hilde reached up for it, but didn't touch it. I moved it around to show her that it did in fact go all the way through. "That is hot." I shrugged. "You know the crazy things you can do with that?" I rolled my eyes. "Why didn't you try that?"

"We're going to be late for school." I stated instead. I left my room. I grabbed a back pack.

"Duo?" She called. I turned. She handed me the rubber band. Oh! My hair! She smirked probably at my misery. I quickly weaved my hair into a braid. "How do you do that so fast?"

"Practice," I shrugged. A quick sprint to the kitchen to grab a bagel and then I was out of there. Hilde followed me of course. I fingered my ring and then glared at hand. The memory and the smells of sex still lingered. I smirked and held out my hand in front of Hilde's nose. She stopped and gave me a funny look. "That's what you smell like." She looked a little disturbed. I chuckled. I don't know what the big deal is.

We walked the few blocks in mostly silence until we reached the school. Homeroom was probably over with or soon to be so I started to march to my second class. Hilde grabbed me by the collar of my shirt. She dragged me off to locker row then stopped in the middle of it. The bell suddenly chimed. A rush of teenagers came out and moving through the halls. I started again to my second class and Hilde tugged at me, "There he is!" She pointed to a blond guy walking toward us. She waved. He smiled. She was beaming, "Quatre Winner, this is Duo…. Maxwell?" I nodded. "Duo, this is my gay friend I've been telling you about."

I tugged at my sleeve nervously. Quatre frowned and leaned in to Hilde, "You sure that was necessary?"

She nodded, "Duo is a little confused, so I was wondering if you could take him under your wing a bit?"

"No!" I protested a little louder than I meant to. "I told you no." I swallowed. I was shaking. My nails dug into my skin. I felt sick.

Quatre watched this without comment on what I was doing. Instead he asked, "How do you feel about ditching?"

I stepped back in alarm, "What?"

"We'll go to the park and talk. Just you and me."

"I'm not gay. I don't care what Hilde's been saying," I glare at him.

"Don't worry I'm not going to get fresh with you." He said. "I just want to talk and I don't think school halls are appropriate for what I have to say."


	6. Confession

Darkness Within  
Chapter 6

……………..

At the park I was sitting on a swing staring down at the sand and pushing myself lightly. Quatre was next to me. It took convincing, but naturally I caved. Why do I fucking care what he has to say? There was a lot of silence before Quatre asked, "Are you homophobic?"

"I.. I just am not comfortable. Hilde has it in her head I'm gay." I pushed my feet into the sand.

"Are you?" He asked softly. I gave him a funny look.

I am such an idiot. This guy doesn't even look like he could hurt a fly! He has this innocent look about him. I closed my eyes and bit my ring before confessing, "I don't know."

He quirked an eyebrow. "How do you not know?"

"I… never thought about it."

He snorted, "You don't think about it. You are or you are not. There is no between."

"There is bisexual," I attempted at a joke, but it sounded more like a sob to me. Quatre went wide eyed. He got in front of me. A bee was buzzing past him. Memories of ages ago played over in my head. My arms were pinned behind my back. My ass exposed. He was grinning over me….

"It's okay to cry," Quatre commented. "Let it out. It's not healthy to hold it in." I was shaking. The tears were stinging my eyes. He frowned, "You'll feel better if you let it out. Don't be afraid. Don't fight it."

"No, I won't." I managed to choke out. He looked like he was going to protest. He put his arms around me. My hand flew to his chest and I pushed back. He held tighter. Oh god. Must. Not. Cry. I'm biting the fuck out my lip. I taste blood, but it only makes things worse. Damn he's stronger than he looks. He squeezed me in farther. I started to relax in defeat when I realized I could feel a bulge on my thigh. There was no mistake of what that was. I started to squirm. His embrace was fierce. A sob escaped my lips. The tears ran down my cheeks and found Quatre's white shirt. I cried hard. Gasping, whining, snotting. Quatre rubbed my back again. It made the bulge bounce on and off my thigh. I fought Quatre, but to avail. Suddenly an idea struck me. It was a bit vicious. I bit Quatre at the nape of his neck. He let out a surprised moan. I bit down harder. That's six hundred pounds of pressure, bitch! I'm going to break skin damn it! The moan turned into a yelp of pain. Soon enough he was trying to dislodge me. He pushed me into the sand. I toppled over. I stood up and glared at him. He was rubbing his neck where I bit him. He looked at me confused. I fell to my hands and knees. I just let the tears all and the sobs come.

Quatre was a bit more careful about approaching me. He placed a hand on my shoulder, "Duo?"

"Don't. Ever. Hug. Me. Again." I said between sobs and snot.

"What happened? I don't understand."

"I felt… felt your…." God, I sounded like a blubbering idiot. Penis! Say it! Cock. Dick. Frank. Dong. Fuck Stick! Anything! Spineless moron. Holy crap. Breathe, Duo. Breathe. Relax. Let's try this again. "I felt your dipstick." I tried to laugh at the irony, but it came out as another sob.

There was confusion written on Quatre's face. "Duo… I want to help you."

"You. Can't."

"Why not?" He begged.

"You're gay! And all I can think about is you rubbing up on my leg!"

Quatre blinked for a minute and then smiled, "Maybe there is something to what Hilde is saying."

"I'm not gay!"

"Maybe you're bi," Quatre had to chuckle.

"Maybe I was raped!" I yell. It took a second before it registered what I said. Oh. Fuck.


	7. Red Droplets

Darkness Within  
Chapter 7 – Day 3

….

a/n: and it gets darker….

…….

The water from the shower pelted on my shoulders and back. I was bent over with my forehead against the dark blue title. It felt as cold as my core. It was amazing I wasn't crying. Other than cold and defeated I really didn't feel anything, but I'm so used to being on the brink of or balling like a baby. My right hand held a pocket knife with the blade extended. Water ran down the blade mixing with the blood before finding its way down the drain. I just watched it. Loosing feeling in my fingers… They were vague fists, but they were hard to move. I opened and closed my fists slowly. The knife clattered to the floor. They felt so strange. The lightheadedness I expected… but not this. My vision suddenly went dark. I blinked. I was blind. It didn't alarm me like it probably should. It was interesting. I wavered… or I think I did. I was falling… or I felt like I was falling. Being blind had an advantage… I didn't… have to… see….

…….

It felt like I was floating… or possibly high, though, I've never been high. It would be ironic if there really was judgment to meet me. I don't believe in heaven or hell, but it would be a kick in the pants if it were true. It just seemed far too hypocritical to me. I hoped there was nothingness, but me floating seemed to contradict my hope that there was nothing. There were no bright lights. No dead relatives. I wouldn't know them or really want to see them anyway. My thoughts were interrupted by a sudden awareness that my head hurt. Shouldn't I transcend pain? My arms itch. Crap. I failed. And now the tears stung my eyes. Slowly I opened them. Well, I could see again, but I wish I couldn't because the blue haired goon was standing above me. Judging by the lightening above her I was in a hospital, probably Memorial. Why they'd name a hospital Memorial was beyond me, but I appreciate the irony of it. She leaned forward and touched a hand to my cheek. I tried to lift my hand to stop her, but found I was restrained. That wasn't much of a surprise. I let the tears fall. I am such a loser. I can't even kill myself.

"Duo," Hilde looked at me in horror. I licked my lips. They were sore from biting them yesterday. She wiped at my tears. I turned away from her, but it's not like she couldn't lean over my corporal form and reach. I hadn't tested my restrains, but I imagine they have me pretty good. "What happened?"

Isn't it obvious? I tried to off myself, but somehow failed. I'm not sure how, but that wasn't important. I failed. My mouth was dry, "What are you doing here?" I didn't bother fighting the tears. I let them come. I failed! I completely failed.

"Nikita called me," Hilde sighed. "She said you nearly died." Nearly but didn't. "She said maybe I could cheer you up." Great job so far.

I confess, "I'm thirsty." It's not like I could… get up and get the pitcher on the table beside my bed and pour my own cup.

"They pumped you a couple bags of that saline stuff earlier," Hilde commented. "They put the catheter for it at your ankle. I thought that was weird."

"Are you fucking stupid?" I asked out loud. She looked stunned. "My arms are mutilated."

"They stitched you up." She said defensively.

Fair enough, "It's probably a precaution."

"Well, they took the bag away a little while ago," She shrugged. "But they left the catheter in." Whenever they decide to discharge me it will be removed. My arms itched. I pulled on the restraints. They were thick and cloth-like. There was what looked like sheep fur, but it was probably a synthetic material. The fuzz was probably to protect me from hurting myself with the restraints. Perfect. Hilde brushed a tear that slid down my cheek. I flinched. "You want to hear a joke I heard in school?"

"No," I frowned. "I'm still thirsty."

She made her way over to the pitcher. She made me a glass of water. She held it out for me and tipped it to my lips. I took a sip. She wiped the little bit that dribbled down my chin. "I'd remove the restraints, but they'd kick me from the hospital if they ever found out."

"It's the price I pay for failing." My breath was ragged. I _failed_.

She looked away from me, "I know life is hard… but is it really worth throwing away?"

"I'm just tired of hurting."

"What is that bad?" She asked, "D-did I do it?" I shook my head. "Quatre insisted that I shouldn't sleep with you. He said it was doing more harm than good. I thought he was jealous. And then… you end up here. I can't-I can't help but wonder…." Tears glistened in her eyes.

"You talked to Quatre," I held my breath dreading this conversation. Did he tell her?

"I'm sorry. I know you only did it to try to prove you weren't gay… I'm sorry about that too." Hilde grabbed my hand and squeezed.

"It wasn't you," I sighed.

The door opened and my mother walked in cautiously. She paused at the foot of the bed. I signaled best as I could for her come in. She ran up to the opposite side of Hilde. Then she wrapped her arms around me. She sobbed into my shoulder, "I was so afraid…."

Oh god… I don't need this. If the humiliation of failing wasn't enough… now I felt guilty. I couldn't help it. I wasn't just hurting myself. I know that. I'm not stupid, but I didn't want that rubbed in my face! Hilde squeezed my hand. I struggled against the restraints. I couldn't hug my mom! "How long am I going to be tied like this?"

My mom sniffled and let go of me. She looked at the restraints and started to mess with them. Suddenly one arm was free. I stared at it. Of course it was wrapped in gauze and bandaged to the point of insanity. Soon as my other arm was free my mother was hugging me again. I put my arms around her. My mom pleaded, "Please, baby, please don't leave me." I bit my piercing. Shit… please don't….


	8. After Math - Friday

Darkness Within  
Chapter 8 – Day 4

a/n: I've rewritten this chapter more times than I'll ever admit… and I'm still not happy with it.

…..

My shrink is named Kingsley, I don't remember his first name, but he did give it. I remember the last name because it's on a name plaque on his desk and I stared at it the entire time I was there. Naturally, I didn't open up. Half the session was just going over the legalities of my privacy so there wasn't a whole lot of time. Most of which I just ignored. He gave me a notebook. I'm supposed to have a diary, but I've never been good at that kind of thing so it reads more like list of crap that happened. Woke up. Ate breakfast. Hilde stayed over. Leaving for school. Of course, I'm not taking it to school. That has retarded written all over it. I left it in the car with my mother. Because of my appointment I missed a good portion of my home room. I have a note excusing me, which I had to take to the school's attendance office so they could waste paper to give me another note to give to my home room teacher. The office was empty so it was easy. The halls were empty too. Only one of those campus security guards on a golf cart slowed down when they saw me. I held up the little pink slip I had from the office and the cart rolled on by without a word. He didn't even check to see if the slip was legit. Ditching is so incredibly easy to get away with.

The teacher was lecturing when I dropped in on my homeroom. He regarded me and I handed him the slip without a single pause in his speech. I sat down without a word. He was talking about bomb threats, which was very strange. He's my Language Arts teacher. When I sat at my desk I saw three sheets of paper. It took a second to see they were just three copies of the same note we were supposed to send home two our parents about bomb threats. That's interesting. Silently I read it. There was a bomb threat sent into the school yesterday from what it stated.

There was a tap at my shoulder. I turned around to see a classmate sitting behind me handing me a folded up piece of paper. I didn't know this classmate by any means, but I felt a stare before I saw it. Quatre was sitting behind and across from me. I felt cold. He was in my home room? I turned back around and opened up the folded letter. It just simply said, 'You missed a bomb threat yesterday. –Q' I scribbled on the paper, 'I know' passed it back. It wasn't long before I was being tapped again. I reached over my shoulder and a note appeared in my hand. I opened it up again. It said, 'Hilde was worried about you yesterday.' That was an understatement. I scribbled back, 'She stayed over last night.' I know it's going to sound like I slept with her, again. But I really didn't care. I handed it back. It was several minutes before the note came back. It said, 'Her dad allowed that?! He's going to skin you alive if he found out.' He had no idea. I kept the note. Class was almost over. The teacher wrote some homework assignment about describing how we felt about yesterday's bomb threat. Of course he'd make it into an assignment.

He called me up to his desk, "Maxwell, I need to see a slip like this from yesterday." He flapped the pink slip. I nodded. He said, "You weren't here yesterday, but I still want a paper of eight hundred words about how you felt about the school getting a bomb threat. You're perspective would be different since you hadn't been here. When you get me a slip for yesterday's absence I'll let you make up yesterday's work." Fair enough.

The bell rang. It came to no surprise Quatre followed me to my book locker. "I never realized I knew you from homeroom." I grabbed a book from it.

He clasped a hand on my shoulder. I noticed he was wearing a green turtle neck despite the nice day. I'd guess to hide my bite. He whispered, "About the other day… I didn't tell anyone." I really didn't want to talk about that right now. He went on, "Not even Hilde."

"But you told her to stay out of my pants," I accused.

He flinched, "She told you that?" I nodded. He sighed, "Because… what you told me. I think you should get some help."

"I got plenty of help, thanks," I brushed his hand off me.

None other than Hilde came up from behind Quatre. She covered his eyes. He guessed it was her. She commented, "I see you're wearing your boyfriend's turtleneck… someone have a hickey?"

Quatre blushed. He stared at me. It was no hickey. He shrugged, "Yeah, well…."

"Oh! Duo," Hilde exclaimed. "I didn't… see you there…." Her expression grew to worry. "H-how are you?"

"Fine," Stated darkly.

Quatre was looking back and forth between us. "For a couple that got laid last night… you don't sound too thrilled to see each other."

"I said she slept over. I never said slept with her," I decided to blow this popsicle stand, but I didn't miss the look of confusion on his face before I head to physical education. I dreaded it, but not as much as I dreaded the gossip Quatre and Hilde were going to be doing about me.


	9. Unlikely Friend

Darkness Within  
Chapter 9 Day 4

a/n: I know it didn't sound like it, but I spent several hours on the last chapter as in what is written there, which is bordering on obsession for me. Prior chapters took a couple hours (most often less) of writing the rough draft. And now… chapter 8 is going to bug me. Maybe the problem is simple. Maybe it seems rushed and incomplete because that's not where I meant to end it. I actually had the first couple of paragraphs of this chapter in chapter 8. Maybe it's the fact chapter seven is so emotionally charged that eight seems like it's missing something. I don't know. I'm still going to obsess about it for a while…. If any of you think of something let me know.

…………

It wasn't until I was in the locker room that I realized a problem. I didn't have my arm warmers. Instead I was wearing a long sleeve shirt. Smarter because there was no way anyone would see the bandages I was sporting, but stupid because the witch I had for phys ed was particular about the uniforms. The arm warmers were pushing it as it were. I guess I'm taking an incomplete for not dressing.

So, I bypassed the locker room and headed straight to the gym with my book in hand, maybe it will get me something else to think about? I sat in my usual row and column like the rest of the class on the gym floor. The floor hasn't been cleaned in ages. The girl in front of me sat with her legs strangely folded to stop from getting her white skirt dirty. Apparently I wasn't the only one that decided not to dress out.

I felt a stare. It was Wufei. He was on crutches. Perfect. He was going to end up being benched with me. He just stood… well if you can call leaning on crutches standing… where he was supposed to be.

It wasn't long before the witch came and took roll. She clicked her tongue at everyone not dressed out, even in crutches Wufei! After, we were to sit on a bench while the rest of the class did basketball. So, that's what I did. Wufei put his crutches down. He hobbled over to one of the courts without incident. He held out his hands and he received the basketball. He balanced on one foot and shot the ball into the hoop on the opposite end of the court. Nothing but net. I was impressed. The witch was looking at Wufei like a starved wolf would look at an injured rabbit. She was the girls basketball coach. Too bad he wasn't a girl. I wanted to laugh. I haven't been able to really laugh in a very long time.

That is what the wounds on my arms represented. I have not been happy… not really… for a long time. I could feel the corners of my mouth in a frown and that heaviness around the eyes that threatened tears. They will come. I could suppress them. It's becoming an art. When I'm not provoked I can hold it in. But eventually they have to fall. And they are endless. They don't stop! I want it to stop! Yesterday was a testimonial to how far I'd go to make it stop.

What would my classmates do if they found me hanging by my shoelaces in the locker room? What would they do if I were bleeding on a bathroom floor? Face down in the pool? Or if I stepped in front of the city bus that regularly passed by the school? What would they think? What would they say?

Wufei was staring at me. What was his deal? It was an unnerving stare. It was like he knew something I didn't. Did Hilde tell? Did Quatre? What about that boyfriend Quatre has? A classmate approached Wufei . He at first didn't seem interested in talking to him. This classmate I know as Brent Mellows. He was always goofing around in class and getting in trouble. He was behind me in roll call. Brent said something. Wufei shrugged. Brent went on. Wufei started talking to him. Just was I was starting to get bored Brent pointed my direction without actually looking at me. Wufei looked at me with those same accusing dark eyes. Brent was big on rumors. He was worse than a lot of the girls. I could only imagine what he's saying about me and fear it. Why couldn't I have died when I had the chance?

A basketball came sailing at Wufei's head. Wufei manages to deflect the blow easily with one hand. He picked up his crutches and hobbled on them to me. He stopped in front of me, "I'm sorry about the other day." He's apologizing? That I didn't see coming.

"Why are you being so nice all of a sudden?" I glared at him.

"I thought we could be friends. You look like you can use one." His smile seemed a little fake to me.

"What's the real reason?" I asked, "The truth."

Wufei sighed and gestured with his hands in disbelief as he spoke, "I'm offering friendship. Why is that a problem?"

"You've heard," I glared at him. He looked lost. "What did Brent say?"

He let out a short deep chuckle, "Not important."

"You've been glaring at me since I got here. Then Brent talks to you and you suddenly want to be friends?" I'm through with tiptoeing.

Nodding he explained, "It's crap. Brent was calling you a fag."

"So, you wonder if it's true and if have a chance in my pants?"

He threw his head back in laughter, "Wow." A pause. "Brent has his eye on you." He clarified before I could respond, "He wants to kick your ass. I'm sure you could probably handle your own against him, but he won't attack you alone… so maybe if you weren't alone…." He left the sentence unfinished.

"Why do you care if I get my ass beat?" I asked.

"Stop questioning a good thing. Besides I have something I want to show you." He started hobbling away. I followed him to the locker room, but not before looking for the witch. She was occupied with showing a couple girls and showing them how to shoot hoops from the looks of it. Wufei stopped at a soda machine in the locker room. "You're going to like this." He inserted a bill to the machine. He pressed a button. There was a lot a noise. Suddenly he was holding two soda bottles. He held one out for me.

"How'd you do that?" I looked at him astonished. He inserted one bill, but got two. I took the one he held out for me.

"Trade secret. If you say we're friends maybe I'll tell you."


	10. Fourth or Fifth

Darkness Within  
Chapter 10 Day 4

…..

Soon as I left phys ed I saw the last person on this planet I wanted to see. Quatre. Judging by his expression he knew. Hilde told. I should've expected that. He had this pathetic look like a dog that got kicked. He has no right. He doesn't know me. I brushed passed him without saying a word. He said, "I'm sorry." I pretended I didn't hear him.

My next class was just across from the gym so went to it. Quatre followed me. He kept calling out my name. I turned around, "Go away!"

He looked stunned, "I think we should talk."

"We have nothing to talk about."

"You can't just drop a bombshell like that on someone and expect them to just walk away. Especially not after what Hilde told me. By your reaction it's true… isn't it?" He looked horrified.

"You're going to have to," I didn't bother answering the question.

"Are you going to do it again?" Quatre asked. And I didn't bother answering that one either. I walked into my class room. He grabbed my shoulder. I stopped. He repeated the question.

"Go away." I can't think about this now. I'm going to ball like a fucking baby if he keeps this up. I've got to keep it together. I balled my fists. I really wanted to scratch. And I'm not talking about the tickle the stitches were. I _really_ wanted to scratch. Instead I bit my lip- _hard_. An idea. I smirked. I looked around. My teacher was rifling through a stack of papers. She noticed I was looking at her. She looked through the top of her glasses at me. I said loudly, "This fool," I pointed to Quatre, "Is a little lost. Think you can help him _out_?" She smiled and looked at Quatre.

Quatre pointed at me, "Duo, we'll talk after school." The way he said it made it sound like a threat for a fight. My teacher gave me a concerned look. I waved it off. It would be much worse than a fight. Usually my mother doesn't pick me up. I walk home, but considering the circumstances… maybe she'd make an exception and meet me at the park. That's the last place Quatre would expect me to go.

Through the entire class I was seething about Quatre. I wasn't in much mood for advanced algebra. I'm not Quatre's problem. The only reason he got involved is because Hilde couldn't keep her trap shut! I'd bet he changed his mind about telling her I've been- damn it I can't think about that! The tears were threatening to come. My mother is picking me up. I just need to call her. I have some change and there is a payphone in the courtyard.

"Duo Maxwell," the teacher caught my attention. "Would you demonstrate to the class how to solve for x?" She was at the overhead projector. I stood up and went over to the projector. She handed me one of those washable markers. I accepted it. Normally I wouldn't agree to this, but it was a nice distraction. Looking at the problem at first was a little intimidating, especially with everyone watching me. I knew this. A smirk and I started to work through the problem. My teacher asked, "Could you roll up your sleeve?" I flinched. "You'll get ink all over it."

"So?" I wasn't about to. Deep breath. Slowly let it out. Back to the problem. She explained it as I did it. She told me I did a good job and let me retreat back to my seat. My sleeves were black so the ink didn't look too bad on them. The bell rang before I got to it. Had it really been that long? I grabbed my algebra book, soda, and headed out. I saw Wufei. He seemed okay so I approached him. "What's up?"

"You have lunch fourth hour or fifth?"

"Fourth," I answered. "How'd you know I'd be here?"

"My class is next to yours. I saw you go in." He had his hands in his pockets digging around for something. "We have the same lunch."

"Cool. You missing something?"

He kept digging around in his pockets, "I know I had a five in here somewhere."

"I'll cover it," I offered. I had a twenty.

He looked relieved, "I'll pay you back."

"It's cool." I headed over to the food carts in the courtyard. I got the chili fries. He opted for pizza. We already had soda so that was covered. We ended up at my usual spot next to the sign. I sat with my knees drawn up and one arm resting on them while the other picked at the fries. I wasn't all that hungry, but I should eat. Wufei sat across from me.

He asked, "I don't mean to pry, but what is up with that blond kid?"

"He's sticking his nose where it's not welcome," I stated icily.

"Ah, I see," His tone dropped an octave.

"Sorry. He makes me mad. He doesn't belong in my business. The only reason he's in it is because my girlfriend." I'm not entirely sure if I can even call her that, but we did sleep together so I have rights in that regard.

"Your girlfriend joining us?"

"No," She may not even have this lunch. Wishful thinking. I really wasn't sure. My spot is fairly secluded so if she happened to have this lunch she wouldn't likely find me here.

"Any other friends joining us?" Wufei asked.

"Nope. Just you and me. Unless this weird guy shows up. He eats at that tree," I nodded to a tree about eight or nine feet away. "He won't bother us. He just reads and picnics there."

"What does he read?"

That was a strange question, "I don't know."

"Have you ever tried talking to him?"

"No. He probably isn't aware I exist." I shrugged.

Wufei chuckled, "I bet he does." Barely a pause, "Speaking of weird guys. Brent. He has this lunch." I had a couple fries in my mouth otherwise I would've responded with a, 'So?' He didn't wait for me to respond. "Does Blondie have this lunch?"

"Probably not. Do you know _Blondie_?" I asked.

"I've seen him around." The look on his face said there was more than he was telling.


	11. Uninvited Guest

Darkness Within  
Chapter 11 Day 4

a/n: I had a brand new video game I have not touched… and I put it off to update. Now _that_ is dedication!

……

My journal that I was supposed to write in for the shrink was still in the car where I left it. It felt good to outsmart Quatre. Finally! I'm two steps ahead. Now if only I could set his world off balance like he did mine….

"I'm so glad you called me to pick you up. I was planning on it anyway, but not sure which way you walked home," Mother said watching the road. "I took a few days off of work."

"Why?" Of course I knew why. It would be interesting to hear it. She was afraid I'd do it again. Just as that nosy busy body Quatre thought I was going to do it again. He asked, but he already assumed, just like she was assuming now. Though, she's smart enough not to ask. I haven't quite figured it out. How could anyone else be so sure about my next move? They don't get it. The only part of suicide I had thought through was wishful thinking I'd be dead now. Obviously, I'm not. So now I'm winging it. None of them will understand the weight of failure. My mother is hurt. She wants to help. She may think staying home from work will help. Soon she'll find she's helpless just as she is with my scratching in general. And it will bother her. It would've been better had I died. But I haven't died.

"Duo!" The car lurched to the side. There was a honk from a car, probably in the other lane. She pulled over. I stared at her. She looked at me in horror. Before I could ask she said quietly, "You're going to rip those stitches open doing that…."

Apparently my body can move without me realizing it. And I was actually scratching at my arms…. My sleeves were up showing off the fraying and endless gauze all over my arms. A few spots of dried blood made me vaguely wonder if I probably should've changed them by now. They had to been from last night. You know emergency room doctors… they never really clean up the wounds like you think they should. An infection would be just what I need right now. Yeah, let's just put a little dab of alcohol or anti-bacterial whatever on it and… _pray_ I don't get an infection.

I hear myself laughing. There's irony for you. Isn't suicide a huge sin? Yet I'm talking about prayer. Prayer is what got me into this mess in the first place! Would _God_ forgive me then? Would _God_ condemn me for what one His own did to me? What… I let happen to me….

It would've been better if I had just died. I'm already in Hell…. It's where I belong. That's why I survived. To stay in Hell….

There was a small brush on my cheek. I flinched and moved away. It was Mother. She withdrew her hand. I relaxed. She tried again. I let her. "Duo." She said my name so softly… as if she were talking to a baby. Strangely it wasn't insulting, but soothing almost. How I wish that were all it took.

"I'm sorry," I choked out. Sorry for hurting her. Sorry for worrying her. Sorry for crying… just sorry.

"Everything will be okay."

You don't seriously believe that do you? Thankfully I didn't ask. I don't mean it… I just don't see how everything will be okay. Things have never been okay. There were times things were tolerable before … it all. But never okay.

"Let's go home. I'll make you something to eat. Anything you want. I know it's not breakfast but apple pancakes sprinkled in powdered sugar are your favorite. I could make that. Does that sound good? Let me make that for you." Her ability to act like nothing is wrong I envy.

We weren't far from home. But I didn't like what I saw. Quatre was standing at my doorway. Fuck! He saw us and approached. Why can't the guy give me a break? He was opening my door for me like I were some invalid. Then he walked over to my mother's side. She was already out of the car so if he was going to do the same for her he missed the chance. He greeted her, "I'm Quatre Winner. I have a couple classes with Duo." He offered her his hand. She took it and shook it. "Hilde's a friend of mine, too." That's all he needed to say. She knew he knew.

She looked over at me, but only for a second. "Well, are you hungry? It's hardly breakfast time, but I figure apple pancakes sound good anyhow. I'm sure he's told you, but it's his favorite." Ha! This would be funny if it were someone else's life instead of my own….

Quatre smiled, "That sounds delicious. I'd love to join you. In fact, I don't mean to impose upon you, Mrs. Maxwell?"

She didn't correct him, "Just call me Nikita." And before you know it she'll insist you call her Mom, too. This was so normal and sweet it was nauseating. "And I'm sure it's not an imposition, but do go on, dear." Dear? Was she high? Far as I know she never took drugs, but this is a perfect time to start.

"Well, to be honest, Hilde is closer to Duo than I am." Quatre gave a sheepish grin. Closer would be a very loose term. She's just as much a stranger as Quatre is. Unless you're counting sex, but I'd argue even more stranger and not to mention a bit awkward since I don't actually know her. He of course left that part out. "But we figure it would be best if all his friends supported him in his time of need. I won't be much trouble at all. But I think it might be a good idea to have a sleepover." You've got to be fucking kidding. That weasel! Then he'll have all night to pester me! Like pestering me all day at school isn't enough. Ah, Hell…. Just waiting for my pitchfork and horns then I'll be set.

Before she spoke I already knew she thought it was a good idea. Her entire face lit up. "That's a wonderful idea! Duo doesn't bring too many friends over. It would be nice to meet them all." I haven't seen her happy… ever. It's my fault too. Her grinning like a school girl stopped any protest I had. Slowly I nodded. She giggled. Yes… giggled. Oh, man…. Then her eyes went wide, "It's the weekend! Why not tomorrow night as well?" Oh perfect….

Quatre gave me one of those annoying looks of triumph. Then said in an irritatingly innocent way, "Well, I don't want to impose… and I'd probably should to ask my father…."

"I could talk him into it," Mother waved her hand. "Should I invite Hilde too?"

"No!" Both Quatre and I said in unison. I glared at him. He looked at me confused. Quatre cleared his throat, "That probably wouldn't be too appropriate." My guess is he was referring to her being female. As opposed to having a gay guy over night being more appropriate? He makes one move on me he's going to meet the fate that was denied to me yesterday.

Mother sighed, "You're right."

This is going to be a long weekend…. Damn and I thought the worst of it was going to be Saturday school now I'm looking forward to it. I really am going to find a way to get back at him for this.


	12. The Boyfriend

Darkness Within  
Chapter 12 Day 4

a/n: The video game isn't addicting, thankfully. And I can pause it! I love pause.

…..

Amazing. Quatre has yet to have the confrontation he basically threatened to earlier, but I knew it was coming. I dreaded it. Throughout the apple pancakes I dreaded it. The agony it was to listen to my mother get ready for bed. For some reason the ritual seemed much longer than usual. After I was sure she was in bed and far from listening I was still quiet. This sitting here staring at Quatre was stupid. He had stolen a bean bag chair from the living room and was now sitting on it in my room. I was on my bed looking down on him. He was staring back at me. He took a breath, "So?"

"So?" I echoed.

"There isn't a way to ease into this." He said probably more to himself than me. "I have so many questions."

"Which I don't want to answer," I said honestly. "You weaseled your way into here by talking to Mother, why couldn't you just ask her?"

"She's more guarded than you are."

"How would you know? You didn't even try." I countered.

"It's pretty typical. I'm not close to you, but I felt obligated to keep the conversation just between us. She is your mother! She'd be way more protective over you than I would. And she may not know all the answers. You seem irritated about the idea of me talking to her so she does know?" I nodded. "Did you tell her?" I shook my head. Quatre looked at me with horror, "How would she know?"

"Someone else did," I gave him a strange look.

"So, you told someone else that told your mother?"

"No."

"How would the someone else know? They… saw?" Quatre frowned.

"No!" Oh my God. "They… suspected."

"Suspected?"

"Suspicion goes a long way," I gave him a venomous look.

"I don't understand how they could've suspected that without knowing for sure." I wasn't sure how to explain. I shifted uncomfortably. Quatre altered the line of questioning a bit, "What did your mother do with this knowledge?"

"She had me checked out. She sent me to councilors and shrinks." This wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I really didn't want to freak out again like I had at the park. That's what I was afraid of.

"Checked you out? Took you to a doctor?"

"Yes." Tread carefully.

He shifted a little, "That's it?"

"She didn't grill me like you are," I accused. He put up his hands. "She only wanted to know a couple things the nun couldn't tell her."

"Nun?" Quatre asked. I nodded, but didn't clarify. I guess he decided to let it go, "What did your mother want to know?"

I shook my head. That is where I draw the line. "Enough. You had your questions."

"You don't have to answer them," Quatre looked lost.

"They make me uncomfortable, answer or no."

"How about you ask me questions? Would that make you feel more comfortable?"

"I don't have any." It sounds amazing, but I really don't.

"Sure you do. I have firsthand knowledge about being gay. You did say you weren't sure about your sexuality. Now, it makes a little more sense. I still feel like there is something I'm missing. Something obvious... but I am not getting it." He looked like he was concentrating on the floor. I had no idea what he was rambling about. "Why would you question and fear your sexuality so much?"

"Enough!" I demanded. I was starting to panic. I can't freak out. Not now. "I get to question you. You said." He nodded. "Why are you so insistent in finding out about me?"

"I am concerned. And this is a delicate matter. You opened up to me. You didn't open up to your mother or psychologists. You opened up to me. I'm not just going to walk away or ignore it. There is a reason you did."

"I blurted it out to you. I didn't choose anything."

"You could've refused to answer my questions," He annoyingly pointed out. "You chose."

Bastard! He's got a point. "I don't have to tell you sexuality is a personal issue…."

"I didn't tell Hilde. Far as she knows you aren't gay and not interested in talking to me. She doesn't know I'm here and won't unless you tell her." He looked annoyed. That wasn't what I meant, but I ran with it anyway.

"She lived practically across the street. She could've seen you standing there." I pointed out. He paled. Gotcha. "And what does Wufei and Brent know about it?"

Quatre looked confused, "How do you know about them?"

"I have phys ed with them."

"They say something to you?"

"My turn for the questions. Tell me about Wufei and Brent."

He looked lost, "Brent shoves me into my locker once in a while. He makes it clear he isn't comfortable with the fact I'm gay. Wufei just stands there and watches. He's probably amused by it. I don't talk to them. They are just a couple homophobes."

"Brent told Wufei I was a fag. Wufei told me about it. He even got me a soda. He was been way too friendly for your standard homophobe." I commented.

"Whoa," Quatre frowned, "Wufei was friendly? How friendly?"

"He got me a soda and told me about Brent wanting to kick my ass. Wufei wanted to protect me."

"Why? That doesn't make sense. He's friends with Brent."

"Hell if I know. You didn't talk to either of them?"

"No. I haven't talked to anyone about you except trying to get Hilde to back off a bit. I've told no one. Not a soul." Quatre frowned. He was searching my eyes. "Brent called you a fag?"

"That's what Wufei said. He didn't seem concerned one way or another. He was very interested in you. He calls you Blondie." I laughed.

"Naturally he wouldn't know my name," He rolled his eyes. "What did he ask?"

"He wondered what was up with you. My guess is he seen that little confrontation just before third hour. I told him you were being nosey." At that Quatre gave me a look. I shot one back, "Well you are! And he asked if you had fourth hour lunch. I told him probably not. I have no idea what lunch you have. I imagine if you had my lunch you would've pestered me then too."

"I have fifth," Quatre said mournfully. He sighed, "I would watch what you say around him."

"I'm sure he could've figured out what lunch you had on his own."

"I don't care if he knows what lunch I have," He sounded irritated. "Just in general. It doesn't sound like you told him much, but still. I'd be careful."

"You don't have to tell me that!" Just because someone is nice doesn't make me want to trust them. "You have no clue about any of this? The only time people are really nice to me is if they know."

He shrugged, "What if what Wufei says is true? That Brent is going to jump you? Though, I don't know why you and not me."

"Maybe he's afraid of your boyfriend?" I frowned.

"Oh shit," Quatre ran his hands through his hair and fell back on the beanbag. "Brent thinks you're my boyfriend."

I frowned, "Why would he think that? And don't you have one already?"

"There's… some trouble in paradise." He admitted. "It was rather… public. Brent witnessed that and he's seen you hanging around…." He winced. "If Hilde knew I was here…. This could get ugly." I wasn't sure what to say to that. "I am so sorry! How could I've been so blind?"


	13. The Tickler

Darkness Within  
Chapter 13 Day 4

a/n: I apologize in advance. There is a method to my madness.

……

For about an hour (I didn't actually look at the time) we sat there in silence. I'm not sure what to think. I'm somewhere between unreal and panic. What if Quatre was wrong? Okay, that's wishful thinking. I have no idea how I'll handle everyone assuming I am gay. And everyone will assume it. Brent loves rumors. He's worse than any girl I've met. By Monday everyone will think it. There is no way to stop it. Question is… what do I do about it? Pretend it doesn't bother me? Yeah, I'm very good at that. And they'll think I'm with Quatre. Gay by association. He's looking at me, well, through me. He looks deep in thought. "You have any brilliant ideas?"

"Hm?" Now he's looking directly at me. He said absently, "About Brent? No. Let him think what he wants. I was just wondering am I going to be sleeping on the couch tonight?"

"No," I shook my head. "You're a guest, fool."

"So… where? Here?" He smirked.

"I'm sleeping on the couch." I clarified.

"You're not going to be put out because of me or any strange guest rules," He blanched. "I'm sleeping on the couch end of story."

"No," I growled. He's not going to win this fight. "You're sleeping up here."

"Fine. I'll take the bean bag and you're on the bed," Quatre tried to compromise.

"I'm on the couch and you're on the bed." No one can out stubborn me.

"What? Afraid I'm going to do something?"

"What? No." I snorted.

"You're afraid."

"It's not out of fear. Holy crap. You're the guest. I have no problem being in the same room. We are right now." I gestured wildly. Idiot.

"I'm in the bean bag and you're on the bed," he insisted. To defy him I got up. With a yank and a lift He was off the bean bag and I had it in my grasp and his ass was on the floor. He looked at me in shock. I heaved the bean bag out of my room. I didn't watch where it landed. Instead I shut the door and leaned on it. I crossed my arms and wore a triumphant grin. He stood up and grabbed me by my upper arm. He tried to dislodge me from the door. I didn't budge. The way I was leaning with my weight it's going to take a bit more force than that. He let go and took a step back. He rubbed his chin. Then he did the most childish thing! He tickled my ribs! Yes, I'm ticklish. Bastard. Slipping down the door I tried the best I could by twisting and blocking with my arms, but having stitches all over them it didn't quite work as planned. It was starting to piss me off. So, I kicked at him. I missed, but I wasn't really aiming to get him. He backed away. He gave me a questioning glance, "That make you uncomfortable?"

"I'm not fragile! Why does everything have to be about being raped?" I rolled up my sleeves and showed him my gauzed up arms. "Can't exactly defend myself." His mouth made a small 'o'. I shrugged, "Besides it would be pretty demented if a rapist were a tickler."

The corners of his mouth quirked as if he wanted to laugh. Just laugh already! "You freaked out at the park when I hugged you."

"When you wouldn't let go," I corrected.

"So, if I hugged you now you wouldn't freak out?" He gave me a look. He didn't believe me.

I rolled my eyes. I didn't wait for him to test his theory. I hugged him and held that for just a couple seconds, then took a step back. "See?"

"Then why'd you act like that?"

"I was freaked out! It's a lot to take in. Ever since Hilde's been around my life has been thrown into a tailspin and I can't fucking correct it!" I bit my ring. "Maybe she'll leave me the hell alone if she thought I was with you." More of that wishful thinking.

And Quatre dashes my dreams, "She'll harass you about watching. Particularly kissing."

I shrugged and wondered stupidly out loud, "It's like kissing a girl, right?"

He shrugged, "I've never kissed a girl." He laughed, "I'm gay! Is it that surprising?"

"Never?"

"Nope," He grinned. "Same concept I imagine." The grin disappeared, but I could still see the amusement in his eyes, "You're curious?"

I looked at him in alarm, "I…."

"Relax. I haven't made a move on you." Yet. He said softly, "It's okay to be curious and fear it. You can't help it. Maybe you should talk about it. It may just help you to understand yourself better if you just let it out."

I looked away, "I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"It hurts more!" Can't he see it?

"At first, yes. But with time it gets easier. You've made a lot of progress. You told me twice what happened. The second time was easier. It rolled off your tongue without even a hint of anything wrong. Tell me about it." He urged. He gestured to the bed. "Sit. Pretend I'm not here if you want to. Just say what is on your mind."

I sat, but it was impossible to pretend he wasn't there. "I don't know about this…."

"You started to earlier," He pointed out. "How about the nun? Tell me about her."

I guess. "I was an orphan, since I could remember. I was raised by other street kids. If things got too bad some of us would stay at a church, usually in winter. The clergy was friendly enough. Sometimes a nun… she'd tell us stories from the Bible, but not like they did in a sermon. Sometimes she'd change her voice and acted out the parts. We were all kids. She taught me how to braid my hair. She was the only one not to think it was strange for a boy to have long hair."

Quatre smiled, "She sounds wonderful."

"Oh… Sister Madeline was strict. If we misbehaved she was not afraid to smack us with a yardstick, you know the kind with holes in it?" I chuckled when he winced. She was all about hellfire and brimstone. "God's watching you when I'm not!" I tried to mock her voice. Quatre laughed. "I mooned a crucified Jesus once. Is He watching now?" Quatre shook his head in amusement as he sat next to me. "She flipped out." I had to stop. It wasn't long after this that I met him. Father Maxwell. He was nice. He acted like a friend. Sister Madeline would call me a deplorable child (in a friendly manner). Father Maxwell called me misguided. I've come to hate that word.

"Duo? Duo!" Quatre grabbed my wrist. I hissed. "What is going on? Talk to me?!" Instead I grabbed him by his shoulders and pressed my lips to his. He went rigid. Please… don't pull away.


	14. Midnight Hour

Darkness Within  
Chapter 14 Day 4-5

a/n: Sorry about the slight delay in the chapter. I was sicker than a dog, but please no sympathy I don't deserve it. ;)

……

My lips pressed to his I waited for him to pull away. He didn't. He was warm and inviting. Slowly I parted my lips and he followed. My tongue met his. The kiss was slow and soft. He tasted sweet. His arms went around me. His hands moved up my back and tangled with my braid. Then suddenly he jerked back breaking the kiss. There was a little awkwardness getting himself dislodged from my hair. He pushed me away gently. He blushed and scooted away from me. "I can't…."

I swallowed hard, "It's just a kiss."

He ducked his head and turned even redder, "No, it's not. Duo, I don't know what's behind that kiss… and I fear…. I don't want you hurt." He sighed, "Are you just curious? Making out with me is not going to answer your questions if that's the case. Even if we…." He cleared his throat, "Went beyond that… it won't answer your question. Attraction is what defines you, not enjoyment or curiosity."

This is awkward. I shook my head, "Forget it. I shouldn't have done that. It was stupid." I rather not think about it…. Yes, I kissed a guy and… it was amazing. But don't want to think about what it means or doesn't. Or beyond a kiss… I know exactly what he was referring to. I don't think I could….

Quatre shifted. "Duo… my boyfriend…. You're vulnerable. And Hilde?" His voice cracked, "What about Hilde?"

God… did he have to bring her up. I know I should feel guilty but I don't. "Hilde and I really don't connect."

"You slept with her!" He said like it was an accusation.

"It was a mistake," I said calmly. I really didn't want to discuss this with him.

"But it's not a mistake to kiss me?" He asked.

"I don't know!" Damn it. "You think it is. I get it. You aren't interested in me. You did it out of pity."

"Not true." He blushed, "I'm stopping out of pity… and guilt. It wouldn't be fair. I'd be using you because things aren't going well with Trowa and you're vulnerable… and in a mess with Hilde. You really need to talk to her."

"Oh, yes. Hey, Hilde I just k-." The door opened and my mother was peering at me with concern. God, how much did she hear? I looked at Quatre who had a similar guilty look I was sure that was on my own.

"I heard a shout, is everything okay in here?" She asked. I nodded dumbly, though I wasn't entirely sure.

Quatre got up, "I'm going to sleep on the couch." This time I didn't protest. My mother told him where to get extra blankets. She then sat at the foot of my bed. I held my breath and played with the end of my braid.

How much did she hear? She asked, "Do you need a ride tomorrow?" I blinked. "Saturday school." Oh, right. That. I nodded. The school must've informed her. "When does it start?"

"Eight." I felt strangely exposed.

"And Quatre?" She asked. I closed my eyes. "Does he have Saturday school too?"

"No," He answered for me from the doorway. "Though, I do have a quick errand I have to run tomorrow. I could drop him off and pick him up when it is over."

I held my breath. Smooth. Very smooth. Suggesting the kiss was a mistake and now offering to drive me to school. What the fuck is wrong with him? And if that weren't enough my mother could very well know what took place to top it off!

"Duo?" Mother asked. "Is that what you want?" Quatre was glaring at me. Mother gasped, "Duo!" She grabbed my wrists. I hissed. She let go.

"They itch," I said simply. There was nothing simple about it.

Her expression softened, "Quatre, would you be a dear and get the first aid kit from the bathroom. It's in the hall to your left." She then looked directly at me. Her expression was unreadable when she demanded, "Take off your shirt."

"I-uh…. Quatre...." Yeah, like I can explain to her the reason I was hesitant about it was Quatre. It would be real smooth to tell her he's gay now wouldn't it? She gave me the stern mom look that said she meant business, so I took off my shirt. She gently, but firmly took my right arm with one hand and the other ripped at the tape, but some of the gauze went with it.

Soon as Quatre placed the kit at her feet she ordered, "Get me a clean wash cloth from the drawer. Get it damp and put a drop of the hand soap that's in there. Only a small bit." He left again without a word. Mother took off the gauze very slowly and let it fall to the floor. The stitches looked hideous. Nasty thick black threads weaved across my arm. Man did it itch! She stared at it with a frown. She took the cloth from Quatre and asked him to turn on the bedside lamp to give her more light. She rotated my arm a little bit. She asked, "Do you feel this?" She traced a finger along every stitch gently. I nodded. It was a little tender, but nothing I couldn't handle. She poked at one spot. I reacted a little. She squeezed it and it made me hiss. "It's not infected, but that spot we'll have to keep careful eye on." She took the wash cloth and dabbed my wounds at first, but then glided over them with it. There were a few patches of dried blood. She took this opportunity to gently scrub away. Quatre watched her intently the entire time. When she was done she released my arm. She gave Quatre the cloth and told him to get a new one. He did without protest. Soon as he was back she did it all over again with the other arm.

She put ointment on the wounds and wrapped them back up, "For now we're going to keep them covered, but tomorrow I want the bandages to come off. It needs to breathe as much as possible. It's a trick I learned from a plastic surgeon. It heals faster breathing. I know another trick that will limit scarring, but it has to wait until the stitches are removed. Seven days you have an appointment. That's probably when they'll take them out." I nodded. Quatre muttered something about the couch. My mother pointed a finger at me, "If you rip those stitches out I swear you wish you were never born." I already wish that.


	15. FeiFei - Saturday

Darkness Within  
Chapter 15 Day 5

a/n: Wufei was fun to write.

……

Saturday school was held in the cafeteria. The rules were no talking. They expected us to work on homework, but as long as we were quiet they didn't get after us about what we did. It was three hours long with a small break in the middle of it. Wufei took a seat next to me. It was a little ironic to have the one person that landed me here sitting next to me. He didn't say anything or even look at me. A paper passed around we were supposed to sign and give our stupid student number. He dug into his wallet and pulled out his student card to get the number. The paper read 89512 as his. Mine was 84073. I had it memorized mostly because I've been into trouble before. You'd think if I was such a miscreant I would've gotten more than Saturday school.

Wufei slid a paper and pencil to me. It wasn't folded. His messy scrawl said, 'I have a soda for you.' It was complete with a smiley face. That is such a girl thing. I wrote back with a simple, 'Cool.' No smiley face. I slid it back. He stared at it for a while before writing something and slid it to me again. He had made eyes on my o's as well as said, 'After this I'm going to Kasey's.' That was a fast food joint a few blocks from here. I wrote back, 'I'll go.' Fuck yeah I'm going to ditch Quatre. It's not like he wouldn't have all night to pester me and remind me how stupid I am. Weasel. Wufei took the paper back and wrote, 'Look, Brent is here.' I barely read it when guess who sat across from us.

Brent had a black eye. He grinned, "So, you're hanging out with fags now. You join their ranks, Chang?"

"Maybe," He smirked. I gawked at him. How could he be so cavalier about it?

"Quiet!" One of the supervisors shouted from all the way across the room. And that ended the discussion. Brent got back up he flashed a sign with his hand. His index finger and thumb made a circle and the other three fingers extended. He pointed at Wufei and chuckled as he moved to another part of the room. He kept eyeing me though. It was just another way of basically calling Wufei gay. Wufei wrote on the paper again and slid it to me. It read, 'Don't mind him.' I wrote back, 'He's only going to kick my ass no big deal.' He responded with, 'Not if I can help it.' I shot back with, 'Why do you care?' He replied, 'It's what friends do.' That is the confusing part. Was he really trying to be friends? He just seemed too shady for it to be true. I asked, 'And you don't care if you're called a fag?' When he read it he met my gaze and shook his head with a smirk. He wrote back, 'He's just being childish. You're not gay. Don't let it get to you.' I couldn't help it. The blush spread across my cheeks. That kiss. His soft lips. I shook my head. I know Quatre said basically it didn't mean I was gay, but straight guys don't do that! They just don't. That's logic you can't dispute. Oh my God. Not now! I can't think about this now.

Something jumped in front of my face causing me to jump back in my seat. It was Wufei's hand. He waved it in front of me a second time to good measure I guess. He whispered, "You were miles away. Brent is a bully. He gets off on making people miserable. If he knows he got to you he'll keep preying on you."

I wrote, 'So, not giving a shit makes him stop?' He wrote back, 'In theory.' Great. He's going on theory. He must've have read my mind. He took the paper and wrote back, 'It's better than crying about it.' That is a really good point, but… God! This was so frustrating.

Wufei mouthed the words, "He really got to you."

"Quatre did." I said without thinking. Wufei looked confused. He was silent. He didn't even write to me anymore. An occasional glance my way was all Wufei gave me until the break. They let us out into the courtyard and basically anywhere we wanted as long as we came back to finish our sentence on time. I went to locker hall for no reason. Just away from the cafeteria, but obviously I can't go too far.

Wufei followed me, "Quatre?"

"Blondie," I clarified, but that didn't look like it surprised him.

Wufei looked thoughtful, "Quatre got to you?" He pulled a soda out of his back pack and handed it to me. I took it. He said it again, but not as a question, "Quatre got to you. Not Brent?" I didn't answer. He nodded, "Brent did. Hmm?" He didn't appear to be too interested in grilling me for the answer.

"How do you know Quatre?" I asked.

"I told you, I've seen him around. I don't know him, per se. Before we were friends, I've seen you around. A familiar stranger." Again with the cryptic crap. What is with him? "He doesn't like me. I don't think there will be a friendship with him."

"Gee I wonder why? You didn't do anything when Brent shoved him in his locker."

Wufei chuckled, "Is that what Quatre told you? I didn't need to interfere. That Latin lover of his saved him every time."

"What?" I asked.

He smirked, "Quatre is gay."

"Yeah, I know." I growled. "Trowa saved him?"

"I'm assuming that's the boyfriend's name." He nodded thoughtfully, "As long as he's around, Quatre is relatively safe. Shoved into a locker is about the worst that happens."

"Are you stalking Quatre?" I asked.

"No. Brent." Wufei chuckled. "Listen, I need two small favors from you. One is to pass notes with me as often as you can. What you write isn't important. Doodling would suffice or even blank. The important part is to pass it back and forth."

"Sure." It's not like we weren't doing that before. "And the second?"

"Not to ask why." He said ominously. I wasn't going to. It's a bit weird, but I wasn't going to ask because I wasn't curious… until now.


	16. No Nicknames

Darkness Within  
Chapter 16

a/n: This chapter is beautiful chaos. Again I love writing Wufei.  
……

Wufei and I played a game of hangman during the second half of our sentence in Saturday school. He protested a little bit to the game. He protested more venomously to having a second round after he learned the phrase was, 'Feifei is a stalker.' He said he wanted to pass notes and left it open what they could be about. He agreed to another round when I said he could pick the phrase. I hung myself. He filled in the phrase anyway. It was, 'ABSOLUTELY NO PET NAMES.' He never specified what the notes had to be. After several stupid games of hangman Wufei nodded to Brent, who was looking directly at me. Wufei scooted close to me and whispered, "See the three at the table with him?" They looked like a bunch of jocks. A couple of them with letterman jackets fully decked out. Each had what I guessed was their class ring, one of them playing with it. All of them oversized. Then I looked back at Wufei. He had a ring also. No letterman jacket, though. "They've all known each other since grade school. I used to be one of them."

I asked harshly, "Not anymore?" Quatre was right I needed to watch what I say around him.

He nodded grimly, "They are going to get you. Right now I have them in check being your friend, but that probably will change very quickly. I've pissed him off."

"So?"

Wufei wrote on the paper for quite some time before he handed it to me. 'I don't think you understand. I was one of them. Camping trips, sleepovers, drunken parties, dating the same girls and shared a locker room. Earlier I eluded to being gay. That is the scope of pissed they are. I don't know what it is that Quatre told you about me to make you not trust me, but I'm taking some huge risks for you.'

"Why?" I mouthed.

"Hilde asked me to."

"Hilde?!" I screech as I stand up.

"Quiet!" The supervisor yelled and started to approach. The bell rang. The supervisor deflated and waved us off.

He's known Hilde and been talking with her this entire time? Something inside me snapped. I'm going to kill him. I decked him with everything I had in a right hook. He fell out of his chair and knocked over his crutches. He got up and stood on both his feet in a defensive position. It obviously pained him to do so. I lunged at him. We both were sprawled on the floor. Other students were shouting, but I didn't care what. I'm going to choke the life out of him! My hands flew up to his throat and his to my arms. I hissed. He twisted. It burned! I let go. He knew! Before I even knew what happened I was on my back and he was straddled over me with a hand on my chest to keep me down. Then just as quickly he was off of me. The supervisor grabbed him. I was hauled up by another supervisor. I glared at Wufei. He nodded to Brent a couple times and mouthed, "Look!" Brent was smirking. I struggled, but I couldn't break loose.

Fuck. I was escorted to the office. There was no waiting this time. I was marched straight in to see the Vice Principal. She sneered at me. She was on the phone, probably with my mother. She put the phone down in its cradle. She glared at me, "We can't get a hold of your mother." She shifted in her chair behind the huge desk. She asked, "What was the fight about?"

Instead of answering I said, "That's what you get for putting us in Saturday school together. You should've just suspended us both the first time."

"That will be remedied, I assure you." She said haughtily. "Five days. Why aren't there any other emergency numbers listed in your file?"

"Other than Mother there is no one," I said icily.

She sighed, "What were your plans for getting home?"

"A friend is going to pick me up," I bit my lip.

"Get out of my sight," She waved her arm, "I want your mother in here Monday so we can discuss your behavior."

"Yes, Ma'am." I got up and left her office. Wufei was waiting outside. I gave him a nasty look. He smirked. If the Vice Principal wasn't standing right there I'd knock that smirk off his face. Instead, I made my way out of the school.

Quatre was approaching it with a frantic look on his face. I was tempted to bypass him and find my own way home, but I didn't feel like walking. It was easier just to throw myself into him. He stiffened. "Duo, this is awkward. Do you know the conversation I had with Hilde?! She told me about sex with you! Details. A lot that you've forgotten to mention." Oh shit… I winced. "She even estimated your size for me." I let him go and back away without looking at him. This was too much. "Your girlfriend has a sick mind! I can't believe it. She's my best friend… and I can't believe it. That is incredibly awkward." You don't have to tell me that. I wanted to laugh, but it came out a sob. "Duo?" This was probably the worst place in the world to… but I broke down. I felt my knees give way. He caught me amazingly enough. I sobbed into his shirt. He sighed.


	17. Under Pressure

Darkness Within  
Chapter 17 Day 5

…….

Breathe. Slow in. One. Two. Three. Hold. And out. One. Two. Three. God, this was stupid. Breathe Slow in. Blinking. The tears. Hold it together. I massaged the back of my neck. Quatre was staring at me. He was angry and he was trying to control it just like I was trying to stop being a fucking cry baby. Though Quatre seems like the type the worst his wrath would be a rant, but that's not so bad is it? The tears are a whole different level of pathetic than ranting.

It's hard thinking about it. How am I supposed to talk about it if I can't even think about it? Quatre is expecting me to tell him. Demanding and pleading. I have a lot of information that he probably should know.

"You're bleeding!" Quatre exclaimed. He gestured to my shirt. I looked down and there was a small patch of blood. I lifted my shirt. Clean. He grabbed my arm and yanked off an arm warmer. Bingo. He dabbed with my arm warmer at the site.

"What are you doing?"

"You had a couple stitches come loose," He then tied the warmer around my arm. "We're going to get you to the hospital."

"No!" I protested. "It's not that bad." He gave me a nasty look. He probably thought I did it to myself. "Wufei did it."

"Put pressure on it," He barked. He put the car into drive. "Wufei?"

"We… got into a fight."

"Figures," He said with irritation. "Put pressure on it!" He grabbed my other hand and clasped it to the site. His hand lingered on top of mine for a moment. Was this really necessary? He did tie my warmer on pretty tight. He put the car into drive.

He knew Hilde. Wufei knew Hilde. They've talked, just as Quatre and Hilde have talked. How much does he know? He could've told Brent! The whole school will know I've failed. The tears were threatening again. "Quatre, I can't go home."

"Why n-?" He glanced at me. He sighed, "My father is on a business trip…." He shook his head, "No. That's not a good idea."

"That's perfect."

"Duo! No!" He looked horrified at the prospect. "I shouldn't even be doing this…."

"Picking me up?" I wondered out loud. Is this about that kiss? The memory of it made my lips tingle. I want it to happen again. Oh, God. Straight guys don't think like that. I bit my lip.

"I did it because I wanted to talk. Now, I dunno." He shook his head. "It's awkward, but for me it shouldn't be. I'm used to this. This is how it starts. Curiosity."

"What?" I ask.

"Never mind." He parked the car. We were in a parking lot of a grocery store nearby and annoyingly Kasey's was just a few hundred feet away. "I want to help you. Really, I do. I even had a plan." He sighed. Plan? Pester me until I broke? "Now I'm more interested in… uh." He blushed. Don't go there. Don't think about it. Breathe. Quatre looked horrified, "I am sorry, Duo." It's one thing to think about kissing him…. I can't think about that. The cursive scrawl of Kasey's was irritating. Wufei planned to be here. Could he be here? Maybe he actually have parents that are home. Maybe he's avoiding the place. My luck he'd show up with his squad of assholes. Of course Quatre can't shut up for a minute, "Duo… please. I won't hurt you. You initiated that kiss. Not me. It would be like that."

Breathe. "I don't want to talk about that."

"You don't want to talk about anything."

"Thinking about stuff like that landed me with these," I held up my arms.

"Pressure!" He growled. Instead of forcing the issue he loosed the makeshift tourniquet and stared at my naked arm. It was a bit disturbing, but I wasn't sure if I really wanted another failed suicide attempt, so I let him. "The bleeding isn't as bad as it looks." He tied the tourniquet back on. "Probably leave it like that for a while longer. Soon as we get you back home we'll butterfly it."

"I am not going home," I opened the car door. Wufei or not-.

"Wait!" He grabbed my sleeve in panic. "Fine. We'll go to my place."

"If you are lying to me I'll leap out into to oncoming traffic. Maybe I'll be lucky and meet a bus." He doesn't know if I'd do it again or not. I am not even sure.

He winced, "I'm not lying." The fact he engaged the door locks wasn't very reassuring. He put the car back into drive. "You think we should call your mom?"

"I'm not going to stop you," because I didn't give a shit if she knew or not. I just… know I'm due for a melt down and I rather her not see it. I can't keep this up. I can't hold it back for long. I rather not Quatre see it either, but at least he won't take me to a shrink or tell anyone. Or I hope. This is kind of blind faith I'm putting into him.

We were silent through the entire ride. We went through my poor neighborhood. I glared at him half expecting him to drop me off at home. He didn't. My neighborhood was run down and trashed. The type you wonder if there were any gangs there. There weren't. There were wannabes that dressed like it and pretended they owned the neighborhood. They spray paint abandoned apartments and duplexes, but it was all for show. They worst they do is steal lunch money from the elementary kids or Butterfingers from the liquor store while the old man was busy. Maybe they'll grow up to be just like Brent. Maybe trade in their gang threads for letterman jackets. Fucking jocks.

There were some stores that separated the lower from a higher class. They were houses that were clean, but probably because they were mostly empty. You know judges, doctors and such. They don't spend too much time at home. It's amazing they don't see graffiti because how close they are to the projects. Maybe it's a good neighborhood watch. Who knows? We went passed those. I gawked at Quatre. He didn't seem to notice. He was heading toward the mansions. He even turned into a driveway blocked off by one of those huge metal gates you couldn't climb over without seriously hurting yourself. He pushed a button on a remote clipped to the visor. It looked like a normal garage opener, but it activated the gate. Holy crap. He slowly pulled inside and let the gate close behind us. He sighed, "This you tell no one."

"You kidding? No one would believe me." I whistled. The driveway was long and led up to a huge house painted an obnoxious color of blue. There were huge windows that looked two stories tall and probably nine feet wide! There were more than a dozen. I was too in awe to really count. We parked in front of a fountain. When we got out of the car I stopped and looked at it. It was nothing more than a black Honda with nothing real noticeable about it. Pretty stock.

Quatre came up next to me, "You okay?"

"You drive a fucking Honda and you live in a place like this?"

"I like to blend in," He muttered. He did a good job of it. There were so many Hondas at the school, most of them beater vehicles or pick and pull specials. His wasn't new, but it wasn't beat. He better be careful. A stolen Honda is a regular occurrence, but judging by this place… replacing it wouldn't be an issue. Man, this place must have its own zip code. "Yes, I do have keys to the Corvette." He said it before I saw it. My jaw dropped. It was a better blue than the house, but it was shaded by an awning so it didn't stand out like you'd think a Corvette would.

"Hand them over."

He laughed, "Maybe later."

"Seriously? You'd let me drive it? I don't have a license."

"Private property," He smirked. "Come on let's go inside."

"We don't have to. I'd be happy sleeping in the 'vette."

He chuckled, "Don't be ridiculous."


	18. Spoiled Rich Kid

Darkness Within  
Chapter 18 Day 5

…..

Wow. Quatre's place looked bigger on the inside. High ceilings, chandeliers, arched doorways, wood accents…. There was tapestry that actually fit the windows. Quatre told me to make myself at home, but I feared just sitting on the furniture. "Should I… take off my shoes or something?"

He chuckled, "You aren't going to hurt anything."

"Dude, if I made minimum wage and lived with my mother and just saved for a year I probably couldn't afford that chair," I pointed to an old style chair with wood accents you'd expect to see in a period painting or something.

He shook his head, "That was a present. All of this isn't as expensive as you think, but I doubt you're interested in the furnishings."

"A present? How does it match the couch and another chair?"

He sighed, "They were upholstered to match. If you look closely they aren't a set. You seriously want to discuss the furniture?"

"My curiosity is satisfied about the furniture." I held up my hands. Though, it is a much safe topic. "What is there to do around here other than take a spin in that fancy Corvette? I don't see you as the type to drive a 'vette, even if you are a spoiled rich kid. You're more of maybe a Jagwire guy."

"It's Jaguar," He said easily.

"That's what I said."

"No," He mused. "Never mind. The 'vette was Dad's, some midlife crisis thing probably. He wrecked it and instead of junking it he had me restore it as a half assed sweet sixteen gift."

"Half assed? A Corvette? You_ are_ a spoiled rich kid."

He sighed, "It was three months late and when I say restore it… I mean it. Worked several months getting up four hours before school started… working on it until school. Coming home and at it again until dusk."

"By yourself?" I asked incredulously.

"There was supervision of mechanics of course. They just sat back, drank beer, made jokes about the spoiled rich kid doing their job and vaguely instructing me," Quatre growled then a second later smirked, "Showed them! I don't regret the experience, but it would be nice if Dad remembered my birthday on the day of with a present I wouldn't have to work for. I appreciate him trying to teach me humility and responsibility, don't get me wrong. I'm a better person for it."

"So, he doesn't spoil you?" I frowned.

"Depends on your definition of spoiled. He'll get me expensive clothes and bedding. I'll get food you'd probably never tasted before. You can't exactly go to the grocery store and ask for a duck, can you? But far as toys go… no."

I blinked, "Duck?"

"If you order it at a restaurant here you won't like it so forget it. Have my chef cook it for you… divine. He won't let me in on his recipe."

"You have a chef!" I beamed.

"Only when Dad's here. He doesn't have time to cook and microwavable meals are out of the question." He must've noticed my expression. "Don't worry I can cook. Just not duck yet."

"You still didn't answer my question. What is there to do here?" I asked again.

"There is a pool…." He said hesitantly. He scratched the back of his neck, "A pool table." He paused for a minute, "If you were a spoiled rich kid… what would you do?"

"How about you give me a tour? If something peaks my interest I'll let you know." I was pretty easy going.

He nodded, "This is the family room. Painting is a hobby two of my sisters do. Anything that looks familiar isn't real. Like I said, everything here isn't as expensive as you think it is."

"You have sisters?"

"They are all older. I'm the last in the house," He sighed. "They decorated most of the house. I have no concept of design or fashion. I just have sisters that helped me." He laughed, "They might be the reason I'm gay."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I'm only kidding. I'm the only boy. My older sisters raised me. They were used to being around and raising other girls so they treated me like one of the girls…."

"Dressing you up and painting your nails?" I smirked.

"Among other things," He cleared his throat. "Follow me." He led me to the next room. It was obviously a large dining room. Again with the chandeliers, three of them! It opened up into a kitchen you could play football in. Okay a bit of an exaggeration, though it probably would have most restaurants envious. There was endless counter space and wood cabinets with stained glass displaying some of the dishes.

"Where is the frig?" I asked.

He walked over to the middle of a set of cabinets at the wall and opened one to reveal it was hidden. Very nice. "Thirsty? Hungry?"

"Water?"I asked. He opened a drawer and pulled out a frosted glass bottle. He handed it to me. Whoa. I would've been okay with just grabbing a glass and taking it from the tap. Examining it I snorted, "Fruity carbonated water?"

"There is uncarbonated in the same drawer if you rather. Help yourself to whatever you like. There's chips, cookies, anything. I can cook. Don't be shy. There is a grill out back too." He pointed to French doors. It looked like a patio and there was a diving board in view. He hesitated. Then he went through to the patio and gestured for me to follow. It was a cozy patio. It wasn't unnecessarily huge like what I saw so far of the house. There was a small patio set made of wood and iron. The grill was huge, but didn't look too expensive. My guess was charcoal, the best kind. He approached the pool. The vacuum, I'm assuming it is a vacuum, was at the bottom of the deep end. It looked a bit alien. It wasn't on as far as I could tell.

"How deep is it?"

"Fourteen feet at this end. About four at the other end. I suppose you want to go swimming?" He didn't look too thrilled with the idea.

"Might be a stupid question, but can you swim?"

"Of course," He said indignantly.

"Just checking. You act like you're afraid of the water or somethin'. I shouldn't go swimming. Stitches, chlorine…." That doesn't mean he couldn't. "Hey, what's that?"

"What's what?" He asked. Looking to where I was pointing.

"On the other side of the pool. It isn't what I think it is… is it?" I waited until he stepped closer then I pushed him. He yelped and then splashed. He came back up and gave me a nasty look. Yup, he can swim. I sipped on my fruity carbonated water innocently.


	19. Awk-ward

Darkness Within  
Chapter 19 Day 5

a/n: I have minor surgery and an unrelated personal crisis so the updates may lapse a little bit… it depends on a lot of variables. I just wanted to give a heads up just in case. Chapter 20 is being worked on as this is posted. I doubt I'll get it finished prior to surgery, but I'm give it my all and see if I can squeeze in another update.

……

Quatre said someone was here and assumed it was one of his sisters. He awkwardly had me hangout in his room while he changed into dryer clothes. My, the back of his door was interesting. It had knots in it and had a rather dark finish on it. There was a part where it caved in as if someone punched it maybe? That must have an interesting story, right? God, I can't focus. I'm used to being in locker room changing with other guys and I managed okay. This really shouldn't be any different. It felt ages before he was next to me just finishing up buttoning his shirt. "Stay here, I'm going to check it out."

So, this was his room. Curiosity over took me. I looked around. He had a four post bed. Railing connected them. A heavy curtain attached was pulled back to the head of the bed. It wasn't made. The sheets had small pink roses on them. The covers were various shades of light green with embroidered white flowers on them. Oh man. I was tempted go snooping around, but not sure how far I wanted to take that. Instead I just poked gently around the room. Opened the armoire. He was big on button down, collared shirts. Lots of slacks. The drawers inside I didn't open. I closed the armoire. He didn't have any posters or pictures on the wall. It was just white. No television. He had loafers, slippers, flipflops and all sorts of footwear lined up along the side of the bed. There was something sticking out of one of the shoes. I bent down and grabbed it. To my horror it was a condom…. Hastily I put it back. In his shoe? That ended my snooping. Yes, it could've been worse. At least it was still secure in the package. God, I'm blushing! No one is here! I sat on the bed only to get a little awkward after _that_ discovery. I decided to stand.

It was a couple minutes before Quatre came back. He shut the door and locked it. That wasn't very reassuring, "She'll be gone soon. She just came to take care of her horse."

"So, I don't get to meet her?" That would be a brilliant excuse to get out of here.

"I rather you not…." He sighed. I bit my lip. He confessed, "She'll make assumptions I'm not ready for." I bit harder. I know what he was referring to. He walked over to the bed and sat on it. He leaned against the headboard. He was peering sideways out the window. "She's in the stables now. My entire family knows." Knows what? Then he said bitterly, "Though, father likes to pretend his only son isn't gay." Ah. He sat there in silence for a while before smiling, "Sorry. I'm sure you don't want to hear my family's issues. And my sexuality is even farther on the list…."

"I can handle it." I… think. I started messing with the tourniquet.

Quatre got up and removed it for me. He looked at my arm, "The bleeding stopped. That's a good thing. Let me get you a butterfly." He went to a door I didn't even realize was there. It had a huge mirror hanging on it. He came out with a butterfly tape. He placed it carefully over the wound. "Now it should be okay." He removed my other arm warmer. "I'll… have these dry cleaned for you." He stared at my arms, "I know we're relatively alone, but… would you prefer them covered?" I nodded. He went to his armoire and took out one of his fancy button up, collared shirts with long sleeves and handed one to me. It was a dark blue. "Just put it over your shirt and you should be fine." So, I did. He nodded his approval, "You look better in it than I do. Keep it." I blushed. He suddenly asked, "Wufei did this to you?" He still didn't sound like he believed me. I merely nodded. "What was the fight about?"

"Ask Hilde about Wufei," I said simply.

"I rather not talk to Hilde," He snapped. Whoa. What was going on there? He cleared his throat and asked gently, "Why would I ask Hilde about Wufei?"

"They are friends," I blurted. He gaped at me. This must be the first he's heard of it too. "She's blurted everything to him as she did you." That came out a bit more bitterly than I meant it.

His lips formed a thin line, "Hilde is a huge problem. This could… undo you."

"What?"

"Um… you're in a delicate state of mind. Having the whole school know that could be very devastating. Brent wouldn't keep something like that to himself if Wufei told. Not, to scare you into going back to school Monday."

"Next Monday," I corrected. He looked confused. I told him I was suspended. He sighed. Then a thought occurred to me, "Wufei hasn't told Brent yet. What could that mean?"

"Hmm… I don't know. But he's obviously not your friend if you fought him. That might've changed the circumstances." He's right….

Quatre bent down to the row of shoes. He hesitated over the ones with the hidden condom and chose the ones next to it. Was that the exact reason he was hesitating? He put them on. "Uh…What were we talking about?"

He gave me a funny look, "If the whole school suddenly knew about your suicide attempt… it would be Brent's doing and we can track it back to Hilde. Are you okay?"

"Yeah." I meant I'm not sure.

"You're biting your lip." He raised an eyebrow. "You always do that when you're a bit nervous."

To my horror I blurted, "Condom."

He looked confused for a second then he looked as horrified as I felt. His cheeks flushed. "So you saw that…." He rubbed the back of his neck. He then looked startled, "They were there before I met you! Please don't get the wrong idea."

"My visit wasn't planned," I tried to play it cool, but there was a tremor in my voice. "I didn't think…."

Quatre burst into laughter, "I am so sorry. That's the last thing you need… to see my condom and lube stash." I cringed. He laughed some more, "You didn't see the lube…." He turned redder. He added weakly, "It's in the other shoe."

Also blushing I asked, "So… uh… what were we talking about again?"I really wish I knew….


	20. Tell Me

Darkness Within  
Chapter 20 Day 5

a/n: I have no wisdom teeth. They are gone. Okay not quite. They gave me them in a bag as a souvenir (gross). I'm so swollen it looks like I'm holding golf balls inside my cheeks and that's without the gauze. I'm still having a personal crisis. Be kind about how often I update, but don't spare me on criticism of my work. Feedback is how I grow as an author. My work is dark and demented. I don't expect everyone to like it or everyone that does like it to like every chapter/situation that I construct. You know, the more I talk about Duo's lip ring… the more I want one….

……

There was another argument about the sleeping arrangements. This time the argument ended us in the same bed. It was a Queen, but despite it being a relatively big bed we were both on opposite edges of it. We were both still fully clothed. It was really stupid. Neither of us was going to admit the shoe incident got to us. Even worse, I just noticed I was on the side with the row of shoes. Or would it be worse if Quatre were? Oh, God…. Am I really going there? I know he didn't intend…. No, I can't go there. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

"I am not going to sleep tonight," Quatre confessed from the other end of the bed. "How are you doing?"

"About the same."

"How old were you when you were raped?" The suddenness of his question caught me off guard. He sighed, "Duo? I'm just really concerned about you. The sooner you talk about it the sooner you can heal."

My heart was pounding in my chest. I had to remember how to breathe. My voice was barely a whisper, "It started when I was ten or eleven…." Please. I don't want to think about it. Don't. Father Maxwell slowly crossed the line. Pat on the back. Hand on the shoulder. Knee. Thigh. It was slow. Months. By the time he actually grabbed me it was too late. The protest never made it passed my lips. It felt like I dreamed it. He was… gentle. Slow and explaining to me what he was doing to me.

"Started?" Quatre echoed. "A reoccurring thing?" The lump in my throat didn't let me answer. He breathed, "Duo…. You never told anyone?"

"Not until I met you," I licked my lip.

"Does Hilde know?" His voice was on the verge of panic.

"No," I hissed. Father Maxwell's voice was nothing more than a whisper. It hurt. Oh, God, did it hurt. I never cried out. He praised me for it.

Quatre's hand on my shoulder startled me, "Why didn't you tell anyone?" I didn't want it to stop. He put his arms around me in a hug. His breath was in my ear. Oh god. "How long… did it go on?" The tears were coming back. They itch. I clawed at the mattress. "Duo?" Don't want to think about it. Mustn't.

"W-why are you asking me all of this?"

"It's all I think about," His hand lightly trailed down my arm. When he reached my elbow he backed away from me.

"You're the first guy I kissed," I confessed.

He ignored me and asked again, "How long, Duo?"

"Maybe a year…." I wasn't really sure. It was all a blur.

"A year!" He exclaimed.

"Maybe, why?"

"It went unnoticed for a year?" He sounded appalled.

"No. Sister Madeline suspected. She loved Father Maxwell too. It's hard to think badly about those you love…." Even me.

Quatre was silent for a long moment. The arm he had around me reached across my chest and squeezed the opposite shoulder. Finally he asked, "Didn't you fight back?" I bit my lip. I struggled underneath Father Maxwell at first. His grip on me was strong. You'd think an eleven year old could put up quite a fight…. But, after a while… of futile struggling I let him. I just let him! Tears streamed down my face. Oh my God. My breath came out in gasps. Quatre's cheek touched mine. I could feel his chest as he breathed. It made me very uncomfortable. Quatre sounded sincere, "I am just trying to help. Anything you say, I won't tell."

Somehow, I knew that. It's not about that. My breathing was choked sobs that I was desperately trying to control. It was hard to talk about. I get hysterical. I'm tired of crying…. "How do I stop hurting?"

"Talking about it is supposed to help." He said cheerfully.

"It hurts then too. To think about it, to talk about it, to feel you touching me…." Soon as I said that he retreated from me. "I want to enjoy that. Like I enjoy kissing you. You think that is even possible?"

He was silent for a long time before saying, "It's better if you didn't."

"How is it better? I freak out at the smallest touches!" I turned around and faced him. It was too dark to see his expression, but I could make out his outline.

"I don't like where this conversation is going…." His voice was strained.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"It's steering in the direction of sex."

"It's already there. What do you think rape is?" I accused.

Quatre sighed, "I meant… with me, consensually. Isn't that where this is going?"

"I-I don't know if I could… go that far." I confessed.

"Then what are you suggesting?" He asked quietly.

"Just… touching me." I whispered. "Kiss me."

"That isn't a good idea either. You were raped!"

"That doesn't mean I have to be abstinent forever!"

"See it is about sex." His tone was angry. "And you're not! You slept with Hilde."

"I don't like Hilde," I said icily, "Is that why you won't? That the only reason? Because I slept with her first? I thought maybe it was because you two are really good friends. Don't want to hurt her. You broke the kiss. She's the reason?" He didn't answer. I stared at his dark form for a long time before I asked, "What is it? Your boyfriend?"

"I don't have a boyfriend anymore because of Hilde." He said softly. "It isn't about her either. She's just an easy excuse."

"So, you're single?"

"It appears so."

"Then why? The fact I was raped that disgusts you?"

"You don't disgust me…." He muttered. "I worry about hurting you."

"How about I worry about that?"

He shifted, "I don't think you are capable of that." He found my shoulder and followed my arm down. He gripped by elbow. My suicide attempt. But instead of refusing he moved that hand up my arm, shoulder, and neck. Then he slowly traced my jaw to my lips. "If I went too far… would you be able to tell me?" He didn't wait for an answer. He pressed his lips to mine. This caught me off guard. I thought for sure he was going to refuse. He pulled me in closer to him. I faltered a little bit in the kiss. He moaned against me before breaking it, "This ends if you can't communicate how you're feeling."

"H-how far is this going to go?" I asked.

"That is up to you. You stop me when it's too much or you need a break. Can I trust you to do that?" His voice wavered. I nodded. He was kissing me again.


	21. Sister- Sunday

Darkness Within  
Chapter 21 Day 6

a/n: I'm baaaack. Dun Dun Dun. Reminder pairings are: 2xHilde (minor suggestion of 4x3), 4x2, 5x2, 5x2xHilde, and 2xHilde.

…..

The sun was shining into the room through huge windows at the head of the bed. The other side of the bed was empty. I don't remember doing it, but I must've fallen asleep. Slowly I got up. The bathroom? The door was wide open. No one there, but someone was by a towel draped over the door. Where is Quatre? He didn't exactly finish the tour, but I could start with what I know. I was dressed in what I wore yesterday so there was no need to get dressed.

He was in the kitchen. I could smell the bacon from the hallway. He was in a new change of clothes. His hair was wet. No surprise. I could use one. Maybe after breakfast. The smell was making me hungry. I stopped in my tracks when I saw the back of someone. She was standing just a few feet from me. She had cropped blond hair. She was wearing a white dress. She could be his sister. She spoke, "But having your permission ruins the whole point of doing it," She giggled. If looks could kill… she'd drop dead. "Any story? And you won't retaliate?"

"Since when have I been able to retaliate from you?" He groaned. "Yes, any story."

"Since I don't have sisters backing me up." She sat down at a stool at the counter and leaned over. I couldn't see what she was doing but I heard a smack and her yelp. "What?"

"It's not done!" He was laughing. It stopped short. He looked directly at me. "We've got bacon, eggs and some potatoes. I decided to keep it simple. I'll torture you another time."

"Sure, whatever." Soon as I spoke she whirled around.

She eyed me carefully before turning to Quatre, "Come on, it's too easy… one joke?"

"No," Quatre ordered, "Now grab me some plates, woman!"

I half expected her to slap him. Instead she laughed, "I hope you made enough for me."

"There is enough," He flipped off the heat and starting tossing things into the sink.

She dished up three plates. Quatre cleaned up the mess. She gestured to the counter. "Don't worry, I don't bite. I'm Ariel, by the way."

I nodded and sat next to her. Quatre chuckled, "Don't believe her." He took out a carton of orange juice and poured himself a glass.

"I was twelve!" She protested. He gave her a look. She scowled, "Oh, come on you can't be counting a year ago?" His only response was a smirk followed by a drink from his orange juice. "Come on you asked for that! You do not mess with a pregnant woman's food. You're lucky you still have a hand." She laughed. "Which reminds me… I'm expecting again." She rubbed her stomach. "Eighteen weeks."

"I knew you were looking a little fat." Quatre commented. She lightly backhanded his shoulder from over the counter. He laughed, "Congratulations."

The room was silent except for the occasional scrape of a fork across a plate or a crunch of bacon. When I looked to Quatre he was staring at me. He mouthed, "Sorry." I shrugged. He didn't want his sister there, but a part of me was glad. It was interesting to see their relationship. It's curious because I never had siblings, not how he does. And I'm a bit curious.

Ariel pushed her plate away half eaten. "I hate being pregnant."

Quatre laughed, "Talk to that husband of yours. You've been having babies one after another for the last four years!"

"I love kids! I just… hate being pregnant." She laughed, "I felt famished when you were cooking… now I'm just not interested. She keeps moving around in there…." She placed a hand on her stomach. "It's like having a bunch of butterflies in there for real." She grabbed my wrist. I bit my lip trying not to react. She placed it on her stomach, "Can you feel it?"

Her grip was firm and my wrist was sore. It took me a moment to gather my wits to even try. She gave me an expectant look. I shook my head.

"I wish you could. It's driving me nuts." A slow smirk played across her lips when she let go of me, "You're sure silent. Figures."

Quatre cringed, "He's not silent and not…." He gave me a confused look.

With a raised eyebrow she looked back and forth between us, "Oh! So, you two don't even know where you stand?"

"Quatre likes to complicate it," I spoke up giving him a smirk. He looked at me horrified.

Ariel howled with laughter, "Sounds like him."

"It's not my fault. It just… is." He glared at his sister, "And I told you to butt out." That confused me. The conversation I walked in didn't sound like he objected.

She was still smiling, "You don't have to be embarrassed."

"I'm not. But I'm not the one I'm worried about," He looked directly at me.

"He doesn't sound embarrassed," She commented. He gave her a nasty look. "Alright, just one more thing… you need to figure it out. Okay! I'm butting out. I've got to get to a class at three anyway."

"Class?" Quatre echoed.

She rubbed her belly, "I'm pregnant remember."

"You've been through it three times before, shouldn't you be an expert?" He shook his head with amusement.

"Hub's orders and I don't mind. It's fun to terrify the men folk." She winked at both of us before she got up and left. It wasn't long before the front door opened and closed.

That left Quatre and I alone. He sighed. He looked relieved. He asked, "You finished?" Yeah. I collected my plate and the one his sister abandoned. He protested this. I had no idea where anything was so he won over, but I didn't cave on drying. And since I was there I got to see where everything was… so next time... I'd do it. It was a bit of a surprise to find he did not own a dish washer. He explained it as another one of his dad's idea to teach him responsibility. It was amazing to hear this. Here I always thought the rich were spoiled to the point of selfishness. Clearly Quatre was an exception. Of course he never came off as a spoiled rich kid, but still… I can't help think it and be in awe.

The dishes didn't take long. He looked at me, "So… what do you think of my sister?"

"I'm surprised she let me feel her stomach." It was a bit personal, wasn't it?

"Don't let her fool you. She loves being pregnant. It's the attention. She insists everyone rub her stomach. She even makes excuses where she kind like it's good luck or something." He chuckled.

"I didn't think rich kids had a problem with attention." Crap. I said that out loud.

Thankfully he didn't take insult, "Well. We weren't always privileged. She'd remember more of that time than I do. And besides, I have twenty-nine sisters." Twenty-nine?! Holy crap. "Getting attention I imagine was next to impossible. So, I suppose it made her crave it later."

"Twenty-nine?!" I gawked.

"Twenty-nine," He confirmed. "I have eighteen nieces –no… I think Ariel hinted to having another girl so that would be nineteen nieces."

"Can you remember all their names?" I asked.

He laughed, "Yes."

"Name them," I dared.

He laughed harder, "Another time when it's more relevant."

"You mind if I take a shower?" I asked. I felt really grungy… I haven't showered since….

"Go right ahead. Fresh towels and everything you need is in there. Just, could you place your clothes outside the door? I'll replace them with something you can borrow."


	22. Gerber 500

Darkness Within  
Chapter 22 Day 6

……

When I stepped out of the bathroom in clothes Quatre let me borrow I noticed he was looking rather… it was hard to describe, but something was wrong. He was sitting on his bed with his head down as if he were staring at his hands that were in his lap… or he would've been if his eyes had been opened. "Quatre?" I asked. He didn't look at me, but he did open his eyes. In his hands he held a pocket knife that I recognized as mine. I felt suddenly stupid because it took me a while to understand. Fuck.

"I don't know what to say." He said darkly.

"Don't say anything," It was more than a suggestion. It was a wish. A plea. God, I really didn't want to go there. Not now.

Naturally, he ignores me, "Do you know what this is?"

I'm not stupid. Of course I know. I blurt a smartass comment, "A Gerber 500."

He looked confused. It says what it is on the blade, but he doesn't have it open to understand. Not that I care. He disregarded that comment to. "I found it in your pants." That I could've figured out.

"So, what?" Yeah, I know. I'm being way too cavalier about it. I get it. He connects that to my suicide. He doesn't get it. I don't think anyone would really understand.

The only reason why I used that method for suicide was because it was more natural. I'm a cutter and for years. It wasn't about killing myself. It was just… to stop hurting inside. It works too. It's almost euphoric. Sexual even. It's a need. An addiction. It took on a life of its own, but for years it was just little here… a little there. Sometimes it was just a pinch or a scratch… and I didn't touch the knife.

Or it used to work. Recently it hasn't. I got tired of hurting… so it was natural to just cut too deep. I really didn't think too much about it. Deep down... it wasn't a cry for help. It wasn't for attention. It was one wish. I wish I were dead… and I tried to grant that wish. It was that simple. There was no planning it. No suicide note. What would it say anyway?

That look on his face… it was pained, like I hurt him somehow.

_I wish I were dead_.

"Duo… talk to me."

"What do you want me to say? I'm not going to beg for the knife back. I could find another or some other way. You realize you have a medicine cabinet with a couple bottles full of sleeping pills I could've downed?" He looked at me horrified. "While you were waiting to confront me I could've passed out and not woken up. There are razorblades in there. I could break the soap dish. God, I wouldn't need anything sharp. Just rip open the stitches and dig my nails in and that's all while in the bathroom." I might've gone a little far. He looked very alarmed. "All you think about is me capable of suicide. You haven't considered one factor."

He sighed, "What's that?"

"I _failed_!" I yelled at him.

"I know… so you'd probably want to retry."

"Guilt," I explained. Okay, not much of an explanation. I confessed, "The state my mother was in when I woke up in the hospital…."

Quatre nodded, "Okay. You aren't going to… well at least not now." He can be taught!

"Besides… it's getting interesting to see… where it goes between us."

He opened his mouth to speak and then closed it several times before he finally said something. It would be interesting if I could read his thoughts. Unfortunately I can't so I had to wait until he decided to share them or whatever he carefully considered worth sharing, "That's dangerous too. You'll get reminders...."

"I get reminders every time I close my eyes," I growled. That's a little bit of an over exaggeration. I go out of my way not to not think about it and not be reminded.

He sighed, "There's more than just that. It's going to hurt."

"Doesn't it always hurt the first time?" I crossed my arms.

The look he had was priceless. It was a mix between embarrassment and fear. "That's not exactly what I meant." He muttered, "You really want to go all the way…."

"Are you counting on me backing out?" I asked.

"No. I'm more afraid of you not telling me when it's gone too far. I really don't want to be a broken record asking if you're okay. Damn… I hate mentioning this… but I really wish I asked Hilde what you… sounded like."

"During sex?"

"Then I'd have some reference point as to what is normal for you."

"She told you my size, but not what I sounded like?" That is truly amazing.

He blushed, "Um.. what do you sound like?"

"Er…." Great. I'm now self-conscious about it. And probably be more so in the act.

He laughed, "Don't worry I have an idea." I don't know if I liked the look on his face. "Have you ever masturbated?"

"Er…." Damn.

He nodded as if he knew something I didn't, "I was thinking if you were comfortable touching yourself…." Ah, I think I get where he's going. And that doesn't make me less self-conscious. He gets his wish… finds out what I sound like. Of course there is the possibility of him getting pleasure out of it. He tried convincing me farther, "I'll do whatever you ask of me to make it more comfortable. I don't have to watch if… that's a problem. Just hear." He was silent for a while, which he probably took negatively because he said next, "You can also say no."

Hmm… I really didn't like being on the spot. "You'll do anything to make it more comfortable?" He nodded. "You first."

He was surprised, "Okay. You want… to see me do it?" He ended that question in a smirk and undid the button of his pants. Holy crap… he was really going to. I only suggested it to get him on the spot. He didn't seem to mind. I wasn't entirely sure if I wanted to, but I nodded. This was all something new to me. He finished undoing his pants. They gaped open to reveal boxers. That wasn't much of a mystery since I borrowed a pair of his boxers. Holy crap! I'm wearing his underwear. Crazy. "Duo?" He asked. I looked up to his face. "Having second thoughts? You have to tell me these things."

"No… I…." I blushed, "Just realizing I'm wearing your underwear."

He chuckled, "Don't worry, they're clean."

"Uh …." Wow. I laughed. I couldn't help it. Suddenly I had the image of the typical guy thing… you know picking up any old pair off the floor or out of the hamper, I suppose would be more accurate since his place is tidy, and sniffing them and that being the basis on the definition of 'clean'. I'm guilty of that with sweaters. Not sure if I'd go there with my own boxers, but surprisingly… the thought of him doing something like that wasn't disgusting. I swallowed my laughter as soon as Quatre lowered his pants and shorts with it. He grabbed himself. I was holding my breath.

….

a/n: I am doing two different versions of Darkness Within. The version is what I call the 'clean' version. Nothing sexually explicit or trying for that anyway. As such I had difficulty figuring out how to express a slow progression of 4x2 without giving too many details and without it seeming abrupt. It's a challenge. I love challenges. The next chapter is going to be numbered 24. That won't be an error. There is nothing missing that is essential to the storyline. It's just a lot easier on me while this story is a work in progress because the way I update the two versions. It does contribute to fast updates to stay organized. We like fast updates, right?


	23. Swan

Darkness Within  
Chapter 24: Day 6

a/n: The chapter number is not an error. Is it just me or are my chapters getting longer?

…..

The sex was amazing. However, what was more amazing is Quatre never asked about why I was blubbering like an idiot at the end beyond worrying if I was okay. He didn't even inquire into why I pushed him away.

It was all crashing down on me. The hurt, lust, relief… a lot of emotions… some I couldn't quite as easily identify. But relief was the most powerful. It's over. Isn't it?

Quatre had elected to clean up… which led to strange naked water fight in the bathroom. He started it. Immature bastard. I slipped and fell into him. He accidently grabbed my arms. I winced. Still a bit tender. He didn't notice at first. He held me until I surrendered. I took my time surrendering. It was… interesting to be held by him. Both of us naked. I've never been this close to someone before. That sounds stupid. It was never… intimate like this. Yeah, intimate. This intimate moment was extended strangely in the way Quatre cared for my arms. He noticed me rubbing them. His expression was dark, but his touch gentle.

I really didn't want this to end, but this… this couldn't last. "I probably should get home." I really didn't want any after sex awkwardness. So far it hasn't been, but I fear the moment could be ruined. The attention drawn to my injuries was dangerous enough. Besides I had to go home and face the music some time. I'm sure I'm grounded until the turn of the century.

He didn't seem surprised by the request, "Okay. I haven't gotten a chance to have your clothes cleaned, but you're welcome to mine." I simply nodded. He rubbed the back of his neck, "So… how are you doing… really?"

"I'm okay." And I was. He didn't look convinced. I'm not sure what I could say to convince him so I stayed silent. I held my breath and dared to look into the bathroom mirror. I barely recognized the image in it. It was me, of course. My hair was undone and loose around me. There was a slight smile and… a blush. It more than that, though. It was my eyes. For years… the look in my eyes terrified me. I could only imagine what it did to others. So, I avoided seeing it as much as possible. But now that look now wasn't quite as terrifying. It was a little brighter. It was only vaguely unnerving.

He took the liberty of picking out something for me as well as himself. We were dressed rather quickly without a word. It was a blur getting to the car and the ride back home. I thought only of how much trouble I was going to be in. My imagination could get the best of me. I was imagining mostly being tied up and locked somewhere in the house where rats wouldn't even want to be. It was bad enough I was suspended, but worse I went missing for a while. I'm sure Mother is livid by now.

Outside my door he grabbed my shoulder. I stopped midstride and looked at him. He asked again, "You sure you're okay?" I nodded. "No regrets?"

"Hell no." Why would I regret it? He still didn't look convinced. He opened the door for me. Soon as I stepped in I notice two sets of eyes on me. Mother's and Hilde's. Something snapped in me. "Get out!" I yelled at Hilde. She looked confused as if she didn't know what she's done wrong. "Out!" I repeated. Hilde looked over to my mother, who just nodded toward the door. My mother was confused.

Hilde handed me an origami swan… or some kind of bird. I gave her a funny look. She told me to unfold it. She gave Quatre a look I couldn't read and told him, "You smell like ass." It took every bit of my self control not to laugh. The irony didn't escape me. Quatre looked guilty. After she left he tried to sniff himself. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. He looked so insecure it was funny. I shook my head. I wonder if he would've reacted different… if nothing happened between us. Hilde was a bit venomous. I was too distracted by the fight to question deeply into what happened between Hilde and Quatre. He suggested that she was the reason behind being single…. I expected his animosity toward her, but didn't anticipate her reaction. Clearly I'm missing something.

My mother was staring at me. I asked "How grounded am I?" Mother looked confused. I clarified, "I've gotten suspended for fighting at school and then I disappeared for… a day and a half?" I looked to Quatre. He smirked.

Mother shook her head, "Quatre told me where you were."

He did? He nodded, "You said you weren't going to stop me."

"Quatre said you needed some time to clear your head." She smiled weakly. She asked abruptly, "What's going on between you and Hilde?"

I frowned. I really didn't want to explain. He spoke for me, "You know… high school. Rumors."

"Rumors?" My mother raised an eyebrow. Quatre looked over at me as if trying to get help from me. She looked annoyed.

Finally I clarified… a little bit, "She's been telling people personal things about me." She gestured to go on. "About… my suicide attempt." She winced. "And the fucker used it against me in the fight. I would've won if he hadn't-." Quatre put a hand on my shoulder. Mother was looking back and forth between us. "How grounded am I?"

"I'm not grounding you," Mother said. My turn to be confused. "You are going to talk to the therapist. You have plenty of time to see him since you won't be in school."

"Fine." That's worse than being grounded, but I wasn't going to argue. That reminds me… I have a stupid journal I need to write in.

"Open the letter." Quatre suggested. Letter? The paper bird? I looked at it. It did look like something was scribbled on it. Just what I need a love letter from Hilde. He said, "You don't have to reply if you don't want to, but at least read it."

When I unfolded it something fell out. Quatre bent to pick it up. I recognized the writing… it wasn't from Hilde, but from Wufei. It said simply, 'You promised.' And of course a smiley face. Wufei was such a girl. Quatre handed me a five dollar bill. He read the message and looked at me strangely.

"I paid for Wufei's lunch one day… he paid me back," I stared at the bill in awe.

"What did you promise?" He asked cautiously. To pass notes and not to ask why. Of course that was prior to the fight. He expected me to still honor that? Quatre frowned, "Duo?"

"You'd have to ask him. I don't fully understand myself." That would be interesting. Then I asked, "Why is Hilde giving it to me?"

"You said Wufei and Hilde were friends. This… confirms it." Quatre said darkly. "I was hoping you were reading too much into it. I've never seen them together… but I suppose it makes sense. They are both into sports… they probably hang around the same circle. She's never mentioned him at all. It's not impossible, but still hard to believe."

My mother watched our exchange, "What is going on?"

"Wufei is the guy I fought with." I know not much of an explanation. She looked concerned.

"It's going to be interesting going to school tomorrow," He commented.

"I'm suspended," I reminded him.

"I'm not. I'll let you know how the rumors are, but it's probably not bad." Quatre shrugged.

"Not bad?" I glared at him. Suicidal faggot exceeds bad. It felt weird to use that term since… I slept with him, but that's how others would see it. He didn't respond, but that didn't surprise me. He was staring at my mother. He was worried about her. I danced around the truth, "Hilde told Quatre and Wufei about my suicide attempt." I'm going to just neglect to mention anything regarding gay and sex. Especially gay sex. I haven't exactly had The Talkwith her so I have no idea where her thoughts were on me having sex could possibly lead and rather not find out. She is my mother… maybe not by birthright, but still. It was weird. And weird didn't cover her knowing about… me being raped. That was probably why she hadn't tortured me with The Talk. "Quatre is chill. However, there is little stopping Wufei from _screwing_ over my social life and get me beat up regularly until I graduate," I lowered my voice to a mutter, "If I survive that long…." Quatre was the only one that caught that last statement by the look on his face. He didn't like the reference.

"Beat up?" Mom asked.

Quatre interjected, "Kids are cruel." He gave me a funny look. Okay it did sound a little funny since I've neglected the most important part about what would get my ass kicked.

Thankfully Mom altered the subject, "So… you and Hilde aren't friends anymore?" I am not sure I like the way she said friends. It was full of doubt.

Hell the fuck no! I wanted to scream, but instead I just said, "No." Her attitude had me asking, "What did Hilde tell you?" I am going to kill Hilde if she said anything too personal to my mother. That would be going way too far.

"It's the way she talks about you. It made me think you two were a little more than friends." At least Hilde had some decency.

Quatre said nervously, "I'm sure you two have a lot to discuss. If you need me for anything… and I do mean anything! Call me. Even if it's four in the morning or I'm at school. Call." He dug in his pocket and threw a cell phone at me. I caught it. "My number is programmed in there. Hilde's in there too." I have him a nasty look. Why don't I have Wufei's too. Wouldn't that be a nice three way conversation? He sighed, "I don't like what she's doing either, but don't delete it just yet."

That was surprised me. "Didn't you lose your-." Holy crap I was about to say boyfriend… in front of my mother. That would've been smooth. The rest of the question came out weak. "Because of her?"

At least he understood what I was trying to say. His voice was strained, "I realize blaming her isn't entirely fair and you shouldn't have my prejudice of her be a basis for your decision to keep her as a friend or whatever." Was he really suggesting for me to be more than a friend with her?


	24. Don't Judge Me

Darkness Within  
Chapter 25 Day 6

…..

So, there I was facing my mother. I still didn't believe I'd gotten away with anything. We were alone. She was looking at me curiously. I pleaded, "What's on your mind? Please tell me. It's going to drive me insane. Hilde's been spreading all kinds of crap about me that's far too personal. Some of it you really shouldn't hear and some it I just… don't want to deal with right now and I'm not sure you really want to see me go through it when I do." That was the most I've ever said to her at one time and the most honest. Not that I've ever lied to her. I've rarely said anything deep. "You're my mother!"

She had an interesting expression on her face. "What are you talking about?" I've said too much. I have to explain something. What can I say without completely damning myself? There is no way. I'd have to tell something damning or nothing. She said softly, "There is nothing you can't tell me. I want to help you."

Ha. Okay… let's try this. "Mom," my voice was weak. I bit my lip. "Hilde thinks I'm gay."

It was very clear by her expression that Hilde never mentioned this. Her eyebrows knitted together, "She told me Quatre was gay."

A short burst of laughter escaped from me. Okay. That's what it was. "So she introduced me to Quatre to try to help me cope with being gay. She has no idea, Mom." Great, the water works. My lip was trembling. Don't want to go there. I feel so guilty.

"So, Quatre is gay." It was a statement. I nodded. "And you're okay with it?"

I couldn't find my voice for a moment. I nodded, "Please… let me finish. I need to tell you this." She nodded. "You know better than anyone… I don't talk about," I licked my lips. My throat felt dry, "About being raped. Quatre was harassing me…. When I denied being gay he said maybe I was bi. I felt cornered. I blurted I was raped." Through the sobs I laughed. It sounds silly now. "The next morning is when I…." My voice was going to crack. Instead of saying so I lifted my arms. I took a deep breath. It took a couple minutes to find my voice again. "Before it was like a nightmare I couldn't escape. Admitting it made it more real. Too real. It hurt so much. I wanted to stop the pain. I am so sorry."

She got up. Suddenly her arms were around me and crushing me to her. "Duo."

"You wanted me to open up. You promised soon as I did that I'd feel better." I said into her hair. She put her hands on my face and looked into my eyes searchingly. "You're right." She blinked. "It got worse and I'm so sorry for that. But… it's getting better. It's not over, but it is better." She sighed and nodded. She didn't look like she believed me. I couldn't look at her. That's what I meant. This is not something she should have to deal with. It's my problem. Only I can figure it out. There wasn't anything she could do. This was my personal hell… and only I…. The tears kept coming. Deep breaths. I can do this. "I told Quatre… about what happened. He's helping me, Mom. Please… don't judge him." Or me. I couldn't bring myself to say it.

"Duo… I don't judge him. It's his choice." She frowned, "I'm just worried about you. Doesn't that make you a bit uncomfortable?"

"At first," I admitted. "It's not a choice, Mom. Come on, do you really think he chooses to be gay? He can't help who he's attracted to."

"What if he were attracted to you?" She asked.

There was a knock at the door. We both turned to it. I looked at her she nodded. I opened the door. It was Hilde again. I tried to slam the door in her face. She stopped it. "What do you want?"

"Quatre dropped something," She said. She was scrutinizing me. I'm pretty sure she could tell I've been crying.

"Okay, hand it over," And get out of my face.

"Maybe I should give it to your mother." She said hesitantly. My mom stepped up behind me. Hilde handed her something small. My mother stiffened. I felt cold. It was my pocket knife.

Quickly I blurted, "I'm going to be outside." I glared at Hilde, "We need to talk." And I shoved her out the door and to the end of the yard. She opened her mouth. I glared at her, "When I said we need to talk, I mean me. I talk. You listen." She looked at me shocked. "How many people are you going to tell? I'm barely holding ground as it is. You told my mom about Quatre! Sexuality is a personal thing! You don't go around telling people you're straight do you?" She looked frightened. I backed away and turned away from her.

"I'm just trying to help," She said.

"How does telling the world I'm gay help me?" I sighed. Calm. Control. I really wanted to hit her. It goes against every moral fiber in me… but I desperately wanted to hit her. "You don't know what's going on! You can't even keep a secret so I can't tell you."

"Quatre is the only one I suggested that to," She laughed, "People assume it. You're friends with Quatre. No matter what you are people are going to assume you're his new boyfriend. I have nothing to do with that. You went to the park with him. Alone. People saw. I had no control over that. And I can keep a secret. You'd be amazed at what secrets I've kept." She waved her hands frantically as she talked. "Quatre's out. He doesn't mind."

"He does," I remember the look on his face when she introduced him as her gay friend. "You told Wufei about my suicide! Wufei! He's friends with Brent."

"Wufei is walking on crutches because of Brent." She gave me a pointed look. That was something I didn't know. "Wufei won't give you away and certainly not to Brent. Some secrets need to be told. Like your cutting. You need help."

"I told you. I have help. My mother. Quatre. I don't need you or Wufei." I said icily.

"How long has your mother known you've been a cutter?" She didn't wait for an answer, "You need more help. And I brought Wufei into it because… I wasn't sure you would be friends with Quatre. I suggested you were gay… you talked with Quatre… next I'm getting a call from your mom that said…. I thought it was my fault!" A tear fell down her cheek. "So, I changed the game plan. I didn't tell Wufei you were gay. He already suspects, but that had nothing to do with me. Brent saw you at the park. Where ever Brent goes… Wufei isn't too far behind. Brent thought you and Quatre were sneaking off much like Quatre would do with Trowa." She put a fist up to her lips. She sighed. It sounded wet and sad. This surprised me.

It took me a couple minutes to fully grasp what she was saying. The weird part is I believe her, "Why is Wufei stalking Brent?"

"He's looking out for Quatre. I'm not entirely sure why. You're fate is sealed with Quatre as far as Brent is concerned, so… I merely suggested maybe you were worth looking out for too. Now that Trowa's out of the picture-."

I interrupted, "And what happened to Trowa?"

"What do y- ah." She cleared her throat, "Trowa suspected Quatre was cheating on him. For a while… long before any of us knew you. Trust issues? I really don't know. I wasn't thinking… I didn't realize how bad it was…. I saw Quatre at your place… he didn't leave. I… mentioned it to Trowa. Well, you know the rest."

Holy shit. Trowa thought Quatre was with me… and now that I have been…. I winced. "Fuck." The curse came out of my mouth in a short burst.

She gave me a startled look. It was replaced by a smirk, "Something happened between you two?" I bit my lip. This doesn't make me trust her, but… I felt compelled to give her something. Besides most people are going to suspect it anyway. I nodded. That smirk turned into a grin. "I knew it!"

"You tell no one! Not Wufei and don't tell Quatre you know." I gave her a nasty look.

She nodded, "Don't sweat it. It's nice to finally have something on him. He's always been button lipped about everything." She paused for a moment and looked thoughtful, "So… deets?"I gave her a horrified look. She laughed, "How far did it go?" I shook my head. I was not telling her anything. Confessing something happened is all she's getting. "Wow. So… you're with Quatre now?"

"It's… complicated."

She sighed, "What was it? A little awkward kiss and you haven't spoken about it?" If she asked that sooner the answer would've been yes. "It's nothing to be ashamed about." She gawked, "It's more than a kiss."

"You're fishing," I smirked. Nice try. My lips are sealed. She looked sad. That's not going to get me to cave either.


	25. Innocent Enough

Darkness Within  
Chapter 26 Day 6

…..

The sun just started to set. It's been a very long and emotional day. I broke into Mom's car. It didn't take much. She had an older vehicle. They are easier to get into. It's one of those things I picked up on the streets. I've done it several dozen times through my life, but caught only twice. They never pressed charges. I probably could've walked inside and taken Mom's keys, but I really didn't want to face her right now.

My journal had slid under the front seat. Crap I needed something to write with. There is a pen in here somewhere. It took some digging, but I finally found one. It had gum… or something with a similar consistency on it. I used it anyway.

Slowly the page filled up. Mostly about Wufei, though I don't use his name. Instead I wrote the name Dragon. For starters it's anonymous. Would the shrink read it? Dragons could be good or bad. Maybe even neutral. It worked. I know what Hilde said, but he's still suspicious. In the journal I described every moment I've spent with him with a few snarky comments. Then I added what Hilde said neglecting to mention her specifically. Thick with sarcasm. Pretty soon it was four pages in my chicken scratch. All about Wufei-er Dragon. In closing I put a question about if he was trying to help why did he grab my arms?

A memory flashed. It was surprisingly of Quatre accidently grabbing my arms and holding me. It was so vivid I could almost feel his skin against mine. My body reacted unexpectedly. The way the fabric of my- er…. I realize once again I'm wearing Quatre's boxers. Okay, that just made matters worse. I bit my lip. I looked around sheepishly as if anyone would know my predicament. A little silly. This was such a strange place… and a bit risqué. Anyone could stumble on me. Oh, man. My mind flashed several different moments of being with Quatre. The notebook and pen dropped to the floor. A hand found its way down my pants. A bit cramped. I shifted in the seat. It helped, but- damn. Looking around again I risked undoing them part way. Much better. I closed my eyes and rode the pleasure.

To my horror I heard one of the back doors of the car open. That's a little strange because I only broke into one lock. I heard Hilde's voice, "Duo?"Oh crap.

Suddenly I sprang up hitting my head on ceiling. Ow. I held my head and whipped around. No one there. I blinked. I looked around. It was completely dark out. And to my relief no Hilde. Was I dreaming? Must've been. That or insane. Either is a good possibility.

My hand was a bit sticky and so was… I need a shower. Grabbed the notebook, I got out of the car and went inside. My mother was dozing off on the couch so it was easy to sneak into the bathroom. I abandoned the book on toilet lid. The pen fell and rolled who knows where. I stripped and stopped in front of the shower. The last time I'd been in here…. A shiver ran down my spine when I recognized the blade that on the shower floor. The one that should be associated with my suicide. What? My mother just _left_ it there?! I know. My fault. I started it. My arms stung as if they were freshly cut. I closed my eyes. My imagination. My hand was shaking when I reached out for the knife. I picked it up. I felt cold.

When I got in the shower I had it blast hot until my skin took on a pink color. Desperate as I tried… I couldn't get the memory out of head of the last time I was in here. Three days ago I was slicing at my arms in this very spot. I remember it vividly. It was freeing to not give a shit about how much it showed or how deep it went. I'm not entirely sure how the habit even started. It's not like I woke up one day and decided to be a cutter. It wasn't a conscious thought at all. It wasn't cuts at first. That's why it's really hard to pin down exactly when it started. Then it was just one cut. Deniability was my best friend.

Well… over time it was more than one. It's like it wasn't enough. Like no matter how far I went to hurt myself… it wouldn't make the pain go away. I still do it. Like a drug or something. I can't stop. Even now. Even going as far as trying to kill myself with the habit. Even after what I've been through these three days… I still am looking down at the hideous pattern of stitches… using that knife so damned tempting.

I hesitated… not out of guilt. No matter how guilt weighed on my chest… I had to. She can't know. It would be too obvious to go for the arms now. So instead I guided the blade to my thigh and slit across. I dropped the knife. It was just a thin line. Nothing deep. Innocent enough.

The blade hit the tile again. The guilt burned in my chest, but it was mild compared to the euphoric sensation it gave me to cut again. I'm so fucked up. When I told my mom that it wasn't over even I didn't quite understand just how not over it was.


	26. Thought I had That Buried

Darkness Within  
Chapter 27 Day 7

….

There was a lot of shaking. "Go away," I mumbled into my pillow. More shaking. Come on! Slowly I turned my head. It was Mom. I glared at her. "What time is it?"

She said, "Time to see the psychologist." I groaned. She shook me again. "Get up! You've been suspended. You're not on vacation."

Arg. So, I got up and hunted for some clothes. All black. It wasn't planned. It was the first things that I found. Naturally I went with long sleeves. Though, she might've told the shrink about that. I vaguely recall anything at the first session except the name Kingsley. It's too early to talk to a shrink. The notebook was remembered. He never specified if I should take the notebook or not to each session, but it went with me anyway.

Mother stopped to get coffee and a doughnut. She ordered the same for me. Giving me sweets and caffeine isn't going to make me feel any warmer about spilling my guts to a damn psychiatrist. Besides, it was too early for food. Though, I did sip on the coffee. Maybe I'll be coherent.

She made an excuse and left me alone with the guy. Suddenly it was a little more intimidating. The chair seemed bigger. He gestured that I sit. I sank into the chair. He asked me, "Tired this morning?"

"It's a little earlier than I'm used to." I stared at the lid of the coffee. "So, how does this work exactly?"

"Let's start with why you're here," He said cheerfully.

Instead of saying the first thing that came to my head, which was a smart remark about my mom making me, I confessed, "I tried to kill myself."

He didn't have a reaction. Either he was told ahead of time or he was used to that kind of confession. Neither would surprise me. Calmly he asked, "Why did you do that?"

"Like sucks," I smirked.

"It's hard being a teenager," He nodded. "So much is changing, getting more responsibilities, trying to find your place in life…." He trailed off.

When he was a teenager it was different. He couldn't possibly relate. This was annoying. Why did mom leave me here? I thought she was going to actually sit in. Was this Mr. Kingsley's idea? "Mom happen to mention how often I'm coming here?"

"I have a time slotted for you every day this week." Crap. That's what I was afraid of.

What if I sped this up, "Okay… skinny of it is, I've been raped. I'm a cutter. I tried to kill myself. And everyone on the planet seems to think I'm gay."

He blinked, "Wow."

"Yeah, heavy shit. I've already started to open up about some of this. I've went as far to experiment sexually with a couple of friends." I shrugged.

"Let's rewind a little bit." Oh, no he's a slow one. "You were raped?"

"By a priest I loved and trusted. It wasn't like he suddenly grabbed me and took me in a confessional or anything. It would've probably been easier if it happened like that." I marveled.

"What makes you say that?"

"It was slow… and I think it's messed me up a bit." I anticipated the next question so I elaborated a quietly, "People think I'm gay… and now I'm starting to wonder." I couldn't look at him when I said that.

"What makes you think you're gay?" He asked.

"I… have been remembering things…." Oh God. The tears aren't far. I took a deep breath. This I couldn't rush. I had to slowly ease into this or I'm just going to turn into a blubbering fool. "People have this picture painted… like the priest is some horrible predator. It wasn't like that. He cared about me. He was gentle. Even with sex…." I swallowed hard. Kingsley slid a box of tissues across his desk so they were within my reach. Instead I said weakly, "I think I'm going to be sick." He reached under his desk and brought up a metal trash can. I took it. I threw up a little in my mouth. Quickly, I sat down in the chair with the can on my lap. My hair gathered in one hand at the base of my neck. I spit in the can. Something about the combination of the taste and the sound had me retching. I heard Kingsley get up. He took my hair in his hands. Thankfully I only had coffee so… it wasn't as bad as it could've been. Somewhere between retches I ended up sitting on the floor propping myself up with my hands. The can, naturally, was located conveniently as so I don't make a bigger mess of things than I already had.

The door opened and my mother demanded, "What's wrong?"

"Nerves," I stated honestly. The retching stopped but my stomach sure churned.

"We're making progress," Kingsley said. I could almost hear the smile in his tone.

"How is this progress?" Another demand from Mother.

"Mom, it's just nerves." God, this was embarrassing. "I'm opening up… just like you wanted me to." I shifted and leaned against the chair. Mom kneeled down and looked at me. "You might want to back up. I might…." I still felt nauseous. Continuing where I left off I went on. "The way he… touched me, I kinda enjoyed it." Yup there it is. I pushed at my mother. She wouldn't budge. Too late. I leaned over her and threw up a small bit into the can. She backed away and looked a little green herself. For some reason I felt compelled to tell him, "She knows I was raped." I sat back again. I think I was finished, but just in case I didn't move anything. My therapist let go of my hair. He stepped backwards from me. He was silent. Figures. "They found a home for me so it stopped for a while. When things got bad…." When I went through a glass coffee table, "I found myself running back to him. I begged him not to go to the hospital. He stitched me up. I stayed with him for a while. There was one time… then that was it. After we just… talked. The nun discovered me there. It was like just being there at his private home was all the proof she needed. She snapped. She dragged me away. She told. She told anyone that would listen…." The tears were streaming down my face. A lump prevented me from saying more, but there wasn't much more. Mother knew the rest.

She believed the nun. She didn't doubt it like others did. The Church has a problem believing one of their own could sin. My mother had to know two things about the rape. Was there protection? And how bad he hurt me? Neither of those mattered that much… she still had me checked out. At eleven I had gonorrhea and no idea what that meant. The doctor explained I had a sexually transmitted disease. Mom was in tears when they told her. I was shocked and mortified beyond reason. They cured it. It just seemed surreal. I didn't feel sick. Oh God, I thought I had that buried….


	27. Stalking the Stalker

Darkness Within  
Chapter 28

a/n: This chapter is a bit longer than the rest... I hope that somewhat makes up for the delay. Currently working on 29.... Reviews are very encouraging…. Just a moment of your time to tell me what you think. What's on your mind? I do accept anonymous reviews and private messages. The point is to improve as a writer.  
....

"You hungry?" Mother asked. Not particularly. It's been a few hours, so I probably should have lunch. I know. After the shrink we had to stop at her work so she could drop something off. I waited in the car. She needed to stop at the bank. I waited in the car. She decided she needed a cell phone. I waited in the car. There is a pattern forming I really didn't want to break. I've been content to stay in the car, but she nearly dragged me out of it to Kasey's, the restaurant near the school. So, I went into Kasey's reluctantly. She wanted to sit down rather than to take it home. So, I humored her. We haven't talked about anything, but that's no surprise. She ordered ice teas for both of us. She ordered a salad for herself and a burger for me. Like I said, I'm not hungry. I merely picked at the fries. She kept looking at me. She had something on her mind. She has a vague scowl every time she's deep in thought. I decided to excuse myself before she decided to say whatever it could be on her mind. I just wanted to forget about the shrink for a while and be normal for once. That has to be the only thing that could be on her mind. It's been a… revealing session.

Soon as I got up I slammed into someone. Of course I stepped back an apologized… but wish I hadn't when I realized it was Wufei. He didn't have the crutches this time. It took a second, but I saw the recognition register on his face. Crap. My life is fulfilled now. He's the last person I wanted to run into. "Duo," He dragged my name out almost like it was a question that he wasn't sure the answer to. "Are you okay?"

"Peachy," I responded. I probably looked like hell. I haven't exactly looked in a mirror lately. It would be even more entertaining if I smelled like barf. "What are you doing here?" I demanded.

He looked amused. "Brent will be here soon." He turned to my mother and did a slight bow of his head, "Wufei Chang." Her eyes narrowed at his name. "I'm a classmate of Duo's." She didn't respond. Of course she probably could've guessed that. He waited a couple moments, but then turned back to me. That's when I noticed the book in his hand titled _Understanding the Mind of a Stalker_. Wouldn't he have to look no farther than his own head to figure it out? He commented, "I didn't expect to see you here." He looked thoughtful for a moment, "Would you mind if I sat with you? Or is this strictly time with… your sister?" He flashed a smile at my mother. Ha! My mother didn't believe him for a second either by the annoyed expression she held.

"Sure." I said casually. So he hobbled to the chair. Where were his crutches? He put the book on the table.

He must've noticed I was looking at it. As if I asked a question about the book he explained, "Trying to understand Brent. Maybe I could stop him before it gets ugly."

"Still convinced Brent is the stalker?" I asked accusingly.

He snorted, "You were at Quatre's recently." Hilde told him that. So him knowing that wasn't a surprise. "Did you notice a red Camery?"

"No…." Oh, crap… were they there? Panic started to settle in.

Wufei raised an eyebrow, "You saw it?" He misread me. Probably one of the few times I'm glad.

"So, you're absolutely serious? Brent is stalking Quatre? Everywhere?"

"Within reason. He is just one person and a creature of his own habits. So, it's more of a hobby." He shrugged. Before I could asked he told me what that meant, "He didn't camp out all night in his car. He's a bit of an amateur according to everything I've read. Of course, with a little patience and some time…." He shrugged.

"Can Brent get on the property?" I asked.

"He hasn't tried, but I doubt he could penetrate Quatre's security." He said Quatre's name much like how he said mine, like it were a question.

Even more relieved I asked, "So, he just sits in his car and stares at Quatre's house?"

"Sometimes he approaches it, but keeps a relative distance from it. It's rather boring if you ask me. When he started following Quatre beyond school grounds I thought it would be more interesting." Wufei shrugged.

"Interesting how?" I asked. "It's creepy. And I'm not sure what is creeper… Brent stalking Quatre… or you stalking Brent while he's stalking Quatre." Wufei laughed. I frowned, "Does Brent know this?"

"I'd imagine so." Wufei shrugged. There is the vagueness again.

"Do you use binoculars and cameras?" I asked. It's a rather strange mental image. Him with binocs and staring at Brent staring at Quatre's house.

"I'm not obsessed with Brent," He looked annoyed. It's a legitimate question. I found out he's a stalker too. "Just watching out for Quatre and you. Brent has been in your neighborhood too. So far has only come into it as a result of Quatre… but he lingers around after Quatre is gone. You don't have high security like your rich friend, so I'm a little more concerned about you than Quatre at this point." Wufei shrugged, "Maybe you should keep staying with Quatre. You'd be safer." I snuck a look at my mother. She was eating her salad in what appeared to be complete ignorance. Wufei frowned, "Something wrong?" I wasn't sure how to answer that. We're talking about stalking and me staying with Quatre. I'm not even sure that's an option anymore. I'm half expecting my mom to say something. Wufei sighed, "Do you think Quatre would allow me in the gates as well? It would be a lot easier and… probably less creepy if I could visit once in a while. Besides it would really piss Brent off if he saw me go through those gates."

"I don't know…." Probably not.

"Stupid idea," He chuckled. "Is he aware of Brent stalking him and how far? Maybe it's best if I spoke with him? This needs to stop."

In a swift move I slid the cell phone across to him, "His number is in it."

Wufei looked at it astonished. It's just a cell phone. He ask, "The time right on it?"

Hell if I know. I looked to my mother. She held out her arm which conveniently had a watch on it, which proved she was listening. I shrugged, "School's out."

Wufei picked it up and soon had it to his ear. Suddenly he said, "Whoa, Quatre. It's Wufei." He looked amused. He shook his head. "If you shut up a moment I'll explain. Everything is okay. I'll let you speak with him to prove it in a minute. I need a favor-." He frowned, "Yes, I realize that. I wouldn't be asking if-." He chuckled. "You make it sound like his nagging girlfriend. He's fine. It was a misunderstanding." He groaned. He handed the phone to me. "He doesn't believe. I'm starting to wonder if you told anyone that I wasn't the one that started the fight."

I took it, "Quatre?"

He sounded distant, "How are you doing? Really?"

"I'm fine."

"You're okay with Wufei being there with you? Why is he there with you?" Concerned?

"I ran into him. We're at Kasey's." I shrugged at Wufei's puzzled look.

"You didn't seem fine after the fight… I'm just making sure." Ah. That's why he was worried about me. I nearly forgot about that. I really wish I hadn't been reminded.

"Okay, just… hear him out." I didn't bother saying anything more I handed the phone back to Wufei.

Wufei took it back, "Satisfied?" He got up and limped outside. I watched him through the glass. First he was laughing, but then he grew serious.

A hand touched me. I turned. My mother was looking at me curiously, "Was it a misunderstanding?"

In a loose sense, I suppose. I simply nodded. "I started it, Mom."

"Oh? And… that limp?" She looked concerned.

I shook my head, "He had that before…." I gave a sheepish smile.

Soon enough Wufei was back. He sat down and looked at me strangely. Crap. What does he know he shouldn't? He shook his head and said, "I'm sorry."

"For… what?" I shouldn't ask. I don't want to know.

"The fight, I didn't intend to hurt you." Oh good, that's all. I waved my hand in air. Drop it. Just drop it.

"So… what did you talk to Quatre about?" I asked.

He didn't answer. Instead he turned to my mother, "It might be asking a lot, but would you mind if Duo spends the evening with Quatre and I? We're just going to be at Quatre's place. Have you been there?" He didn't wait for her to answer, "Maybe you should come? Quatre's father will be there. Ariel, Quatre's sister is going to drop by with her kids." Wait a minute… Wufei could barely remember Quatre's name much less his sister's. What is going on?

I was curious. So, I chimed right in, "Ariel is cool. She was there when I stayed over there."

Mother said simply, "I have to talk with the principal about your behavior at school."

Wufei and I exchanged glances. He spoke up, "Quatre is coming to pick me up and Duo could tag along. It won't be fun. I've got a lot of explaining to do to Quatre. He doesn't like the fact… Duo and I got in a fight. It was just a misunderstanding. All I did was mention his girlfriend asked me to watch out for him and he was flying at me. I'm a cripple!" He grinned.

"What happened to your leg?" I asked. I've been wanting to for a while.

He shrugged, "Sports accident." He grinned proudly, "I'm on the water polo team."

"How do you hurt your leg swimming around in water?" I asked.

He gave me a glare, but replaced it quickly with a grin, "We do get out of the water." There was something he wasn't saying, but I held my tongue… for now. My mother frowned. Could she tell he wasn't telling the whole story? He went on, "You've heard about the… bully problem. Not to mention studying for a test. Mr. Winner takes Quatre's schooling very serious. It's a condition that I'm allowed over."

She sighed, "Only if I could have a minute to speak with Quatre." Whoa. She's actually going to let me? This is unreal. I knew she let a lot of things slide… but this?

Wufei beamed, "Of course."


	28. Spin the Bottle

Darkness Within  
Chapter 29 Day 7  
….

The three of us were gathered together on a patio set near Quatre's pool with books open and notebooks handy. Quatre had a pencil tucked behind his ear. Wufei was making his pencil rock back and forth between two fingers. And I was sitting with my arms crossed. At a distance we looked like a regular study group, but we weren't studying.

It was clear from the moment Quatre picked us up at Kasey's to presently that he was not thrilled with having Wufei over. "Camry is a fairly common car."

"Not this one," Wufei countered. "It has an engine closer to a Nisson-." He rolled his eyes. "Okay, yes. Visually speaking the only difference is it has custom rims and _lowered_." He groaned the last word. "You might or might not see neon lights." He rolled his eyes again. Then he offered, "Do you want his license plate number?"

"That might be helpful," Quatre said thoughtfully.

Wufei wrote it down on his notebook, ripped the page out and handed it to Quatre. "He might just be out there now. How long should this studying last? It would be interesting to see his reaction to me inside the gate."

"I wouldn't advise that," Quatre frowned. "Let's not provoke him yet. Right now he's simply stalking."

"And shoving you in the locker and girl's bathroom," Wufei reminded him. "That would classify as assault, would it? How far are you going to let it escalate before you do something about it? First he was following you around school grounds, but he's extended that to off grounds and terrorizing Duo too!"

Quatre rubbed the back of his neck. There was silence for a long time. "Okay… what do you want me to do? I could try to get a restraining order maybe…."

The door slid open and it was Ariel. She walked over to us and peered over Quatre's shoulder at his book and lifted it. "Geometry." Then she made her way to the book near me. "Literature." And then she stopped and peered at Wufei's book carefully, "Health?" She asked, "You mind?" Wufei gestured to the book absently. Ariel giggled, "The female anatomy?"

"What?" Quatre asked.

"Need some help?" She asked.

Quatre narrowed his eyes at her, "We've got it."

"I think I could help." She insisted with a grin.

"That's not necessary."

"You took it what last year?" She put her hands on her hips.

"Freshman year," Quatre corrected.

"And I recall you needed my help with the female portion of the sexual education." When she said that I couldn't help but laugh. I wisely covered my mouth when Quatre shot a glare at me. Wufei was having the same difficulty from the looks of it. "Need a refresher course?" She asked. Wufei and I both lost ourselves into laughter.

"Ariel! What the hell do you want?" Quatre demanded. She looked smug. She didn't answer. He groaned, "You caught us. We aren't studying. Now shoo." He made a motion with his hands.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Smoking pot." He waved again.

"You're a horrible liar." She gave him a look.

"Underage drinking? Spin the bottle?" The last one sobered my laughter. "I don't care what you believe. Go away!"

"You're not even going to introduce me to your new friend?" She protested as she set the book back down.

Quatre said in a rush, "Wufei, Ariel. Ariel, Wufei." He got up and started to push his sister back inside the house. She was laughing all the way inside. He didn't come back to join us until she was gone.

"Pot?" Wufei asked. "Wow."

"She has this strange idea I am responsible." Quatre mocked a puzzled look. He turned the page of the book and it was the male anatomy. He slammed the book shut. "I think we're done with Health."

Wufei chuckled, "Would've thought that studying two year old books, smoking pot, and drinking could lead to spin the bottle. Whose turn is it next?"

"Yours." Quatre smirked. He looked around. Sure enough he found an empty soda bottle on the pool fence. He put it on the table.

Wufei joked, "I think I'm too drunk to be a good kisser."

"And high," I added.

"No, I don't do that." Wufei got seriously suddenly, "Aren't you supposed to turn in the books at the end of the school year?"

"That or pay for them," Quatre shrugged.

"You paid for the Health book?" I asked in disbelief. "You couldn't pay me to keep it."

Wufei laughed, "Bad experience in Health?"

"Who hasn't had a bad experience in Health?" Quatre countered. "Or the school's version of sexual education in general. I am glad it's over. They introduce it for seven or eight years! Half or more of those years no one is mature enough to handle it." Then he frowned and looked at me. He said nothing for me to understand what his lines of thoughts were. He cleared his throat, "So… we were discussing Brent."

"I have a better idea than a restraining order," Wufei announced. "Restraining order might provoke him more and there is still danger. Stalking is about control. He's in control right now. What if we shift that control?"

"How could we gain control?"

"He's following you around or going to where he thinks you're going to be. That is his control. Some stalkers start leaving notes, gifts, try to break in…. any number of things. Has he left you anything?"

"No." Quatre frowned.

"We have a control he doesn't realize. He's expecting you to be at certain places and times. You have habits. He knows them. You could change them… miss school and see what he does. Don't go straight home or to Duo's. You can rock his world a little and start stalking him." Wufei suggested.

"Wouldn't that just encourage him more?" I asked.

"Hold on. Hear me out." Wufei went on. "The problem with this would be Quatre is a creature of habit. He has school. His father has insane expectations of him and he doesn't want to disappoint. He's too predictable for it to be effective. It would be easiest to shift Brent's attention to you since he's already on to you. However, Quatre would agree that's not best for you."

"Damn right," Quatre glared.

"How about we make Brent stalk me?" Wufei suggested.

"Let's do that," Quatre immediately agreed.

"You don't want to hear why?" He seemed astonished.

"No. I love the idea."

"There's a catch though," Wufei looked a bit nervous. "And I need some help with this." Quatre gestured to continue. "The best way to get Brent's wrath is to get him to think I'm gay."

"You're not gay." Quatre snorted.

"It would take some convincing…." Wufei shrugged.

"So… you're asking to what? Me fake being your boyfriend?" Quatre asked with a scowl.

"No. You're already stalked too closely. If I dated you he'd still stalk you and we wouldn't gain control in this game. It would be for nothing. I'd like you as an adviser...." He trailed off and shifted uneasily.

"Normally I'd say no, but I think I know just the thing for you," The look Quatre had was suspicious. "Maybe Ariel can help after all."

Wufei shifted again, "Thanks…"

"But you still need a boyfriend to pull it off." Quatre commented.

"How about a crush?" Wufei asked. "I was going to imply Duo." He looked directly at me and held up his hands, "You are going to reject me." Gladly.

"Why not date?" Quatre amazingly suggested. I gawked at him. He didn't even look at me.


	29. Best Mistake

Darkness Within  
Chapter 30 Day 7

…..

We found ourselves in a bedroom close to Quatre's. He said it was Ariel's old room. It looked like little girls room. Pink, frills and dolls. The dolls were staring at me no matter where I was in the room. It was an ironic setting for what Quatre had in mind, that's for sure…. So many eyes on us.

When Ariel threatened to use glitter I knew instantly why Quatre recruited her to gay up Wufei. It was clear Quatre still didn't like Wufei. He freed himself from her clutches and didn't trust her with the task. So, he was standing there threatening her with a comb as if it were a knife. Quatre was chuckling. He hasn't looked at me since suggesting I date Wufei and thankfully Wufei didn't agree. He didn't disagree with the suggestion, but he didn't agree and that was what I'm banking on.

Quatre intervened, "Okay, enough Ariel." He spoke to Wufei, "How gay are we talking?" It was amazing Quatre was the one that suggested the arrangement. Why? Of course I wasn't under any assumption after sleeping with him about where we stood. But I didn't think I'd be written off either. Discussing it was stupid. I just figured over time things would become clearer.

"Nothing too crazy." He looked very uncomfortable. "I'm not wearing your clothes."

Quatre nodded. "Of course. We'll get you your own style." He grinned. "We are going to start with a facial."

"A facial?" Wufei questioned, "Is that really necessary?"

"Of course. And a manicure and pedicure. You don't have to be gay for these things. Don't worry it doesn't include nail polish unless you want to go there." Quatre chuckled. "Stereotypically speaking, part of being gay is looking like you take care of yourself. The details are important." He grabbed one of Wufei's hands and examined them. "You don't bite your nails. That's good. You have a funny clipper job."

"Water polo," Wufei explained. "We are supposed to clip our nails." He took his hand away quickly.

"You are in a lot of chlorine." Quatre grabbed Wufei's ponytail. He nodded, "Yup… a lot of chlorine."

"I'm keeping my hair," Wufei glared and grabbed his hair away.

"Oh! I wouldn't think of having that cut," Quatre gave a wicked grin. "You can even keep it in the ponytail."

Wufei looked relieved, but with Quatre's tone I don't think it would be wise to relax his guard. He chuckled, "What about Duo?" I looked up to him. What about me?

"What about Duo?" There was strain in Quatre's voice.

"Shouldn't he be made up too?"

"He could be subtly." Ariel answered. Crap. What did she have in mind? "I was thinking he already looks… what is that style? You know what I'm talking about, bro?" He didn't look at me. He just shrugged. She frowned, "I'm thinking a little make up and he'd be perfect."

"Pardon?" I asked.

"Black eyeliner. Or maybe just line with dark eye shadow… it would give him the look I'm thinking about. Let his hair down and straighten it just a little bit… I'm guessing he doesn't want it cut."

"Eyeliner?" I echoed.

"You wear dark clothes and those goofy arm things…. Eyeliner and hair down. If you want we could color it darker. A little dark lipstick would intensify you."

"Lipstick?" My voice came out in a squeak. "I'm not a girl."

"No! Of course not. You've seen it. Emo! That's it."

Wufei laughed, "I can see that."

I shot at him, "If she's thinking about lipstick on me… what do you think she's going to do to you?"

She deflated my threat, "He wouldn't need that. He's going for metro."

"Metro," He nodded his approval.

"Why do I get makeup?" I protested.

"You don't have to." Ariel shook her head, "It's just a suggestion. You already look gay. You don't need to work it. Wufei needs help." Wufei beamed like that were a compliment. She grabbed Quatre's arm and said, "We need to talk. Be right back."

Wufei chuckled and echoed her, "You already look gay."

"You need help," I echoed back but not for the same reason she said it.

Ignoring me he asked. "You agree with this?"

"I never agreed to anything," I clarified.

"You were talking like you were going along with Quatre's idea." He said indignity. "I'm not anymore comfortable with this than you are. I don't want to fake a relationship. My idea is more in the realm of reality. You aren't gay, so you'd reject me." Wufei didn't stop talking when Quatre walked into the room, without his sister, "Make me look like a huge idiot in front of Brent or even the entire water polo team if you want. I'll pretend to go sulk somewhere. If giving you gay attention is too subtle then rejection in front of his friends will get a reaction. He preys on people's vulnerabilities."

"Duo is vulnerable already. You sure you want him in on your plan?" Quatre asked playing some weird mind trick because earlier he was all for it. Even as far as suggesting I date Wufei. What changed his mind? It's a weird shift.

"It's a risk, but I'm going to be the vulnerable one and I was Brent's former best friend. It's going to piss him off. Right now he just thinks I'm fucking with him." Wufei explained. "One of his own… gay? Impossible!"

"Are you gay?" Quatre asked.

"No," Wufei smirked.

Before I knew what I was saying I blurted, "He's bisexual."

Both Wufei and finally Quatre look at me. It was Quatre that asked, "How do you figure that?"

"How accurate is this story?" I asked. "Brent picks on gays. Wufei absolutely hates it because it could easily be him. Wufei turns a blind eye because it's mostly just Brent being an asshole about it. Name calling and maybe a shove. It's easy to pretend ignorance. Don't stir the waters. Then Brent picks on Quatre, a known homosexual, mercilessly. Wufei doesn't stop it. Quatre thinks Wufei should've interfered. That has put a rift between you two. But what is that has Wufei suddenly wanting to stop Brent?"

It was a long time of staring at Wufei's neutral expression. I was waiting for him to deny it. He sighed, "It was only once and I'm sorry." There was no farther comment after that. This was a habit of his. When he didn't want to answer a question or explain something… he'd ignore it as if it weren't spoken.

"Are you bi?" Quatre asked.

Another long moment of silence and finally Wufei answered, "Yes." The answer didn't surprise me. It was the fact he answered that did. "I swear my only motivation is to get Brent to stop harassing you two. It might be a little late… but late is better than never. I was telling Duo I'd rather him reject me publically than fake a relationship. It's too complicated. Now he knows I'm bisexual, so it's a bit awkward too." He turned to me, "When you reject me make it nasty."

"What if he doesn't reject you?"

Wufei frowned, "And you're talking crazy."

"Hello. Hi, yeah. I'm Duo. I'm in the room."

Quatre laughed, "Sorry, Duo."

I asked. "So, what changed Wufei?"

"What? Why I'm after Brent?" He stared at the floor. "Him coming after you."

"Do you have a crush on him?" Quatre asked bluntly. I was wondering just a little bit myself, but fear the answer.

"It's not like that," Wufei protested. "Hilde told me he recently commented suicide… I don't want him being the brunt of Brent's ignorance and stupidity. I'll take the fall that I should've ages ago. I told you… rejecting me would be the best plan. Duo saves face in the process."

"It's his call, but I think a relationship would work better." Quatre looked to me. Again he was shifting sides. What the hell?

I glared at him, "What is wrong with you?"

"I think it would be a good experience for you."

"A fake relationship?" I asked incredulously.

"It's better than a nonexistent one," He declared rather coldly. It stung a little bit. He looked away from me as he said it.

Wufei asked, "What are you talking about?"

"So, that's it?" I asked.

Quatre admitted softly, "It was a mistake."

"It was the best mistake I've ever made," I shot back. He flinched as if I struck him.


	30. Passed Out

Darkness Within  
Chapter 31 Day 7

a/n: I burned my right hand. My words per minute have severely gone down. I really wanted to drop this chapter back to back to the previous.

……

The first thing I realized was the fact I was staring at a ceiling. This wasn't confusing. The confusing part was Quatre leaning over me yelling at me, "Did you take any pills?! Duo! What did you take? I swear-."

"Stop yelling." I sat up. Wufei and Ariel were in the bathroom too. Both of them had severe expressions on their face. Wufei had a phone to his ear. He was pacing… well, I think he was intending to, but with that limp it looked rather funny. Realization slowly came to me. I flipped, "Oh my God, you really think…. No! I didn't! If you have my stomach pumped I'm killing all of you! I'll make it easier for you and stick my fingers down my throat and prove to you I didn't take _anything_!"

Ariel sat down next to me and said softly, "Calm down. Help us sort this out." Why should I? They wouldn't believe me! Quatre rolled up my sleeves. What the hell? My arms are fine! Ariel looked at my stitches in horror. That's nothing. You should see the marks on my legs. He didn't think to look there. Am I brilliant or what?

That's what I was doing here. Well, of course I had to take a leak, but I got to thinking while I was sitting there… Yes, _sitting_. I was feeling a little faint, but for the most part I ignored it. There was only one thought on my mind and that was the comfort of the blade across my skin.

I stood up too fast? I don't know. It was just like the shower. My hands wouldn't move properly. My vision went dark. But I know for a fact I didn't cut deep enough to faint from blood loss… I wonder… last time… was it really blood loss?

My head hurt. Absently I put my hand to the back of my head. I felt a lump, "I think I fell."

"You don't remember what happened?" Ariel asked. Unfortunately I do. It would be awesome to have amnesia. I wonder if there is a way to induce it….

Wufei suddenly asked, "When was the last time you ate?"

"At Kasey's. Those fries." I gave him a funny look. He was with me the entire time. He should know this.

He relayed what I said over the phone, but annoyingly mentioned it wasn't that many. He asked what I had for breakfast. I told him coffee. I decided to neglect telling him about throwing it up. He relayed what I said.

Ariel barked an order, "Get him something to eat!" Quatre got up and left.

"Who are you talking to?" I asked Wufei.

It was Ariel that answered, "A doctor. We weren't sure what happened to you. We were about to find something to get you up. Like those sticks the EMT have they have you sniff to get you up, but homemade." Glad I came to on my own.

Wufei asked, "Do you remember your name?"

"Duo Maxwell," I answered.

"Do you know where you are?"

"Quatre's bathroom floor," I repressed the urge to had 'duh' at the end. "Shit, you didn't call my mom did you?"

Wufei looked panicked. "We never called his mom!"

"Don't. It will just scare her."

Ariel shook her head, "She needs to know."

"You'll freak her out and for what? An overreaction. I'm fine. I just probably need something to eat." Thank them for offering me that excuse. I shrugged. It could be true. I don't know.

"Why haven't you eaten much?" Ariel asked concerned. She took one of my wrists. I was about to protest this outrageous violation of privacy when I realized all she was doing was trying to find my pulse. She laughed uneasily, "I was never good at finding it here. Sit still." She put her fingers under my jaw. I have no idea if it's an artery or what that is located there, but the pulse can be felt there. She held her fingers there for less than half a minute. She never commented, but I suppose she was satisfied.

"I forgot. There was a lot going on today," I shrugged. If she starts suggesting I have an eating disorder I'm so out of here.

She chuckled, "Quatre gets like that during midterms. I end up cooking for him and shoving the plate under his nose." I didn't comment. She didn't expect one thankfully. She then when examining the lump on my head. "It doesn't look serious… How's your vision?"

"Same as it was before," I shrug.

"Not feeling faint, dizzy, nauseous?" She asked.

"No to all three."

"Hungry?" Quatre came in with a sandwich on a plate and a bottle of that damned fruity water.

A little, I guess. It turned out to be a turkey sandwich. It had tomatoes on it. I wasn't fond of them, but I ate the sandwich with them on it anyway. It was weird having everyone stare at me eating. Maybe I should give them a better excuse for staring. I couldn't think of anything crazy at the moment. Why is it when I want to do something crazy I can't think of what to do? I suppose it only works when it's random. Next time I'm going to demand a simple glass of tap water. I wonder if that would ruffle his feathers. The flavor today was Strawberry Tangerine. It doesn't taste bad. It's just weird to have a flavor in water because it's too much. You can't gulp it down as well. I burped unexpectedly. It's also carbonated. Arg! It did not taste good as a burp. Ariel gave me a look. I muttered an excuse me. Everyone was still staring at me. "I'm fine."

Quatre didn't look convinced. Ariel looked like she was lost. Wufei's expression was still severe, but I couldn't begin to guess what he was thinking beyond whatever it was, it couldn't be good. He opened his mouth, but closed it.

Ariel asked for the phone. Wufei gave it to her. She of course called my mom and started telling her version of the events. Perfect. She walked out of the bathroom with the phone.

"How bad is this? I know he's suicidal, but really?" Wufei asked.

The blond leaned against the bathroom counter, "It wouldn't be coincidence." It was obviously part of a conversation about me I missed out on. I narrowed my eyes at Quatre. What the hell did he say?

"He fainted! Lack of food?" Wufei was defending me?

"He did something to himself. I know it." Quatre protested and then muttered, "I wish I knew what."

That stung. Mostly because it was true.... It shouldn't have caused me to faint. Lack of food was a weak excuse. There was a good minute or two of silence before Wufei asked, "I don't understand…."

"What is there to understand?" Quatre countered coldly.

"You two-." Wufei silenced himself. He looked very confused.

His blue eyes met mine. He looked pained. "It's complicated."

"Again I ask. How bad is it?"

"I don't know," Quatre answered. "Only Duo knows… and he doesn't talk about that."

I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat. "I'm right here. You can ask, you know."

Wufei sighed, "I just want to understand what the hell is going on. It was clear it was no big deal, but Quatre was freaking out. I don't know him well, but he doesn't seem like the type to freak unless there is a good reason to. So… there is something I'm missing." Quatre shrugged. Wufei glared, "You know something."

"I've already said too much." He stated.

"You haven't said anything! Just insinuate that you have slept with Duo and what you think. Not what Duo thinks. What you think." No fucking way! Quatre told him. Arg. Why should I be surprised? Everyone seems to be telling everyone else about things I've done.

"What does he think?" I asked.

Wufei gave me a funny look, but explained anyway, "That insisting somehow that has to do with the pills you never took. I don't follow his logic."

Quatre groaned, "I was wrong about the pills, but I know he did something."

"He's fine." Wufei defended me. "He has no new marks. If he downed sleeping pills he wouldn't have regained consciousness and he possibly sick." The image of me being found on the floor with vomit all over myself had me actually glad I didn't do that, but at least if that happened I wouldn't have to endure this crap. "How many times has he tried to kill himself?"

"Once that I know of." Quatre glared at me.

"No reason to believe he's going to try again."

"He's done it once! How can you be so sure he won't do it again? You don't have a reason to think that. And I'm not going to sit here and watch him do it!"

"You have no choice." Wufei scowled. "But, I don't think he's going to do it again."

"What makes you so sure?" Quatre asked with wild hand gestures.

"Because I was there once. I know that dark place he's at now." Whatever. It's interesting he's using that tactic. Hoping maybe I'd open up? Hoping it would help me?

"You couldn't possibly know what the hell he's going through. You don't even know why he's doing this!" And if Quatre tells I'm so out of here.

"It's the same dark place for everyone. It's five little words. I wish I were dead. It's not a cry for help. By that time… you feel beyond help." Well, shit. Wufei sounds like he knows what he's talking about. "It's a desire. It's the simple truth. There isn't anything complex, evil or crazy about it." He doesn't think I'm crazy?

Quatre cradled his head in his hands. "That means there is help?"

"Of course. I'm alive, aren't I?" He said it as if it weren't a big deal. He even had a slight smirk. However, his eyes told another story. Maybe there is something to what he's saying.


	31. Little Mermaid

Darkness Within  
Chapter 33 Day 8

…...

It took me a while to orient myself when I woke. There was light coming in through the huge windows. There were little eyes staring at me. She was very blond and looked like a miniature version of Ariel complete with an outfit that looked like a miniature version of the one I saw Ariel in the day I met her so there was no doubt who this could possibly be. "Hi." I said. I have no idea what to say to a four year old. She didn't say anything back and that wasn't very helpful. I sat up. There was no one else in the room. "Where's Quatre?" I asked. She didn't say anything. "How about your mom?" This was getting nowhere. Can she talk? Four year olds can talk, right? I haven't been around too many kids except when I was kid and that's just a vague and warped memory. "Do you know who Wufei is?" She nodded. Okay! We're getting somewhere! She understands me. "Do you know where he is?" Nothing. A fluke? "What's your name?" She giggled and ran out of the room. Okay?

Again I had managed to sleep in my clothes so I didn't have to bother with getting dressed. There was a pillow and blanket next to Quatre's bed that Quatre used. I knew this because he was the first to crash. When he did Wufei joked about writing things on his forehead. We never did though. I was the second to crash. I have no idea where Wufei slept or even if he had slept. He could've gone home I guess.

It was a miracle I wasn't home. It took quite a bit of convincing for my mother to let me stay after that fainting spell they told her about. Quatre and Ariel both had to talk to her and when that failed Ariel took the phone to Quatre's father, who I have yet to meet. And after that it was settled. I was staying.

Wufei got a pedicure and manicure. It didn't look sissy at all. I was amazed. Apparently Ariel worked at a nail salon… well, before she started her family. What she does now I have no idea. Wufei said he enjoyed the experience and recommended it to me. I just don't know….

Quatre entered the room with a tray with a couple covered dishes. "Good, you're up." He set them on the bed and insisted I eat there. I felt like a criminal with the white sheets and all. He removed the covers on the food to reveal a grill chicken salad and a dozen different dressings is what I guessed they were. I gave him a skeptical look.

"It will make you feel better." He insisted. He then pulled a can of soda from his pocket and put that on the tray. Finally! Something that isn't fruity! Okay, that makes up for the salad right there.

"Where's Wufei?" I asked in between bites.

Quatre grinned, "He's occupied with Ariel Junior."

"Ariel Junior?" I echoed.

He laughed, "She has the same name as her mother and I make fun of it."

"I think I met her."

"My sister started a trend… so the eldest is named after their mother." Quatre laughed, "Easier to keep track of who's who."

"That's cheating!" I exclaimed. He laughed. "What are the names of all of Ariel's daughters?"

"Ariel, Aquata, Andrina and I have a hunch the next one is going to be Arista." He grinned.

"All A names," I nodded.

"They are more than just A names," He chuckled probably at some private joke that I didn't get. "The chicken good?"

"Oh yeah. I'm trying all the dressings."

He laughed, "I didn't know what you liked… so I gave you them all. They are all homemade."

"Cool." They were all pretty good. Maybe a salad wasn't so bad after all. "What is the plan?"

"Wufei mentioned he had water polo practice at three." Quatre peaked at something over my shoulder. I followed his gaze to a clock. It was one! Holy shit! "He mentioned he wanted to take you with him…." There was a severe expression on Quatre's face.

"Why?"

"I don't know. Brent will be there. And Hilde…." He looked troubled by this. "Well, the girls practice right after the boys unless they scrimmage."

"They play each other?" I asked astonished.

"Only scrimmage. The actual games aren't coed." Quatre shrugged. "A lot of sports do that." Quatre had an evil smirk, "I suggest you bring a swimsuit."

"I… don't have one and… what about the chlorine?"

"Just… trust me." He nodded. "Wufei said you could borrow one of his…."

"Does he have a spare here?"

"He always has a spare," Quatre grinned wickedly. I was afraid to ask why. "He says it's in his bag."

"What bag?" He had a bag?

"He went home for a little while to get it." Quatre explained and then pointed to a bag hanging up on the door to his room. It was a green duffle bag. "He says it's your pick."

"My pick?" I echoed. "And I don't know if I want to be going through his bag."

"He insisted you do it. It's just stuff he needs for water polo. Suits, goggles, caps, baby powder, towels, probably a water bottle or Gatorade." He shrugged. "Maybe even ear plugs? Some of the team carries those to keep from getting swimmers ear. Maybe spare clothes."

"Baby powder?"

"For the swim cap. I'm not sure the actual use. Keep it from sticking to itself… the caps are made of rubber and in the heat…. Probably easier to put on. I'm just guessing here. But like I said it's just water polo stuff. Have a look." He brought the bag to me.

It still felt wrong, but I unzipped the bag. Sure enough at first glance I could see a lot of what he listed to me. And I found the suits. "A Speedo. You're fucking kidding me. I'm not wearing a Speedo. I'm not even going to swim. Why would I need a suit anyway?"

"The whole team will be wearing them," Wufei said from the door way. "You'd be the oddball with shorts."

"I'm okay with that," There is no way I'm going to wear a Speedo.

"Pay up," Quatre held out his hand.

"You bet on that?" My voice squeaked.

Wufei nodded, "How about another bet double or nothing?"

"What did you have in mind?" Quatre asked.

"What we talked about in the kitchen." He grinned. I don't think I like this.

"That would be robbing you," Quatre protested, "You sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay, you're on." And they shook on it. Quatre's name was called by Ariel so he left.

"What the hell is the bet? I asked.

"I can't tell you. That would ruin it." He smirked.


	32. Answer to the Bet

Darkness Within  
Chapter 33 Day 8

a/n: I found that I said couch instead of coach… six times. Facepalm.

…..

So, I was wearing shorts, which I borrowed from Quatre. Why I still have no idea. Wufei told me to leave my valuables with his bag. That was pretty much my wallet, keys, my phone and the notebook…. He left that in the bleachers and not with the rest of the bags that were scattered at one corner of the pool deck. He sat on the bleachers and I sat next to him. He explained, "I'm still injured so I'm not practicing."

"Why the bag of goodies?"

"I'm not allergic to water. It's just a sprain. And neither are you."

My voice dropped into a whisper, "My stitches?" I asked. "Chlorine?"

"You'll be fine. I'm not asking you to submerge in it. It's mostly precaution. There is a good chance you'll get wet."

"If you're not practicing what are you doing?"

"Mostly watching. I'll wait until after warm ups and then I'm in the pool."

"What are the warm ups?" I asked.

He chuckled. "Laps on the lanes. The black lines on the bottom of the pool. During that time the only free space is the deep end. I would… but-."

"You're injured."

He shook his head, "I could manage the deep end just fine without legs if I wanted to. I believe they are going to do Ins and Outs."

"What?"

"They go back and forth getting in and out of the deep end. I hate that part. It's rough because it's about speed and breathing is important. The bottom is fifteen feet down so there is no cheating. You'll see. Even the most seasoned of us get worn out." He stood up favoring one leg of course when a bunch of guys in Speedos walked in the book area. Wufei called out in a deeper voice than usual. "Varsity!"

And they started a chant I couldn't quite understand that ended in a bunch of them hollering, "Varsity!" The only one that didn't go along with this strange ritual was Brent. He was starting right at me. At least I wasn't wearing a Speedo.

The guys one by one got on the lanes and started laps. Brent walked over to us. He was wearing a pair of goggles like a necklace. He was staring at me, "What do we have here? A faggot?" Wufei shoved him. Brent fell backward into the pool. Miraculously I didn't get wet. Brent surfaced and laughed. He put his goggles on. Then he started his laps.

"This is going to be interesting." Wufei commented.

"How so?"

He never answered. Instead he stood up. He took off his shirt and dropped his pants. He was wearing not just one, but two Speedos from the looks of it. One black and the other green from what I could see of it. What the hell? Then he dove rather awkwardly in and swam after Brent. He was fast! His arms were going. He caught up to Brent because he was at an easy pace, but soon as Brent realized Wufei wasn't far behind him he sped up. Soon they were side by side. I thought Wufei was going to kick his ass… or drown him? But instead he kept pace. It was clear Wufei was struggling to keep it. They were racing. They stopped at the other end of the pool and stood up. The other end was three and a half feet. I'm not sure who won from this angle. Brent said something. Wufei looked like he was ready to punch Brent. He didn't. Brent went back to his laps. Wufei got out of the pool and hobbled all the way over to where I was. He sat down next to me. He was glaring at Brent.

"Two Speedos? I asked him.

"Insurance," He smirked. "The guy in the lane next to Brent… when he gets out of the water look at the front of his Speedo."

I gawked at him. "I am not looking at the front of some guy's Speedo."

Wufei burst into laughter. He grabbed his stomach and took a deep breath, "That's… not what I was going at." He sighed, "It's torn… from a game."

"Torn?"I looked at him in horror.

"He's wearing another under. Just as I am." He grabbed the elastic of one of his. I looked away.

"They… get ripped during a game?" I asked.

"Or just regular wear. They get old they start falling apart. My black one has started to in the back." I'm taking his word for it.

"I am not looking at the back either." I glared at him. In his eyes of course. He looked amused. Bastard. "You just wanted me to wear a Speedo so you could check me out?"

"Quatre's idea." He chuckled. "I don't view Speedos as sexual. I guess it's an outsider thing. I'm around it so much… I guess I'm just not sensitive to it. It's the same way when the Speedos come off." He looked thoughtful. He was watching Brent from what I could guess. I thought the conversation was over, but apparently it wasn't, "I suppose if I was actually attracted to someone… it's been so long."

"So long?" I echoed. "How old are you? Sixty-seven rather than seventeen?" Or sixteen? He laughed rather sadly. I asked a bit leery, "Heartbreak?"

"I suppose." He shrugged. The cryptic thing he's doing is really getting on my nerves. He knows way more about me than I'd like, but I know virtually nothing about him!

The coach, at least it's a fair assumption since he was a short balding man with a whistle, came out of a shack in the pool area. He blew the whistle. The entire team lined up at the opposite end of the pool. He was talking. They all were listening. I couldn't hear what he was saying. They got out of the pool and met at one side of the deep end. A whistle blew. They all dove in and raced to the other side. Some of them weren't quite out of the water before he blew it again. They raced back. So, this was Ins and Outs. They did this several times, I really didn't keep track. The same stragglers were getting slower and some only half way when the whistle blew. The ones that made it looked ragged and out of breath. Wufei wasn't kidding.

Wufei commented, "Soccer, Basketball, Football, and such have sprints… we have Ins and Outs. I think we got the raw deal." He laughed. "At least they don't have to worry about breathing water." When he said that I realized one of the guys was off to the side looking like he was coughing. The coach was beside him talking to him, but pausing to blow the whistle. "This is preseason… so we're all more out of shape than usual. It gets better."

"This varsity?" I asked.

"Right now yes and junior varsity. We start an hour earlier than the freshman and sophomores. Our practices over lap. They'll either take on one part of the pool and us another… or we scrimmage with them. Our practice ends _officially_ an hour before theirs. The boys teams and the girls teams practice back to back. The girls have a similar set up with theirs. There are times when the coaches will have us scrimmage with the girls. Sometimes set up like an actual game and in a rotation. That gets interesting. We're very competitive."

"Why?" I asked.

"Would you want to lose to a bunch of girls?" He asked rhetorically. Point taken. "Or worse… the freshman and sophomore girls!"

"Do you play against Hilde?"

"It's rare. She's second string and we don't hold the same position. She can't handle the hole." He puffed up with pride.

"What?" I asked confused. I know jack about water polo.

"My position. I'm center or hole set. I'll explain if they managed to get a scrimmage going. Right now they are just treading water." He pointed. I looked. They were all in the deep end. The amazing part is they were half out of the water and both arms in the air.

"How is that possible?"

He grinned. "I'll show you the basics. It takes some time to build up to that…." He got up and sat at the edge of the pool with his feet dangling in the water. He gestured for me to do the same. I had to take off my shoes first. Then I was beside him. "Keep in mind I'm injured so this isn't going to be as smooth as it should be." He started moving his left and uninjured foot in a circular clockwise rotation. Then he started the other foot in an awkward counter clockwise rotation. Neither foot collided. "It's called egg beaters." That makes sense. I copied him. "You've got it! To get up like that for a length of time you do this, but fast." He demonstrated this. "Or for short time you can snap your legs and get up temporarily. That doesn't take much to do that. Go over and grab me a ball." I got up and followed his gaze toward the deep end. There was a mesh bag with all kinds of yellow balls. Put my hand on one and dropped it. It felt strange. I touched it and felt around the grip. It was something else. The grip was nothing like I'd ever felt before. It made sense to have a grip, but it felt odd. I couldn't even describe it. Ball in hands I started back to Wufei. He was standing in the water. He looked at me and started to yell, but it was too late. I felt shoved and I was in the deep end. I felt myself sink. I touched the bottom. I used it to torpedo my way up to the surface. Brent was above me offering me a hand. You got to be fucking kidding me. He's probably the one that pushed me. The coach was next to him. I didn't trust him, but I doubted he'd do anything stupid in front of the coach so I took his hand. He helped me out of the water. He said, "You've got to be careful around a pool." He didn't let go of my hand.

"Luckily I came prepared with a suit." I shot back and twisted my arm to get him to release. It didn't take much.

"Yeah, lucky." He eyed my suit and then followed the coach to the next exercise.


	33. I am Not a Girl

Darkness Within  
Chapter 34 Day 8

An: I've been very sick. But I'm trying to come back. I'm not sure if I like where the story is going with this chapter, but I've delayed long enough with updates.

…..

Brent kept his distance throughout the practice. He did once in a while give Wufei and me some dirty looks. One of his buddies on the team kept talking to him and gesturing our way at one point. Brent said something short and splashed him, which seemed to have ended that conversation. What were they saying?

The wet of my long sleeves was bothering me. I carefully rolled them up and positioned my arms so no one could see the stitches. This was really hard to do and not be self conscious about, but I managed okay.

Wufei nudged me. It was Hilde. She came walking into the pool area. She had on a one piece black swimsuit and what looked to be pajama pants. They had bows or butterflies or something. I really couldn't tell at this distance. She walked over to where everyone else's bags were she put a towel down and laid down on it. Wufei got up and went to her. I followed. He kneeled down next to her. She smiled weakly, "Hey."

"You okay?" He asked.

"Just cramps." She smiled. Oh.

"Want me to help you work them out?" He asked. I gave him a strange look that he didn't seem to notice.

"Not that kind of cramp," She laughed.

"Oh," he said. Yeah. Oh. Idiot. You're an ass no matter what kind of help you offer. It's perfectly acceptable however to help if she asks for it. Of course he offers again, "Anything I can do?"

"No." She goes on to say, "I always get them just before, so it's kind of reassuring."

"I'm glad," He answers. What? Are you nuts? "Other than… that, how are you doing?" I love his slight pause. He obviously doesn't have much experience dealing with that sort of thing. Unfortunately I do. I do the shopping and my mom asks me to get her stuff for that. She believes it's good for a man to be comfortable with doing favors like that. I don't think I could ever be comfortable. Less freaked yes. Comfortable… no. And worse if I can't match Mom's empty package to anything on the shelf and I have to ask a salesperson, usually I look for a woman because she'd probably know better… and she gives me a sympathetic or strange look depending on her views about a guy doing it I suppose. Both looks are a little annoying.

"Dad's on one of his rampages again." She groaned. "Would you mind, 'fei, having your mom cover for me?" Cover for what? How?

"Sure," He said a bit distracted. Then he said suddenly, "I'm going to piss off Brent." Oh no! I gave him a wary look. He didn't see it. He was already headed in that direction.

Hilde touched my leg. I looked down at her. She was sitting up. "So…?" She nudged me.

"What?" I asked even though I was afraid of the answer.

"How's Quatre?" She shook her head giving me a look she knew something.

How do I answer that? Is she insinuating what I think she is? Do I even want to tell her? "Uh…." is all I manage.

"I haven't seen him in a while… and I hear he's been spending a lot of time with you." She shrugged.

"So?" I shrug. Play it cool. "We're friends…." I guess.

"You've even been over his house!" She gushed. "I've never been there. What's it like?"

Wow, really? "Um… very clean."

She laughs, "You should share a locker with him. He tries to enforce everyone to be neat. Was he like that while you were there?"

"No. He did everything for me. It was… different. It's not what I expected when I suggested going to his place." I confessed.

"You suggested it?" She marveled.

The edited version, "Well… I didn't see anything wrong with a couple hours at his…." That couple of hours turned into a lot more. She probably knew that, but she couldn't know more unless Quatre decided to blab to her or maybe even Wufei.

"I never thought to ask Quatre." She frowned.

I found my mouth running without thinking, "You'd be amazed what a little communication could get you." Speaking of communication… he never did let me drive that 'vette. I wonder…. It would be nice to get behind that wheel just once. I wonder what she'd think about that. Or even Wufei. Oh crap. I completely forgot he was going to irritate Brent! I found Brent. He was tossing around that strange yellow water polo ball back and forth with that friend of his. The rest of the team was doing the same thing so there was nothing odd about that. But, where was Wufei? "Did you see where Wufei went?" I asked Hilde.

"No…." She looked around with me.

Something didn't feel right. Just as I was about to start a man hunt when Wufei came to view. He was walking along the outside of the pool fence. He was carrying a letterman jacket. So, he did have one.

Mystery solved I turned back to Hilde. She looked miserable. Why am I feeling guilty all of a sudden?

Something was draped over me. My hands flew to my shoulders only to land on Wufei's. He whispered uncomfortably in my ear, "You looked cold." I gave him a weird look. He smirked and backed off.

"Uh… thanks?" What the hell? It was strange, but it would be nice to move my arms again without exposing to the world my nasty habit. I slipped my arms in the sleeves.

Her stare was felt before I saw it. Hilde looked confused. She pulled me forward rather roughly. Thankfully I caught my balance before I fell onto the psychotic woman. She said in a harsh whisper, "I thought you were with Quatre?"

"I'm not." Not anymore. "What made you think that?" I eased out of her grip.

"I don't know. You seemed to be getting all buddy with him… I thought…. You're with Wufei?!" Okay where was she drawing this conclusion? Oh. Damn. I'm slow. The jacket. The letterman jacket. His letterman jacket. I gaped at Wufei. It's a tradition for a jock to give the jacket to his girlfriend. Like staking a claim or something. Wufei gave it to me…. Fuck.

He smirked, "So, you want to go steady or not?"

I am so fucking naïve. He did say he was going to ask me. And he told me to refuse. Didn't he? This is so much different it actually happening than when we discussed it. I never agreed to this obscene plan of his and sure enough he's dragging me into it. He said to refuse. He said it was my chance to embarrass him. In front of the whole fucking team it looks like.

"Duo?" Hilde asked uncertainly.

It was tempting to embarrass him. He has no idea. But, what if I didn't refuse? What would he do? Stage a stupid break up too? "Okay."

That wiped the grin off his face. He looked rather pissed. Good. This is going to get interesting. He couldn't say anything because so many people were around. What now? He awkwardly threw an arm around me.

Hilde asked sheepishly, "Shouldn't you kiss?"

"Pervert!" Both Wufei and I said. We looked at each other briefly and then I turned away. Awkward. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

"Taking it slow," He commented. I gave him a look. "For my sake," He clarified very vaguely and cryptically like everything else. I merely nodded.

Hilde said, "It's because your girlfriend's tragedy?"

Tragedy? A little overboard on adjectives? I gave Wufei a curious look. He shrugged. "I know he had something to do with it." I followed his gaze to Brent. So, that is what the rivalry was about? Oh, God. Could it get any more pathetic?


	34. Not About Trust

Darkness Within  
Chapter 36 Day 8

a/n: I like this chapter even less than the previous, but I've kept Wufei a mystery long enough.

….

So, Wufei and I went camping in my tiny yard. It was just sleeping bags and pillows amongst a jungle of my mom's potted plants. My mom probably doesn't know I'm even home let alone the guest. She strangely wasn't home. She could be working late, though I thought was taking time off to deal with me. My stitches itched. I rubbed the sleeves of my shirt lightly.

I'd brought out a lantern since the yard light hadn't worked since before I moved here. The street lamp had a dim glow so there was really nothing.

Wufei growled in protest, "You should've refused me. This isn't a game. I really didn't want to drag you into this!" This was the first time he protested since it happened.

"I'm f-."

He cut me off with an icy tone, "You are not fine and don't argue. You aren't fooling anyone, especially me. You are not fine! And you won't be if you keep denying it."

"I'm not denying that I have issues, but I'm not fragile. I can handle Brent." It was irritating he thought I couldn't.

"You don't know him! Enlighten me what could you do if Brent started shoving you?" Wufei got up and shoved me enough to have to correct my balance. "And started calling you a fag? What you going to do about it? Huh?" Wufei shoved me again. "Faggot." I didn't do anything. Wufei made a noise in his throat that clearly meant he disapproved. "You just going to take it? Huh, faggot?" He shoved me a third time. Okay that was getting really annoying, but I still said nothing. He laughed, "You the girl?"

That hit a nerve. I narrowed my eyes. "Quit messing around."

"I'm showing you classic Brent. He'll say and do things you won't like. If you just stand there and take it he won't stop. He'll keep pushing you," Wufei poked my chest. "And pushing you." He poked again. "Until you react. How long before you take it out on yourself or him?" He paused probably for dramatic effect. "It's a dangerous combination. Besides, Brent and I used to be best friends. This appears to still mean something to him because I have yet to be harassed. I've even flaunted you around like a boyfriend and he has yet to do anything to me!"

"So?"

"Maybe he doesn't believe we're together. Just like Hilde didn't believe it." He sat back down on the sleeping bag.

"So, what now?"

He sighed. "I don't know. We can't fake a relationship. It doesn't work like that. We can make all the innuendos we want, but it won't be long before someone sees through it." He gestured wildly, "Hilde doesn't even believe it. She asked us to kiss. We can dodge that for now… but not long. And when what? Kiss you? That's not faking a relationship. That's actually being in one!"

"You're awfully philosophical." I commented.

"Do you disagree?" He asked.

"I don't know. I'm new to the whole relationship thing." I shrugged.

He gave me a strange look, "Really?"

"I've never been in an official one. Hilde basically cornered me. Quatre isn't interested in a real relationship. Pity sex or something." Wufei snorted. I laughed, "Don't believe in pity sex either?"

"Oh, that I can believe." He shrugged. "But then again I hardly know Quatre."

"Why is that? You both are really good friends with Hilde."

"Hilde and I simply play water polo. We rarely see each other beyond that. Between games we'll do homework or she'll talk and I'll listen. I'm told I'm a good listener." He shrugged again.

"She doesn't lack in the gab department." I said with irritation.

"You don't like she's been talking about you." He said pointedly with a smirk.

"It wouldn't be such a big deal if I actually knew Quatre or you. Especially you. You're this huge mystery! You say one thing… and I find out another."

"What do you mean?" He looked genuinely clueless. Oh, so he forgot about earlier?

"You talk about Brent like he's part of some anti-gay mafia or something… and suggest you're against his beliefs. That seemed like the whole story behind you and Brent. That made even more sense when you said you were bisexual. Then you elude to this ex and him something to do with it. What is going on?" I asked.

He sighed, "She wasn't an ex. Just a girl I was vaguely interested in. So was Brent."

"So, it is about a girl?!" The disgust was dripping from my tone.

"Let me explain," He said in a whisper. I gestured for him to speak. He took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "The jocks, not just water polo, have parties. There was drinking, weed and maybe some other things too. Everyone would get pretty trashed. Of course I've been to those parties. The girls that were severely drunk or passed out… Brent would do things to."

I bit my lip fearing the worst I asked, "What kind of things?"

Wufei laughed, "One time he put his head in a girl's crotch. That's how he made the discovery she pissed herself. Karma." This made me want to laugh, but his tone grew to ice all of a sudden. "It became a game with him to do immature things. The ball to play beer pong would find itself down shirts. Then it became an initiation to be in his group you had to mess with the wasted girls. First it was harmless, but it progressed." He closed his eyes briefly. He opened them and continued. "I stopped going to the party when he started filling up passed out girls."

"Was this girl you liked one of them?" I asked.

"Getting there," He said with irritation. "I only know a few facts. She was wasted. She had fought with Brent. She stole a friend's car keys and took off. She ran off the road."

"She… died?" I asked. It was probably cruel, but I wanted to be certain.

He gave a single nod. "I realize Brent didn't force her to drink or get in that car, but I know that fight had something to do with her doing that. I fear he raped her. I know it sounds crazy… but I know what he does to the wasted girls! Charges were once brought up against him! The girl settled. So now she has her college funded by her rapist. Parents should be ashamed."

That hit a nerve. I couldn't look at him. I already knew the tears were coming and I felt him staring at me. "No. That's perfect. A trial would be embarrassing. The girl's been through enough. She doesn't need to face her rapist. And even if she did… it's mostly her word against his. Trying to convict him drags out the horrible event! Even if she won… he'd go to jail for a while, but not for long. He'll get out. He'll have a rapist flag on him, but that won't stop him from raping again. A settlement is quick, private and perfect."

He was silent for a long time before he asked, "Do you know someone that was raped?"

Cryptically, I answered, "Something like that." He was so close. Any minute he's going to realize it was me.

"I'm sorry. It must've been horrible for her."

I'm not a girl! I dug into my leg. The tears started coming. Please, not now. Not ever. I was shaking. A sob escaped. I cleared my throat. Suck it up! Quickly I wiped the tears with a sleeve. "It's my fault. I let it happen. I let him get away."

Wufei had a severe expression on his face. I looked away. He slowly moved next to me on my sleeping bag. He put an arm awkwardly around me. I didn't object. Instead I wrapped my arms around his waist and sobbed into his chest. He stiffened briefly. Then he wrapped the other arm around me.


	35. Masochist - Wednesday

Darkness Within  
Chapter 36 Day 9

……

Birds were chirping. Slowly I opened my eyes and shocked to find Wufei's face just inches from mine. He was staring at me. I tried to move out of our tangled limbs, but found I was trapped inside a sleeping bag. I don't remember falling asleep much less getting inside a sleeping bag with Wufei. "Relax," He whispered. He shifted and managed to detach from me. He slowly climbed out of the sleeping bag. I fled the sleeping bag to the point of tripping and falling on my hands and knees. Awkwardly I forced myself up and avoided his gaze.

Suddenly I heard a phone ring. It was the cell Quatre gave me. Just what I need him calling me. This was really awkward! My ex lover calling me while I'm with my fake boyfriend. Wufei asked, "Are you going to answer that?"

"It's probably Quatre." I'm not sure if I really want to talk to him. I gave Wufei a wary look. He made a shooing motion. I headed inside in a hunt for the phone. It was in Wufei's bag next to the door. I grabbed the phone and my notebook. It would be stupid to keep it in the bag, wouldn't it? I answered the phone as I retreated to my room. It was Mom. She had my number? Interesting. It wasn't until the call I realized she never came home. She sounded very worried. She wanted me to stay at a friend's or have a friend over. I told her Wufei was over. She told me where some money was stashed I could use for pizza and whatever else I wanted. That was unusual and even more so when I realized it was only nine in the morning. She told me she was at a friend's and that she was starting a shift soon, but not to expect her home until late.

With the notebook stashed in my closet, I left my room to go to the drawer in the kitchen where money was stashed. Wufei had found the coffee maker and was putting it to use. "What did Blondie want?" He smirked.

"It was Mom." I replied. I was still going over the conversation in my head and it still didn't make a lot of sense. She claimed to have taken several days off… she said she was working?

"She's not here?" He asked casually. I shook my head. He then moved on to another topic, "I'm surprised he hasn't called you yet." He being Quatre of course.

"Why?" He abandoned me basically. Just threw me at Wufei. What happened to that spill Quatre was saying about how he thought I chose him or whatever to open up to and that he wasn't going to just let it go? It wasn't true. I didn't choose anything. He was just there at the wrong moment. Even how untrue how it happened… it was nice for just a short time that someone was not just on my side, but willing to really listen without judgment. Sure, he pitied me, but at least he didn't really judge me. At least… not until he thought I swallowed the pills. I know…. My failure caused that.

Wufei said slowly, "I just thought he'd call… are you okay?"

Arg. I hate being looked at like I'm about to break. He looked like at any moment he was ready to spring into action as if I'm going to fall to pieces right here. "I am your problem now. He did everything short of throwing me at you."

"That's curious." He leaned on the counter in silence until the coffee was done. He poured two cups and handed me one. "Does it bother you?" He asked casually.

"Not the way you think." I didn't exactly have feelings or whatever for him. I just needed…. Okay. Stop. I can't go there. Not now.

"I'm not thinking anything. I've been proven what I think is wrong about you." He put the cup down and crossed his arms. "So, instead of assumptions and guesses… why don't you tell me?"

"We were just fooling around one night. Why does it matter? It's not like I'm actually dating you." I shot out. Not discussing this with him.

"Relax," he said softly.

Abruptly I asked, "What about you?"

"Me?" He cocked his head slightly to the side. "You want to know my… experience?"

His hesitation gave me pause. "What do you think about all this?" I'm just as reluctant to hear about his experience as I am telling about mine.

"I think there is something I'm missing," He shrugged. A minute later he frowned and asked, "Do you still not trust me because my connection with Brent?"

"It's not about trust." I just don't want to talk about it anymore. There is only so much to say… and so much that I could be judged. Blinking. No tears. I can't do this now. Wufei was eyeing like a hawk. He was expecting me to explain myself, wasn't he? "I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay." He surprisingly let it go. "I have practice again today. You want to come?" When I didn't answer he quickly said, "I won't pressure anything regarding our… relationship, but it would be helpful if you wore the jacket."


	36. Under a Priest

Darkness Within  
Chapter 37 Day 9

…….

Wufei was sitting uncomfortably close to me on the bench. It was even more uncomfortable that he was just in a Speedo. Well, two, but that wasn't reassuring. If it couldn't get any worse… Brent and his stupid friend were eyeing us as often as they could.

"'Fei?" I asked. He glared at me. "I don't know what to do."

"I can show you how to throw a water polo ball." He offered. That wasn't what I was getting at, but it was tempting. Maybe I could throw it at Brent.

"That's not what I meant."

He slipped his hand in mind, which happened to be in my lap. I hesitantly laced my fingers in his. This was so strange. "No pressure," He smirked. I can't believe I'm going along with this.

"How… far is this going to go?" I asked.

He looked at me puzzled, "What do you mean?" I gave him a look that spelled out 'duh' for me. He shrugged. "I wasn't expecting this to go anywhere. Why?"

"You're holding my hand. That's certainly somewhere." I muttered.

Unfortunately he heard me, "Well, if you want to take it to the next level…." He trailed off. I panicked. Next level? He chuckled and clarified, "Kissing."

Oh. It sounded so simple. But Quatre-. To hell with Quatre! My mouth met Wufei's hard. His arms grabbed my biceps. It didn't take him long to recover. He was returning the kiss with the same amount of intensity. Suddenly I felt something hard impact my cheek. My mouth was ripped from Wufei's. The inertia flung me into the benches. Ouch. Half my face felt like it was on fire and my shoulder wasn't fairing any better. I got up. Brent and Wufei we locked in glares. Brent gaped with complete disgust. The way he was shaking his hand made it clear who hit me. Never hit the face. You can break the delicate bones in your hand and it really isn't that effective of a blow. It hurts like hell, but it won't stop me. I was just about to leap at him when I saw the coach approaching. But, that will. Brent backed off and stalked out of the pool area. The coach looked at me with concern. Did he see what happened? If he didn't he could probably guess. I was holding my face. God, that hurts! The coach told me to sit down and ordered Wufei to get an ice pack. So, I sat back on the bench. The coach tilted my head and examined it. Soon as Wufei had the ice pack it was placed on it. That hurt worse than the initial impact. I hissed.

The coach frowned, "I'll take care of Brent."

"I asked for it," I confessed.

He sighed. He didn't appear to disagree with me. Maybe he did see the whole thing. He said again. "I'll take care of it."

Wufei had an unreadable look, "Maybe you shouldn't come to practice." The coach nodded at this.

"Nah, I thought I'd stick around. I decided I'd be masochistic." Hell no. Wufei didn't look amused. "Of course. Got any other bright ideas?"

His expression softened, "There are much more fun ways to be a masochist."

The coach looked briefly disgusted. "You can sit here as long as you like. Take the pack whenever you're ready to leave. Wufei, make sure your… friend gets home." The tone when he called me a friend was clear he meant something entirely different. He went on, "You know where the phone is in the shack if you need it. Dial nine first and then the number." The coach then when back to running the practice as if nothing happened.

"Masochist?" Wufei smirked. I would blush but half my face hurt. I wanted to move the ice pack but I feared my skin had bonded with it and it felt like it would rip off if I tried. I know, I'm being ridiculous, but it _hurt_!

"What do you think pissed off Brent?" I asked.

"I think that is fairly obvious. We were kissing."

"Why me and not you?"

Wufei frowned, "I have no idea, but this does change things." He grabbed the wrist holding the pack. He pulled it back from my face and stared at me. He winced, "You are already starting to get a black eye. Quatre is going to be livid." Why the fuck would he care? He abandoned me! Wufei said in a mock panic, "Quick, give me a black eye."

"Who's the masochist now?" I gawked at him. He chuckled.


	37. Stitches

Darkness Within  
Chapter 38 Day 9

a/n: Feed me reviews. They are my drug and keep me going…. Must have my fix…. And happy turkey day.

……

"Hilde wasn't at practice today," Wufei commented absently as he came out my bathroom. He was toweling off his hair. This was the first time I've ever seen his hair down. It's longer than I thought it was.

"So? Don't we have bigger problems to focus on? Like… Brent!" I practically shouted at him. I was still nursing my face with the ice pack in the living room, even though I had long ago decided it was useless. I've already got a swollen and blackening eye.

"You said you could handle it." He said with amusement. Bastard. It was clear from the beginning he didn't think I could.

"I wasn't expecting a sucker punch," I said pointedly. It wasn't that bad. It just was a better topic than Hilde.

"Neither was I," He continued to towel off his hair has he walked into my living room. He used my shower instead of the locker rooms. Though, after a steamy kiss and my face busted in because of it I could understand why. "Not aimed at you. I was expecting something at me."

"Must've been some friendship," I muttered under my breath. He didn't appear to hear that. "He might be jealous," I mused.

Wufei snorted, "I doubt that." Then he looked directly at me or through me, I'm not entirely sure. "How are you doing?"

"It's just a black eye." I took off the pack to show him the nice growing purplish color.

"No… I mean… never mind." He shook his head.

"What do you mean?" I pressed with irritation. I do not like him being cryptic. It's time I get him out of that habit. We sat there glaring at each other for a long time without a word. I looked away first. Damn it. I still pressed. I'm not thwarted that easily by a stare. "Well?"

"It's your state of mind I worry about." He paused as if choosing his words wisely. "You haven't said anything about the kiss or how you feel about what Brent did."

"What are we fucking girls?" I yelled at him with irritation. I'm also sick of the third degree. I got enough of that from Quatre. I'm not about to tolerate that with Wufei. I crossed my arms.

He snorted, "You didn't answer the question."

"I wasn't aware of a question," I shot back. Yeah, I know. It was implied. Was it really necessary to tell him? It was nothing like Quatre. Screw Quatre! It's over with him. Wufei's kiss was intense… hungry. I shook my head. Not thinking about it. Damn it was really hard to be pissed around him. He didn't seem to pity me the way Quatre did. Arg! Enough about him. Stop comparing! This relationship with Wufei is just as stupid as it was with Quatre. It's supposed to be fake. It's not better being fake verses non-existent. It's the same damn thing.

Wufei shook his head, "What is going on?"

"I don't know if I like faking it."

"Because you got hurt?" He asked.

"No. It's just stupid." The black eye really is nothing. Of course it was irritating and I sure as hell am not going to let Brent away with it, but in the scheme of things it was nothing.

He smirked, "You can't fake a relationship…."

"Oh really? I thought we were doing a good job of it so far." My tone was dripping with sarcasm.

"Calling it fake is being in denial. It's a relationship. It's not based on feelings. It's messed up is what it is. But, if you're still on board I want still try to get Brent after me." Wufei draped the towel over an empty seat of the couch and stood directly in front of me. "You know already it's about Brent with me, though I do admit I wouldn't mind a kiss like that again." A blush spread across my entire face with a goofy smile, but that was a bad idea. I winced. He then asked, "Again, what is your motivation?"

"So, even though Brent hit me you still want to do this?" I gave him an incredulous look. "I thought you didn't want me hurt."

"This is true, but I have another idea." He looked troubled, "But I think Quatre isn't going to tolerate that I let you get hurt."

"Why do you keep saying that? He abandoned me! He just shoved me at you and left!" I practically shouted.

"He cares about you," Wufei said cryptically.

"He sure has a funny way of showing it," I stated in complete disbelief.

Wufei rubbed his chin, "I'm very curious."

"Fuck your curiosity." It came out calmer than I felt. "Is there something going on between you and Quatre?"

"No. I haven't spoken with him since that day we left his house." He got a look of amusement, "Jealous? Don't worry. Quatre doesn't like me and I'm not interested in anything beyond his help. He is of privilege… this could come to an advantage if things get bad. He has resources we do not. Besides he cares about you. That should be motivation enough to use those resources."

"He's just heir… the fortune isn't his but his father's right?" I asked.

"He has assets of his own," Wufei whispered. "I think I can trust you not to mention this to anyone. He's the only male of the family. He's expected to take over the family fortune so he's got a lot more privilege then he'll ever let you believe. Daddy's faith in him is well placed. Quatre has contacts you wouldn't believe."

"And how do you know about this?"

He grinned, "I do my research."

"Stalker!" It was supposed to be a joke, but that made me a bit uncomfortable. If he could find out Quatre…. "Wufei? What do you know about me?"

He looked puzzled, but amazingly answered. "Most of what I know is what I've heard from Hilde and Quatre. Most of what I need to know is what I can see. I know you have a secret you're trying desperately to hide from me, but I don't think it's the type of secret that has documentation, is it?" I shifted uncomfortably but said nothing. "It's clear your mother and Quatre know it or enough of it. Hilde does not?" He asked. I silently confirmed. He looked relieved. "That's good. Very good." Wufei was silent for a very long time. He just stared at me before he opened his mouth. Here it comes… he's going to ask what the secret is. I braced myself. Instead he asked, "Did Quatre stumble on it or did you tell him?"

I swallowed hard, "I blurted it."

"Okay." He didn't seem surprised. "Do you regret it?"

"I don't know," I said honestly. "He seems to over react. Whatever it is he thinks about me is probably a bit extreme and why he doesn't want to deal with me anymore."

"He seemed to bring things out of proportion. You didn't try to kill yourself at his house." Wufei stated. He didn't ask. He truly believed me.

I gawked at him. "You believe me?"

"Yes. The only question is what really happened?" Wufei asked. He believed me!

"I don't know." I shrugged.

"Do you think it as lack of food?"

"I'm not sure." It's not like I try to starve myself.

"You aren't using that as an excuse. I respect that. Maybe we should've taken you to see a doctor?" He asked. I merely shrugged. "Why did Quatre blow it out of proportion like he did?"

"He blows everything out of proportion," I snorted. "I don't blame him really… I had actually tried to kill myself once. It's only natural to assume I would again."

"Only if you've never been there yourself," Wufei added. "Survival instinct is too strong. You know it's wrong. But you see no other way. It's mostly about not having options. You just can't cope. You know you're hurting people you love simply by being miserable. They are watching you go through this or so estranged you feel you have no one. You can't deal with it alone.. getting there proves that point. You finally do the unthinkable, but you survive. Surviving is a mind fuck in of itself. It takes a lot to work back up to it. It's obvious you are struggling with that."

"Yeah."

"You feel betrayed by Quatre?" He asked uncertain. "Because he abandoned you?" Did he think my suicide attempt had something to do with Quatre? It seemed a bit strange to jump there if he didn't.

I shrugged, "I guess. It's not like I'm a burned lover or anything. He was helping me. The only one that really understood I need to have someone to talk to. The shrink isn't working. He rarely says anything. He just asks questions to try to bring out more from me, but he doesn't make me feel any better for spilling my guts. With Quatre it seemed like someone was on my side. Someone that would tell me I'm not crazy. Sure he pitied me. That was annoying. He took things to extremes. But at least it was better than nothing."

Wufei smiled, "That's really good."

"How? He is gone now."

"He's not. He cares about you. He's not just going to sit on the side lines. Give him some time. I think with him he has some regrets on how he handled the situation."

That made me blink. Then I laughed, "He regrets having sex."

"That's another way of putting it." Wufei said warily. "For the record… I'm not after sex."

"I know… you are after Brent." I rolled my eyes. "I wasn't thinking…."

"I don't pity you either. I empathize. I've been in your position."

"What? Bottom?" I blurted.

He looked confused for just a micro second and then he turned red, "Uh…. That wasn't what I meant…."

I chuckled, "I know… I'm just trying to lighten things up."

"That's good." He paused. "You were bottom?"

Repressing the urge to blush I smirked slightly, "Why?"

"Huh… Not that I put much thought into it… but Quatre seems more the type than you." He looked genuinely surprised.

"Don't tell me it's not going to work between us because we both bottom." I joked.

He turned an even deeper shade of red, "Uh…."

"Come on lighten up. Despite being a bit easy… I doubt it will happen."

"Misguided," Wufei corrected.

I winced. That is what Father Maxwell called me. The tears tugged at my eyes. Oh, no not again…. The expression Wufei had made it clear he noticed something was wrong. "It just hurts…."

To all of the church I was a problem child… to Father Maxwell I was misguided. All I needed was to find God… What a hypocritical bastard. Yeah, I'd find God while I was being smothered underneath the priest. He held me down, only enough to deter me from retaliating or escaping. He made it clear he didn't want to hurt me. He kept telling me to relax. He told me it wouldn't hurt so much if I just relaxed. He said I'd enjoy it…. He wasn't wrong. I reacted. I moved against him. He encouraged me. He told me I was being a good boy. He didn't have to hold me down or seek me out any more. I am so fucked up…. The nun, my mother, the doctors, the authorities…. They all call it rape. Is it really? I wanted it once I understood what it was about. I even sought him out! I came back to him when foster parents didn't work out. He was the only person that really seemed to care about me and wanted me around. It wasn't always about sex like they make it out to be, but they'll ignore that fact. I was lying to them all. I'm lying to myself. I'm not the victim. It wasn't rape.

Wufei forced the ice pack back on my face. "You should keep using this. In a way it numbs." Good he thought I was talking about the black eye. I almost forgotten about that. I feel sick….


	38. Scare - Thursday

Darkness Within  
Chapter 39 Day 10

A/N: reviews are my drug of choice…

……

Another morning waking up to birds. This time they flew off from all the bushes and trees around the tiny yard and beyond. Then I heard someone's footsteps on the other side of the fence. The fence was six feet tall… and since I'm a bit shorter, I stood up on a bench between the potted plants my mom had. I peered over to see the top of someone's head. "Quatre?" He sighed without looking at me, "Your mom asked me to take you to your appointment."

"She asked you?" I looked at him in disbelief. "To the shrink?"

He sounded confused, "She said it was to get your stitches removed."

Oh… OH! It's been seven days. Wow. Wait. Where was my mother? "Did she tell you why?"

"She just said you needed a ride, but if Wufei has it handled…." He said ominously as he started to turn away. He doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want to take me. It was clear as day.

Wufei stood up on the bench next to me and peered over the fence, "I've got somewhere I need to be." Chicken shit. What is Quatre going to do? Give you the third degree? Nag at ya? Ooooh maybe he'll yell! That would be interesting to see. He gets shoved in the locker and does nothing for fuck's sake! What is he going to do?

"Okay, you ready?" Quatre was giving Wufei a death glare, but I think he was talking to me.

"Almost." Glancing down I was wearing what I was yesterday. It will do. I climbed down and hesitated wondering what about Wufei? I didn't feel right just kicking him out. I seriously doubt he has somewhere he has to be.

"I'm going across the street. I'll probably still be there when you get back." He smiled and grabbed his bag. He walked out ahead of me. When I finally shut the door behind me he was already gone. I'm guessing to Hilde's. What's his deal with her? Who cares if she didn't show up at practice? It's probably hooky or maybe a female thing. Either way would you really want to be there?

Quatre was shaking his head. Judging by the fact he wasn't giving me the third degree he heard about the black eye. I said shortly, "I kissed him."

He blinked, "What?"

Since I figured he already knew about the incident I gave him just the highlights. When I told him I got punched he looked up at me and stared directly at my black eye as if it was the first time he noticed it. He was silent. There was no telling what he was thinking, but it was obviously not good. He had a severe expression on his face. He muttered something I didn't catch. "You ready?" He asked impatiently.

"Yeah." I hate being right. He really doesn't care. Why is he even bothering to give me a ride? I bet I could rip the stitches out myself.

He marched ahead of me to his Hond-what? He drove the Corvette! That or I was dreaming. Maybe it was a neighbor's? Ha! Right like anyone living in my apartment complex could afford a 'Vette. And if somehow they had one… it would be beyond stupid to park it here. That thought had me staring at Quatre.

He got in without a word. Even after I got in he didn't start the car. I made a dramatic event of buckling up to give him the hint, but he still didn't start the car. There was still that new car smell. That's a little odd. He's had it for a while. Maybe it was wrecked just after it was purchased and Quatre doesn't use it regularly. It would be stupid to park it at school too. Wait, "Don't you have school today?"

"I'm playing hooky," He said matter-of-factly.

"You?" I gapped at him.

"Today in math is review, English they are doing practice tests. I'll ace the real one when I take it. It's on The Outsiders. I've read that book in the fifth grade or something. Judging by the clouds overhead Phys. Ed is going to have indoor basketball. I've already finished my assignments in both my electives and I already know Spanish fluently. I think I can afford a day off." He rolled his eyes.

"Whoa, easy. I wouldn't care if you had tests or even if you studied. It's just seems odd for you to ditch. You sure it won't ride on your conscience?" I teased. "Your teachers might miss their pet."

He snorted, but didn't deny being a teacher's pet. That was too easy. Maybe he is a masochist. Wufei seemed to think so. Not in so many words, but still.

Wufei was going across the street to Hilde's. Is he really that worried about her missing practice? Maybe she wanted to ditch like Quatre is doing now? Or maybe it's all about that female stuff. Why he's all interested in that is weird. What is he going to do… give her a massage? Ha! I am such an ass.

The silence between Quatre and I continued through the entire drive to the hospital. He stared at the floor in the waiting room. The doctor was jabbering away cheerfully as he was taking the stitches out. That seemed odd. The doctors that were attending me after the event and even the receptionists gave me looks mixed of pity and disgust. But this doctor didn't seem to be bothered by the marks that were so blatantly obvious it was done by my own hands.

Slowly the irritating itching was relieved. And it felt so good to have the last of them out. The doctor started cleaning up. I rubbed my arms over the awkward lines and dots that were left. That felt so much better. The doctor grabbed at my left wrist and peeled off the old butterfly tape. He examined the area. It looked okay to me. He said nothing about it. Instead he said, "You're all finished. You'll have some scarring, but it looks like it will be very minor. You're lucky. Whomever stitched you up did a real nice job."

I shrugged. It's not like I'd know or cared. It was only my mom that was concerned about scarring. She claimed to have some trick about that.

When we exited the building we noticed the rain. Quatre muttered something about pulling the car around for me. I'm not allergic to water. I can walk. So, I walked behind him as he pranced ahead. Yes, pranced. He looked like a damn fairy. I guess he really wanted out of the rain. He was in such a hurry he leaned in from the driver's side to open the door for me. I got in. He started the car and played with the knobs until he was satisfied with the temperature. When he didn't put the car in drive I looked at him. He had a severe look on his face. Okay, so I care a little. "Something wrong?"

"I'm sorry." He sighed. Sorry? For what? I could list a whole bunch he should be sorry for, but… specifically what is going on? Instead of a reason he asked, "Do you want to go to my place?" His voice was strangely gentle.

"Why?" I asked.

"We're friends, right?" He didn't sound too sure about that. "I promised you could drive my car and have yet to actually do it."

Why was he being nice all of a sudden? Am I missing something? I thought he wanted nothing to do with me. Against my better judgment I agreed… and because come on it's a Corvette!


	39. Shove it

Darkness Within  
Chapter 40 Day 10

A/N: Must have reviews….twitch….

…..

When I first took the wheel on Quatre's property he looked like he was going to jump out of the vehicle at any moment. He would mention the fountain or a tree on his property in my way even when it was hundreds of yards away. He kept himself braced in the passenger seat at the beginning, but he relaxed once I got the hang of it. It wasn't too difficult. It just took getting used to. Once I did there was a slight thrill. I'm driving a Corvette!

"Slow down!" Quatre laughed.

"She demands to be opened up!" I responded.

"Keep those horses corralled. I promise to show you the perfect place to open 'er up, but pace yourself. You're still learning." He chuckled and sighed. "Driving isn't all about fun. We need to get you a permit to be able to learn out on the road. My property is all well and good, but it doesn't have the experience you need."

"So, I just take a written test. It's all multiple choice, right? Easy."

"Not quite. It depends on the test you get. You won't always get the same test if say you didn't pass and tried to retake it. Sometimes you have to match up signs to meanings."

"I already know the signs. Most are fairly self-explanatory. You don't even have to speak the language. Though, the stop sign tells you what it means… it's the same shape and color everywhere."

He ignored me, "They like to word the questions rather strangely sometimes. I think to trick you on purpose."

"So, nothing new. The tests in school are the same way."

"I got you this year's edition of the driver's handbook. Study it. When you're ready to take the test just let me know."

"Cool." I nodded.

"If there is anything else… I mean anything don't hesitate to ask." He claimed very insistently. Before I could ask or protest or decide how to respond to that he was out the door and headed to his house. I followed him.

He insisted I sit down at the kitchen table. He got me a soda. Thank God! I had about as much of that fruity carbonated water as I could stand. He started pulling things out of the frig and cabinets. When he had everything placed around and on a cutting board it looked like he was going to make a couple sandwiches. "So…."

"So, what?" I asked. Aw, more tomatoes. I hate tomatoes, but since he already sliced and placed them on my sandwich I accepted them without argument.

"Have you spoken with Hilde recently?"He asked.

"The day before yesterday I think. Why?"

"What did she say?" He went on to pry.

"Mostly complaining." I shrugged.

"About?" He asked.

God…. "Female stuff…."

He hesitated, "What did she say exactly?"

"What kind of sick bastard are you? Wufei is overly interested in that too! What the fuck?" I stood up.

He shook his head, "You poor clueless bastard…."

"Huh?"

"Hilde never talked to you about it?"

"It's not my business."

"It is if you slept with her," He smirked.

"No it isn't," I argued. "It's deeply personal."

"Not for you when you're directly involved." His smirk drew into a very evil looking grin. It was so strange to see it.

"How the fu- oh shit…."

"Finally! He's clued in."

"She's… pregnant?" I asked. He chuckled. It felt real cold in here all of a sudden. "Dude! This isn't funny! Is she?"

"Actually, I don't know. She hasn't said anything to me about it either."

Suddenly I remembered how to take a breath. "So, you're just… screwing with me?"

"No." He looked like he wanted to say more but I didn't give him the chance.

"Then what the fuck?" I glared at him.

"Have you talked about it?" He had this smug look. The answer was probably written all over my face for he went on saying, "So… you're just expecting her to tell you if she's pregnant?"

"Why wouldn't she?" It sounded awfully stupid.

"What if she decided to take care of it quietly?" He raised an eyebrow and leaned toward me. He put held his chin up with his elbows.

"Like an abortion?" I asked.

"Precisely." He said pointedly.

"That would be on her."

"That wouldn't bother you?" He held out a hand.

"I dunno. I never thought about it. What's the point? This is all speculation. Why-?"

He cut me off, "What if it were true? What if she were pregnant?"

"What if?" I shot back at him. "It's not like I have a choice. She is or isn't. She might abort it if she were. Really this discussion is stupid." And I want to discuss it no farther.

"What if she wanted to keep it?" He was too smug. What did he know I didn't?

"Then she keeps it. Again not like I have a fucking choice." End. Of. Discussion.

"If she kept it you'd be part responsible for it-."

My turn to cut him off, "You don't even know if she is!"

"Right, but what if-."

"There is no what if. She is or isn't. And I'm about to get an answer once and for all!" I took my phone out of my pocket and selected her name on the contacts list. It took a few rings before she picked up. Immediately I blurted, "Are you pregnant?" I thumbed the speaker phone just to shove it in Quatre's face.

There was a long pause before, "I-I don't know."

A knot developed in my throat. "How do you not know?"

"I'm late… and I haven't tested yet."

"Isn't there like morning sickness or something?" I asked. Quatre gave me a nasty look. What? Isn't there?

"I don't know. I've never been pregnant before." She said haughtily. Then panic, "What if I am pregnant?" Oh no… not this again. "My father is going to kill me!" Quatre wildly gestured with his hands. I ignored him. She went on. "Duo! What are we going to do?"

"Relax. Take a test." I said coolly.

There was a pause, "I can't be pregnant. This can't happen to me…."

More wild gesturing from Quatre. Again I ignored him. "Hilde. Take the test."

Quatre spoke up, "You're an ass."

"Quatre?" Hilde asked.

"Yeah, do you need someone to pick one up for you?" He asked nicely.

"No… I have… I can test. I just haven't yet."

Before I could scream, 'why the fuck not?' Quatre held his hand over my mouth from across the table. That's easily defeated, but I am being an ass so I decided maybe he should take the reins. He asked, "Would you like someone there?" He was glaring directly at me. There was no question in my mind as to who that someone would be.

"No…. I'm sorry. I'm afraid."

"I know," Quatre said soothingly, "Duo is too. We all are. Hun, you'll be okay. We're here for you."

"Thanks." There was a strange noise on her end.

Quatre reacted first, "What was that?"

She didn't answer. Instead there was someone talking in the background. "I'm going to take a test."

"Hilde?" The voice in the background said. It was distinctly Wufei. Great… everyone gets to witness this.

Some more strange noises. "Sorry… I'm opening it now."

"Do what you need to do." Quatre encouraged.

"This is so weird. I know I have to pee on it… but… it's just weird."

"Make sure it's laid flat for a couple minutes when you're done," Quatre directed.

"Don't worry they come with instructions." She said nervously.

"Just being thorough." He smiled though she couldn't see him smile.

Wufei's voice sounded muffled. I couldn't tell what he said but it got Hilde in a fit of giggles. She said probably him, "What if it were a girl?"

He was talking again, but again I couldn't make it out. But I could distinctly make out the sound of her peeing. Probably a strange thing to think about at a time like this, "Is Wufei watching you pee?"

She snorted with laughter, "No… shut up I'm trying to pee on a stick!" She was still laughing.

Quatre even looked a bit amused. When he saw me looking at him he sobered up. "What did Wufei say?"

A toilet flush and then an answer, "He just said to name the baby after him. I asked what if it were a girl and he said Wufei was a good name for a girl too." He called out again. Still not a clue, but luckily I had an idea what he said when she responded, "I'll wash 'em give me a minute. You said two minutes right? It's already got a response…."

"Just wait." Quatre insisted.

"Tell me!" I demanded in panic. She could be pregnant. If it says the answer early give it!

She said hesitantly, "It says I'm not…." Thank you, God! "But why haven't I gotten my period yet?"


	40. Main Gate

Darkness Within  
Chapter 41 Day 10

a/n: First person has one drawback… that's not knowing what all the other characters are thinking. I've probably made Quatre a little more forward than necessary to compensate a little. Wufei is on the other end of the spectrum… he's just one huge question after another. I love it! Sorry if that gets irritating. I'll try to explain everything.

Happy New Years! I'm going to be lighting off all the goodies… rockets, M80s, firecrackers and all the delicious things that are legal in my location but weren't where I grew up.

…..

Oh my God. The disaster I just avoided. She could've been pregnant. Why hadn't that occurred to me? Why did it take Quatre to point that out to me? He never did explain what made him think of that. What am I stupid? Anyone with an iota of intelligence could come up with that. I should've thought of that.

Anyone would think I'd be relieved to hear she wasn't, but I felt a weight on me. A responsibility, I guess. And when I see her again… what would I say? Sorry to put you through all that? Please… it's not like she isn't guilty too. Where does this leave… her… and me?

Quatre's sister was gushing about some stupid baby thing to him. As annoying and slightly karmic for her to be rubbing her pregnancy in front of me at this time, I'm oddly thankful for the interruption. Last thing I need is Quatre lecturing or talking about it. I was stupid. Luckily it didn't lead to pregnancy and now it's over. He can butt the hell out.

"You okay?" Ariel broke me from my thoughts. It startled me to see her right in front of my face. The concerned look on her face showed even clearer she was related to Quatre. She could almost pass as his twin. "Duo?" She gently put a hand on my shoulder. Oh, right. I hadn't even answered her. Am I okay? I think so. Or hope so? I'm not really sure.

Quatre pushed her away from me, "Ariel… I'll handle it."

"Because you've done such an awesome job so far," It was my voice, but I don't remember even thinking it. I agreed, but… did that really come out? And a lot harsher than probably necessary.

He sighed, "I already told you I'm sorry."

"Do you even know what I'm referring to? Sorry? What? Oh, I could list a whole mess of things you could be sorry for, but enlighten me which specific thing is it?"

"Okay!" Ariel stood up.

"Duo, I really don't want to get into this right now. We can talk about everything once you had a time to digest what just happened." He said it diplomatically with a hint of concern.

"I know what just happened!"

"You are acting like it's no big deal." Quatre said astonished.

"It is a big deal, but it's over! It's not like I have a relationship with Hilde so you can take any lecture about condoms and shove it up your ass!"Ariel burst into a fit of giggles. I gave her a nasty look. She wisely hid her grin behind her hand. I turned back to Quatre. He was blushing. I was still raving mad at him. "I know a baby would change everything. I grasp how big of a deal it is. I just am not going to dwell on it because she isn't pregnant!"

Quatre was speechless. He opened and closed his mouth, but he didn't formulate anything. He couldn't refute what I say. He couldn't defend himself. He knows he's being stupid. At least I hope.

Ariel sobered up rather quickly, thankfully. She looked back and forth between us as if she expected an explanation. Unless Quatre said something earlier I don't think she even knows about the pregnancy scare. I kept silent.

Quatre rubbed the back of his head nervously and said softly, "You're right. Crisis diverted and over. At least as far as Hilde is concerned…."

"What does that mean?" I continued to glare at him.

He didn't look at me when he said one word, "Wufei."

"Pardon?"

"Wufei," His tone was clearer and more precise as if he thought I was hard of hearing.

"What does he have to do with anything?"

"I realize your relationship is fake, but does Hilde know that? An even better question… does Wufei know that?" Quatre said coolly.

"It was his idea."

"Actually it was mine. He simply filled out the finer details of it."

"Which accentuated my point." I crossed my arms. "I'd hope he'd realize that since it was his plot."

"Then he did, but has anything changed?" Quatre asked.

"No!"

"He kissed you." Quatre pointed out.

Actually I kissed him, but that's not important. "It's just to get to Brent. And obviously he had struck a nerve. Or maybe I did." I gestured wildly at my black eye. Before I could say anything more, my phone started to ring. I picked it up without looking at it.

"Look outside the window." It was Wufei. He stalking again?

So, I walked across the living room. And pulled the long curtain from the huge windows. Someone forgot to dust. I felt like I wanted to sneeze. "I see nothing."

"Look at the main gate." He informed me. I had to maneuver a little to see it from the window. There was a burgundy Camry at the entry gate. It was closed of course. Brent. Now my day is complete.

My voice betrayed part of my panic, "He knows I'm _here_?"

There was a chuckle at the other end. "He stopped at your house after you had left. He knocked at your door. When there was no answer he left. I followed him. He's getting out of the car now."

Thankfully Quatre had made his way next to me so I didn't have to explain the situation. He clearly saw it. There was an annoying buzz sound. He glared at Ariel, though she made no move or comment. He went to an intercom on the wall and pressed a button, "You are not invited."

"Does he know how to use the intercom?" I asked when it was clear Brent wasn't going to speak.

"Maybe he doesn't want to speak. Maybe he came here to finish the job on you?" Quatre glared at me. He looked to Ariel.

She suggested, "The police?"

"It would take a long while for a response," Quatre sighed and then groaned mournfully, "If he managed to still be there when they arrive he's not necessarily doing anything wrong except maybe blocking the drive way. He parks on the street problem solved." He thought for a minute, "I could conjure up a restraining order."

"That might provoke him," I gestured to my eye.

"You can bring him up on assault charges along with the restraining order. He punched you at school and then decided to follow home and then here… so maybe stalking and attempted assault?"

"Still a slap on the wrist." I argued. "And then what? Do you really think that would stop him? The law won't protect me! It never has." Memories flooded through my mind. Every bruise inflicted on me from the dozens of people that was supposed to protect and care for me, even the police themselves had a crack at me. "The very institution of so called justice betrayed _me_! No, Quatre… the only way to handle this… is an eye for a eye."


	41. Gift

Darkness Within  
Chapter 42 Day 10

……..

There was a lot of debate about what we should do. Quatre was on the fence about staying inside or going out and approaching him. I was scared and very angry. Of course I wanted to confront the asshole. Ariel was pressing the earlier idea about the police. I dared her to do it and she would see I was right. The police wouldn't stop this. It's hard enough to pin child abuse on an adult. When it's just a couple fucked up teenagers it's taken even less seriously. It's just a black eye. That's the way they'll see it. They might even silently cheer him on. Like the coach. It was clear the coach didn't like two guys together. He'd take care of it. Pfft.

By the time we stepped out of the door Brent was gone. Wufei's car was sitting where Brent's was. Wufei was out of his car and poking at something on the ground. Quatre and I decided to run. We both sprinted over there. Wufei didn't bother looking up. The only acknowledgement was him saying, "Brent left you a gift."

"Who?" Quatre asked.

There was a flimsy white box similar to those they use to wrap up clothes at department stores. Wufei was using a rather long stick he must've found nearby to pick at it. "It wasn't addressed if that's what you're asking. I'd assume you since this is your house. The gifts start."

Quatre didn't comment except an order, "Throw it away."

"Not until we see what's in it." Wufei said seriously. "If it's a dead animal, maggots or anything like that… might be wise to dispose of properly."

"Or a bomb…." Quatre backed away from the fence.

The lid slipped off. Wufei bent close so I imagine it wasn't a bomb. He grabbed something and lifted it out of the box.

"What is it?"

Wufei held an envelope. He tore it open and the look on his face was of surprised and then amusement, "This could be very awkward if it weren't meant for Quatre." He slid the envelope and its contents through the bars on the gate. Quatre accepted it and blushed. I snuck a peak. It was a picture of a tall man with freakishly long bangs bending over and sucking face with who I could only assume is Quatre. It was clearly taken at school in locker row. Wufei sounded amused, "I could imagine why Brent stuffed you in a locker. You could lighten that up a bit."

Quatre rubbed the back of his neck clearly nervous.

"And what do you call what we did at water polo?" I asked pointedly.

"That was for show. We want to piss off Brent. Quatre is clearly in love. But don't stop there… there's more pictures in that envelope and it looks like almost a dozen more left in the box."

Quatre groaned. "Let's get this inside." He leaned in through the gate and quickly typed in a four digit number into his number pad and the gate made a couple of metallic noises. Quatre stepped back. The gate slowly opened. Wufei got into his car with the box and remaining envelopes.

Quatre skimmed through the photographs on his way to the house. I didn't see them until he slammed them into my chest after he entered. Ariel was on the couch staring at us. She was clearly waiting for something from us. Quatre said mournfully, "He left photos."

If she had a reaction I didn't see it. I skimmed through them. Thankfully, they weren't all of Quatre and his former boyfriend. There was a couple more of them arm and arm, but the rest were of just Quatre standing around. Nothing really interesting. "I'd say Brent is bordering on obsessed with you."

Wufei came in the door about then. He started to divide the photos and then paused at Ariel. "She's not going to look at these is she?"

"I don't care." Quatre said mournfully. "The worst so far is kissing."

"Have you ever done anything in public?" Wufei asked in all seriousness. I gawked at him.

Quatre didn't seem surprised about the question, "That Brent would see… I don't think so."

"He's your stalker." Wufei pointed out.

"I thought you were going to get him after you?"

"Maybe giving you these are his way of saying goodbye?" He shrugged. "Before we speculate farther what the pictures contain or mean… we should view them. A picture is worth a thousand words." The smirk on his face was a tad disturbing. He reluctantly handed a couple envelops to Ariel and then gave me three.

The pictures were again of various single shots of Quatre. I have to admit some of them looked almost like a professional took them. There were some that were clearly taken in a hurry. The last photo I found showed what looked like to be a barn. It didn't have Quatre in it far as I could tell. I handed that to him. He looked at and then turned pale. His hand flew to his mouth. "There is no way this could've been taken without getting on my property…."

Wufei took the photo and looked at it. "Calm down. Cameras have a zoom function. Let's not jump to conclusions until we know for sure. Have you ever seen him with a camera?"

"Never. You?" Quatre asked alarmed. He shook his head. Quatre was angry, "You are stalking Brent! How can you not know of this?" He waved an envelope at him.

"I can't be following him twenty four hours a day every day! It wasn't until recently I found out he had been following you beyond school. Some of these photos can't all be recent." Wufei said the last sentence as if it were a question. "You're not with Trowa anymore, right?"

"Right," Quatre said mournfully.

"Quatre…." Ariel called out softly. He abandoned his pile and came rushing over. Probably fearing something she's seen. He took the picture in question and examined it carefully. Then he handed it to me. It was of Quatre and me at the park! Thankfully it just looked like we were talking and whatever it was we were saying at that moment it was clear I didn't like it by the annoyed expression on my face. Ariel spoke again, "Quatre… not that picture… the others…."My heart stopped at least a couple beats. No! I ran over there and tore the pictures out of her hands. The next picture was of my shoe. I was a bit confused. Only Brent would be able to explain that one. It was on a side walk so it couldn't have been at the park. Then some random shots of me with Quatre or Wufei at school.

Nothing interesting until I came across me naked and cutting myself on my thigh! I was in my bathroom. I could even recall this moment. Brent saw that! I jumped at the fact I just noticed Quatre and Wufei were looking over my shoulders. Now they know. I bit my lip. Oh what I'd give to be able to disappear at this moment. Quatre had no trouble getting the photos out of my hand. I didn't want to look at it anymore any way. I feared looking at anymore, but I couldn't possibly let them know what was in them without me knowing. I reluctantly watched as he slowly took that picture and slid it to the bottom of the pile. The next one was of me changing in the locker room. I was merely pulling up my P.E. shorts over boxers, but it was still a bit disturbing. Out loud I thought, "Wouldn't someone notice him taking pictures in the locker room? Would he get his ass beat for that?"

"It looks like you're alone…." Quatre said carefully.

"I don't even know the last time I dressed out for Phys. Ed! This had to been before I met you…."

Wufei commented, "No one said they were in chronological order, though… some of them seem like it."

"So, Brent was stalking me before?" I asked alarmed.

"Not that I was aware of. He could've just seen you in the locker room one day and…." Wufei shrugged. "There are no doubts now. Brent is attracted to you."

"Then why the fuck punch me? It would make more sense if he punched you. Of course you'd assume it would be all about the whole you being his friend and all, but really it would've been a jealous rage."

Wufei chuckled, "The stalker often thinks he's in a relationship with his victim. He might've punched you because he felt betrayed. Like you cheated on him."

I chewed on my lip. That was not a good thought. Then I got to thinking about Trowa and Quatre, "But Quatre has been his victim and he didn't seem to be jealous of his relationship."

Wufei shrugged, "I have no idea. Maybe he was living vicariously through them. I can't answer for Brent. But these pictures are a good thing." Quatre made a noise in his throat that was clear he thought the same thing I did. No. Wufei went on to explain, "This gives us more answers."

"You mean more questions," I supplied.

"There's one more envelope," Ariel commented reluctantly and waved it. Quatre took it and tore it open. Relief washed over me when it was just random shots of me standing around at school. There was one with Wufei and me eating lunch. Oddly enough the weird guy that usually reads against the tree was in the back ground. I didn't remember seeing him that day. He was staring… at me? Wufei? Brent?

"These aren't too bad," Wufei commented. "A bit disturbing knowing he was lurking around somewhere." He pointed to the nerd and said ominously, "I know him…."

"Oh?" I asked.

"His name is Hero? Heero? I don't know him personally, but he's a couple of my classes. I've seen him talking with Trowa." Wufei shrugged.

Quatre looked, "Heero Yuy. He's in a couple of the other photos too." He commented but didn't seem alarmed by this. I'm freaking out of my mind! Everyone is suspect now.

The last photo was me on the bench with my math book. It was clear in the photo I was about to cry. This had to have been taken when Wufei started to talk to me. "Wait a minute… Brent didn't have a camera for this. I'd know. He was playing basketball and then he was gossiping to Wufei about my sexual preferences."

Wufei made a noise in his throat, "Oh, that day." He paused. He was probably going over the events. "I didn't see anyone else with one either. You know what we need to do…." He didn't wait for an answer, "Find out where the camera was."

"Wouldn't that be a bit hard considering we have no idea what camera took this?" I asked.

"We can experiment." Wufei turned to Quatre, "Can you get the best camera you own?"

"Assuming I'd have more than one?" He asked incredulously. "Sure." He got up and disappeared in the hallway.

Wufei explained, "Quatre is obviously well off and I doubt he or even his father would settle. They'd get something really nice. We can assume Brent would have something similar just to be on the safe side. These are almost professional quality and it's clear they are done in different types of lenses. So, the photographer must know a bit about cameras. Some of these photos are a bit… suggestive and dangerous. I don't think they were just developed anywhere."

"Brent have his own dark room?" I suggested. Ariel didn't seem interested in the conversation. She excused herself and made her way to the kitchen.

Wufei nodded, "Possibility. We live in a digital age, so there are all kinds of possibilities. If it's okay with Quatre… I'd like to take the photos or at least a few of them at a time and see if I can come up with some answers."

I didn't like that idea. "Wufei…." The image of me cutting myself was still fresh in my mind. It was unnerving.

He quickly went over that pile and handed me the photo I didn't like. "Just take it."

"Wouldn't Quatre notice?"

"I'll talk to him if you want, but really if anyone should own this… no one has more right than you." Wufei put a hand on my shoulder. He looked me right in the eye for a moment before he leaned in and kissed me! He's kissing me! No way… I've got to be imagining things.


	42. Don't Ruin it - Friday

Darkness Within  
Chapter 43 Day 11

a/n: reviews are my fuel.

……

Slowly I became aware of my surroundings. It was clear by the chandeliers hanging from the ceiling I was at Quatre's house. More specifically I was in his living room on a plush rug next to the couch. Of course this means it wasn't a nightmare. Looking around at the piles of photographs nailed the horrible reality in me. Damn.

It wasn't until I tried to get up that I realized an arm was around me. My eyes slowly followed the arm to the shoulder and eventually Wufei's face. His eyes were closed and his breathing was even... so I'm guessing he's asleep.

Slowly I pushed the arm off me. It fell to the rug without disturbing him whatsoever. Sleep was probably a best bet. I don't think I've ever seen him asleep. Usually he wakes up before me or maybe pulled all nighters? It was strange looking at him without his intense gaze looking back at me. Looking around I didn't see Ariel or Quatre. The house was eerily silent save for a ticking clock. Odd I've never noticed that before. Glancing around I couldn't find it, but it wasn't a priority. It's Friday and I'm still suspended. I've given up on the idea of a shrink, not that they have ever done me any good. So, no plans.

After a good yawn and a stretch I pulled my phone out of my pocket. No calls. Not even from my mom. Did anyone inform her I was here? She waited this long. She can wait a bit longer.

The picture of me and Quatre at the park stared accusing at me from one of the piles. God, why can't you let me forget about that day? About that year…. Torturous… traitorous memories….

Movement caught my eye. Wufei rolled to his back, but his breathing stayed even. I really didn't want to deal with anyone right now. Grudgingly the only bathroom I know the location of was in Quatre's room. He might be in his room. It's just a risk I'll have to take.

His door was closed. I knocked. No answer. Knocked louder… he could be asleep. Slowly I opened the door. It creaked, but his attention is what I wanted to I welcomed the noise. His bed was empty and made. Hard to say if he actually slept there. The bathroom door was shut too. Wow I looked like hell. The image in the mirror on the door glared back at me. At least the bruise around my eye was fading. Not that it mattered. Brent would probably add to it later. Of course next time he won't catch me off guard.

I knocked on that door too. No answer. Louder. Still no answer. I hesitantly opened the door. Empty. I walked in and closed the door behind me. I turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on my face. I really wish I hadn't woken up.

Those photos were real. Oh, God... that meant…. Slowly I pulled out the one from my pocket. My hands were shaking. I really didn't want to look at the photo, but I couldn't help it. I was staring in horror at myself in it. Brent not only saw it he captured it! The picture made an accusing noise as I tore it in half. What the fuck am I going to do? I ripped it again. He knows! And again. It turned into confetti all over the counter, in the sink and some scattered on the floor. All the little torturous fragments still glaring at me! I didn't fight the tears. I let them fall. It's useless to fight them anymore….

A knock at the door startled me. It was Wufei. "He wasn't on the property! He was just outside the fence." Why was Wufei so excited about his discovery? He might not have gotten on Quatre's property… but he got on mine. It's not safe there. He continued his excited tone, "I've mapped out the locations he would have a clear view of from the fence with the camera. It's not much."

Cut me….

"Duo? You in there?" He called to me. He didn't wait for an answer he opened the door. I was probably a pathetic sight to behold. Unkempt hair. Wrinkled clothing. Eyes swollen and red from the endless tears. God… help me.

Wufei put a hand on my shoulder. He said softly, "I'm surprised you didn't destroy it sooner."

Still even as he was standing there looking at my reflection in the mirror… the tears kept coming. My voice was hoarse and thick with emotion, "Why didn't I die that day?" I really didn't want to know Wufei's reaction, but I had to look. I expected pity or disgust. His expression was serene.

He simply said, "You weren't meant to."

"I have no idea how I was saved. I remember everything until I passed out. There was so much blood…. How was I robbed? I was in the shower! No one ever bothers me in the shower…."

He shook his head, "Don't dwell on what could've been. You have a second chance. Do you really want to waste it on trying to figure out that puzzle?"

"Don't give me that crap. I never had a chance to begin with…."

"You can't mean that." Wufei frowned. And then shook his head. He suddenly said, "Why don't you make your own chance?"Okay so first he says I have a second chance… and now he's agreeing I had none? What the hell? I rolled my eyes. He sighed. "How about… you start today? Today is yours."

"What about Brent?" I asked him in alarm.

"We are gated in with alarms. He can't get in without making a lot of noise. There is a back gate the Winners rarely use and Brent has given no indication of knowing its existence if you'd like to get away. We are invited to stay as long as this lasts."

"Seriously?" I gawked at him. He nodded. Wow. "Where is Quatre?"

"School," He stated it as if it should've been obvious. He did skip yesterday!

"And… Ariel?"

"She's married with kids," as if that were a real answer.

"Mr. Winner?" Whom I have yet to meet.

"At work. He's a corporate executive, but he is intelligent about economics and finances. Someone worth knowing."

"So, bottom line is we're here… alone?" I asked.

"Unless you count six housekeepers, five gardeners and three stable hands. Then yes." Wufei nodded.

"_Six_ housekeepers?" I gawked.

"There are more than thirty rooms in this place. You probably wouldn't see them unless you looked for them. They have a rigid schedule and forbidden to Quatre's sector of the house."

"Quatre's sector?"I said in disbelief.

"Kitchen, that living space we were sleeping in, his bedroom and beyond that. It's Quatre's responsibility."

"You stalking Quatre now?"

"No. When I found out he was essentially leaving us here… I thought it might be wise to ask about the comings and goings on the property." He didn't sound offended about my accusation.

"So… we're alone?"

"Basically." His gaze was intense as ever. I felt like I was under a microscope. "Does that bother you?"

"A little." I confessed. "Yesterday…." I couldn't finish the sentence.

"Was a bit overwhelming? You'd prefer to be alone?" Wufei equipped.

"Yes. No! I don't know…."That wasn't exactly what I was going for. I leaned back on the bathroom counter and stared down at the tiled flooring. "Not that is matters much what I want. After what I've done and been through… you probably have me on some suicide or cutter watch. Especially after that image…."

Wufei sighed, "Quatre seems to be leaning in that direction, but I'm not. He probably assumes preventive measures would save you. This would be wrong. It might actually push you farther than you would originally go. No one likes to be smothered."

"And you?" I inquired.

"I'm simply here. I do want to help you, but I cannot be much help until I know what's going on. I haven't asked nor has Quatre divulged that information to me. He is trustworthy."

My voice was thick with irritation. "He's already told you. You just don't realize the implications yet." Wufei looked very confused. I said quickly, "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Very well."

"We're alone." I reminded him. He nodded. Just to be sure I walked over to the door. I locked it. When I faced him he looked rather confused, but didn't question it. It probably wasn't necessary, but I whispered, "That kiss…."He clued in instantly, but said nothing. "I was under the impression this…." I gestured helplessly, "between us… was strictly to irritate Brent."

"It is, but you needed a distraction." The weight of those words were in his eyes. He saw I was crumbling. He kissed me to help me get some grip. The image on that photo was burned into my memory. Again I didn't fight the tears. It's useless anymore. Wufei's gaze softened, but it was clear he didn't know how to react. Last time he kissed me. It wasn't much of a distraction, but it was better than nothing. I grabbed him and pulled him into a rough kiss. He tensed, but it didn't take him long to react. Soon he was kissing me back. For a moment it was bliss.

When we parted we awkwardly retreated a bit of a distance from each other. He sighed, "Duo...." My heart was pounding. I was near panic. It took a few beats for him to say anything more, "Maybe we should rethink the arrangement?"

"Don't ruin it," I begged and assaulted him once more with my mouth. I still had no clear cut answers of what was behind his kiss last night. But I do know what is behind this. I just want for a moment to forget….


	43. Coming Out

Darkness Within  
Chapter 44 Day 11

……

Of course forgetting has its draw backs. Each forward step I take I just seem to fall back by two. It was awkward between Wufei and I. He managed to deal with it okay. He went right down to the Brent business. He was thinking out loud so I finally could follow his logic where Brent was concerned. Mostly it was trying to get some more answers from the photos. He had out a calendar he found somewhere in Quatre's house. He marked on the calendar when the photos were taken as well as some events. The uncomfortable part is he wanted to know when I was with Hilde, when I committed suicide, and all manner of things. He wrote down where he was too on the dates, including when he was stalking Brent and where that led them. Wufei looked over the calendar carefully, "Brent wasn't alone in taking the photos, if he took them at all…." He got up abruptly from the living room floor and stopped in stride, "I'll be right back." I wasn't planning on following him. I was analyzing what he had written on the calendar. Wufei was right. There were so far at least a dozen times so far that there was no way Brent could've taken the photos.

Wufei sat back down rather nervously. He made another mark on the calendar. He shifted, "Brent didn't take that one…." I looked at him confused. "The photo in the bathroom… Brent didn't take it."

Oh shit. "Someone else knows?!" I panicked.

He looked just as alarmed as I was, "There is someone else involved."

"Who?!" My stomach started to turn. Tears welled up.

Wufei reacted quickly. He grabbed me and forced my face into his chest. He said insistently, "Breathe." It was one thing to suspect it… a whole new thing to know for sure. Suddenly a phone rang. All the fucking timing…. I ignored it. From the sounds of it… it was laying under the couch. It went silent after several rings only to ring again.

I picked up the phone and said into it, "Not a good time."

"Is that anyway to talk to me?" Came the stern voice of my mother. Oh crap, just what I need. She's probably mad I didn't come home last night.

"I'm sorry, Mom. It's just been a rough couple of days…. I'm sorry I didn't come home."

Her voice was calmer then, "I wasn't home either. I should be the one apologizing." So, if I didn't say anything she never would've known I hadn't been home. Interesting. She sounded worried, "I found something in the mail addressed to you. I opened it…."

"If it's about skipping school or grades or something… can we discuss it later?"

She sounded hesitant, "It was a photograph."

Oh, God… I think I'm going to be sick. "Uh.. of what?" Please don't be of my cutting! Anything but that….

"You're with, what's that boy's name? He looks a bit oriental."

"Wufei?" I supplied. He looked at me. That was a relief.

"You're kissing?" And the relief was short lived.

"Um.. are we sitting on benches?" I asked. Wufei raised an eyebrow. I picked up one of the photos and mouthed the word, 'Another.' To him. He nodded, but still was intent on listening to my conversation.

The silence was long enough to get me to start wondering if she hung up, but she finally spoke, "He's not wearing very much."

"It's a Speedo, Mom. He's on the water polo team. It's their uniform." I rolled my eyes, though I agree with her. Wufei looked like he wanted to be amused, but wasn't sure. She didn't respond. I sighed. I stated as if it weren't obvious already, "He's… my boyfriend." I pushed speaker so Wufei could hear what she's saying.

Big mistake. "Have you…?" She started. Have I… slept with him?

My face flushed, but I answered, "No."

She sounded a bit relieved when she asked, "You sure it's wise to be dating…?"

Probably not considering the last couple of days, but I wasn't about to admit that to my mom. And I wasn't about to tell her the truth about it all… so I decided to take it another direction. "Look, I really didn't want you to find out this way."

"Are you sure you're gay?" I really don't like the direction this is going.

I bit my lip, "Mom…."

"I'm just worried about you getting hurt and… I can't believe I'm saying this… if you do decide to… have sex-."

I cut her off immediately, "have protection?" Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've learned that lesson.

Amazingly enough I read her mind, "It's not that I am encouraging you… I rather you didn't. I'm just worried about you getting hurt again."

"Mom!" I yelled at her. I snuck a glance at Wufei and he looked surprised. "I got to go…." I just hung up.

"Does she know about Hilde?" Wufei asked, much to my relief.

"God no!"

"What did your mother mean about hurt again?" There's the question I was afraid of….

"Nothing…." I bit my lip. It was clear he knew it was a lie, but he let it slide thankfully. Not going to tell him.

He said instead, "I'm assuming the photo was taken at the pool."

"Yeah, with us kissing."

"I figured that much with how abruptly the conversation turned." He shrugged and moved on to business, "Brent was very pissed and slugged you. Highly unlikely he snapped a photo before he slugged you. Let's assume he didn't take the photo. It was someone that was there. Who? Someone from the team? I don't recall anyone but the team members and the coach being there….


	44. Frienemies

Darkness Within  
Chapter 45 Day 11

a/n: no worries I haven't given up on this fic.. I hope no one else has either… .

…

Wufei had claimed this was my day and he was very adamant on me deciding what to do. Aside from going on a serious angst trip… I really had no idea. If Wufei wasn't watching me like a hawk I probably would've started the trip ages ago. The marks all up and down my arms and my leg itched to be reopened. I wanted to scratch at them. My fingers quivered in anticipation. There was no way I could get away with it now. Everyone knows. Wufei is probably just waiting for me to crack. Would he stop me? I look over at him. He still had that unnerving stare. It's like he could see through me. Great, I sound paranoid. The itch was getting more intense. I bit my ring.

What is this going to turn into a staring contest? Does he even blink? I shrugged, "I don't know…."

He smirked, "It's still your day… but I think I know what you need." He shoved to toward the door. He spoke into the intercom, "We've decided to use your services today." I gave him a puzzled look.

A bored voice came back, "Yes, Master Chang."

Master Chang? Before I could question him he shoved me out the door. Soon a limo pulled up. This has to be a dream.

'Master' Chang gave me a grin, "Stop gawking. Quatre insists."

A large fellow, the driver, stepped out and of course came around. He looked an uninterested glance at us and then opened the door without a word. I found myself being dragged into it. Soon as we were inside and the driver shut the door I asked, "So… what are we going to do.. cruise town? Go through the McDonald's drive thru? Or this one of those piss off Brent kind of days and we're actually going to show up some fancy restaurant like a date or something?"

"I already told you this is for you. Just you and you'll thank me when this is all over. I think you could use it."

"Use what?"

"You'll see." He rolled down the privacy window with a button overhead and gave the driver an address I didn't recognize, but it was in a residentual area if I recall right, "Your house?"

He gave me a strange look, "No. You'll never guess so don't try. Just relax. Have a coke." He gestured to the minibar. "Hmm.. looks like there is scotch there too." He shrugged. It must've been stocked for Mr. Winner. He a scotch man? Wufei gestured to other parts of the limo, "Blast the stereo system. Open up the sunroof and scream at people on the side walk. Live it up!"

I couldn't imagine him doing any of those things.. why is he insisting I do it? And besides few people understand my music. I doubt he was one… but he did insist. It didn't take a second to figure out the controls for the stereo. I found my favorite radio station. They were playing a local band. They did a support your local artist hour every week day. I turned it up and looked over at Wufei expecting him to change it or complain. He did something unexpected… he started to thrash his head to the busy music. He likes it? Or is he humoring me? Either way the music is still going. Pretty soon I was emmerced in it. The screaming and energetic music calm me. I could sleep to it. It baffles most people. Wufei just seems like the type that it would baffle.

I was so into the music I had missed on the fact we'd stopped until the door swung open. Hesitently I stepped out. It looked like an ordinary house. An old two story with the paint chipping and the yard slightly over grown. The only thing that set it apart from the rest of the houses was oriental characters on one of the windows.

"Trust me." Wufei said easily from behind me. Trust isn't something I just give away. I gave him a suspicious look. He told the driver that we'd call when we needed him. The driver nodded. He took out a pack of ciggarettes and decided to light one.

Wufei shoved me up the two stairs onto the porch. He opened the door. It had a bell slung over the knob on the other side so it made a noise when it opened.

Inside had a fighting ring you'd expect in wrestling or something. There were punching bags and all kinds of equipment around. I gave Wufei a strange look.

He walked around the ring and picked up huge padded gloves. He threw them into the ring and got in himself. He ushered me in. He want to fight? Didn't we get suspended for this crap?

He put on the huge pads and got in a defensive position, "Take your best shot."

"You want me to hit you? Are you insane?" Isn't this the whole reason behind being suspended?

"The gloves are padded." He grinned. I humored him and hit one of the gloves. He shook his head, "Pitiful. I know you have tons of pent up anger. Release it. This is a healthy and safe way to do it. Come on. Get angry."

"What makes you think that?"

"Come on. You were pissed off I tried to take gum out of your hair and that I was friends with Hilde. Kinda pathetic reasons. So, I figured there is a lot more to it. So, let's get it out. Right now." He clapped the gloves together and got back into the defensive stance. He sighed, "You need to let your anger go. It's eating you alive and it's not helping you make friends."

"My 'friends' aren't helping me make friends," I quickly shot back.

"Good. Tap into that. These," He clapped the gloves together, "are every person who has ever done you wrong. These are the people you cared about that destroyed your trust. These are your enemies. These are the Brents of the world that photograph you at an unguarded moment." That was the trigger. I swung a right fist into one of the gloves. It had Wufei rock back with a surprised expression at first, but it turned into a grin. "These are the Hildes that talk behind your back." I swung with my left into the other glove. This time he was anticipating my force so he didn't move. "These are the Quatres that abandoned you when you needed them most." My right.

"This is for the foster parents that hit me." My left. Wufei nodded. He slapped the gloves together and got into an even more better defensive position. My right. My left. Right. Left. Right. I pounded into those gloves seriously imagining them really being the people that hurt me.

"Whoa! Whoa!" Wufei called out. He was sprawled on the floor with the gloves over his head. I stopped. Before I could apologize for getting carried away he was laughing. "This is good."


	45. Overwhelmed

Darkness Within  
Chapter 46 Day 14 Monday

a/n: I have NOT abandoned this fic. I am going to keep writing it until it is complete.

….

I woke up with a start. My hand pressed against my chest, my breathing heavy and I looked at the clock. Fifteen minutes before the alarm. Some of a dream lingers. I was at the church, but the weird part is it wasn't a memory. The dream was a violent fog with Hilde in the habit chasing me with a ruler, Brent was also in the nun habit. This would be hilarious on its own except he made one scary nun. He had a candle and threatened to burn me saying something about hell. I ran into a confessional to escape. I didn't so much see Wufei. He was the priest and I recognized his voice. I was blubbering like usual. He was trying to reassure me in his usual calm demeanor. I kept telling him I wish I could confess, but I couldn't. He said I only needed to confess to God and I will be forgiven. Then Brent bursts into the confessional. He drags me out and throws me to the ground. His goons start pounding on me as he says, "Yeah, lucky." Doesn't make much sense and even stranger still Hilde is no longer a nun but a visage of the Virgin Mary.. at least in the kind of clothes Virgin Mary wears in most her sculptures and paintings. I highly doubt the Virgin Mary would be hitting me and shouting, "Faggot."

The dream was written into the journal. I'm not sure why I even bother with this thing anymore after lacking a shrink. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I quickly finished the entry and slid the book under my bed and quickly got dressed. Just as I was lacing up my boots I see Wufei in my doorway. He comes in and closes my door. "Brent's car is parked a couple blocks from here. I don't know where Brent is." He was looking beyond me. I turned. My blinds were closed. I understood where he was going with that and yes, I am a little paranoid.

"You used to be one of them," It wasn't a question, but he nodded. "Would you know if any of them live nearby?"

"Not even close." He sighed. He answered my next question before I asked it, "He's not lingering outside your place… at least not at the moment."

"So... what now?"

"We walk to school." He said simply, but the look in his eye said something else. What was he up to? "You still have my jacket?"

"Yes…." I grabbed it out of the pile on the floor and put it on. "We're still going to play house?" He didn't answer, but I suppose he didn't have to. We walked outside together. He linked his hand in mine. It was awkward as hell. I knew he was up to something. He kept looking around as if expecting to spot Brent or something. He slowed his pace when we got near Brent's car.

Suddenly Wufei grabbed my arm and shoved me downward. He crouched next to me. Before I could ask I heard voices. One clearly Brent's saying, "I don't fucking care!"

A second voice I didn't recognize said, "My part is done. It's over."

"It's far from over," Brent said angrily. "You'll regret this."

I peaked over the car to see Brent and that weird guy from lunch standing next to the Camery. My heart skipped a beat when the guy looked directly at me. I'm so dead. I'm dead! He smirked and looked back at Brent, "You can play stalker all you want, but I'm done."

Brent got into the car spewing various curses and drove off. I stood up. Wufei tried to grab me back, but I resisted. I explained, "He knows we've been here."

Wufei looked surprised for a bit, but then he leapt after the weird guy… what did Quatre say his name was? Soon they were both wrestling on the ground. Oddly the only one throwing punches was Wufei, which were being dodged and blocked.

"Wait!" I called out. Of course Wufei was beyond reasoning then. I grabbed him and pulled him off. I held on to him, but addressed my question to the weird guy, "Why didn't you tell Brent we were here?"

"He's dead!" Wufei struggled against me.

"He doesn't need to know." He said simply as he was dusting himself off. "Clark and Mason are meeting up with him at the park. I suggest you hurry if you don't want to miss it." He shook his hair out and several pieces of grass fell.

Wufei stopped struggling, "Wait… why are you helping us?"

"I saw something I wasn't supposed to," He looked directly at me and as if I should know what he's talking about. "We never spoke. Hurry!"

Wufei grabbed me and half dragged me back to his car which was at my place. He broke several laws getting to the park. He parked behind a grassy hill in an empty lot. Were we the first here? He got out of the car and barked at me to stay put. Fuck you, I'm going. I follow him up the grassy hill that overlooked a sand box and play set. It too was empty. He growled, "Fine. Stick close and don't do anything stupid."

"Like beat their ass?"

"You are outnumbered and even if the two of us could take them on it wouldn't help anything." _Now _he's deciding to be the rational one! "Let's listen in and see what is going on." Fine. So I followed him across the park. There was a line of trees and thick overgrowth. Wufei followed along the overgrowth and abruptly stopped. He motioned for me to get down. There was a clearing hidden by the over growth. It looked like someone had a party a while ago. There was a burn barrel, beer cans all over the place, cigarette butts and a few things I rather not mention. It was a hell of a party.

Two of the water polo guys were standing around as if they were waiting for something. Suddenly I was being pulled backward and into Wufei's arms, but I doubt that was his exact intension. He turned me around and pointed toward the hill. Hilde was making her way up it. Fuck me. Really?


	46. Brass

Darkness Within  
Chapter 47 Day 14 Monday

….

Shit. Shit. Shit. How the hell-? Why-? What the fuck is going on? Hilde just showed up. Wufei half dragged me away from Brent's goon party. He grabbed her and yanked her and moved behind the hill. He glared at her, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Whoa! Usually he's more diplomatic than that.

Hilde looked confused. She shook her head and looked at me, "I saw you two take off and I really need to talk to you."

"To us? Not about us?" I asked. It was a bit weird she showed up for this meeting too.

She shook her head and said flatly, "Fine. You know what fuck off." She turned around and just walked away. "I'll take care of it myself!" She flipped me off and got in the passenger seat of a car. I couldn't see the driver. As it was pulling away her hands covered her face… like maybe she was crying? That just seemed a bit odd.

Wufei and I exchanged glances. He was as clueless as I was. I asked, "That mean she's not here for that meeting?"

"I don't… think so. Maybe she genuinely wanted to talk to us?" He shrugged. "We don't have time for her drama." He went back up the hill. He said something I couldn't catch and came back down. "They are gone."

"Where could they have gone?" I asked.

"Maybe they saw us. We aren't exactly discreet when Hilde made her appearance." Neglecting to mention that was a bit his fault.

"Maybe she warned them." I suggested.

Wufei laughed, "I don't think she's in with them."

"What now?"

"We go back to Heero." Wufei decided. I didn't argue. We got back into the car and made the short drive to his place. He was actually standing outside his place leaning on a car in the drive.

"How did it go?" He asked.

"It didn't," Wufei made it sound like an accusation. Could Heero have warned them? It would be strange to tell us about the meeting only to warn them. Unless it was a giant mind fuck. Heero just shrugged as if it were nothing. Wufei looked like he wanted to clobber him again. I debated on if I should stop him this time. "You have some explaining to do?"

"I was helping Brent with his little project and I decided I was done." That wasn't much of an explanation.

"We figured that out by the conversation." I was starting to panic. He said he saw something he shouldn't have. Did he… take the pictures? "How did you help him?"

He put his hands up in a defensive position, "I supplied the equipment." Wufei started to come at him. "Wait. You never would've seen those photos if it weren't for me."

Wufei and I exchanged glances, "What?" It was Brent that brought them how is that possible?

"I convinced him to turn them over." The way he said convinced was rather menacing. He continued, "I figured when you informed the police that he was stalking you that there wasn't much of a case without proof. Maybe the photos would help you."

"Police?" Wufei asked.

"You didn't call the police?" Heero looked back and forth between the two of us. "Hmm. Well the police started poking around."

"Start from the beginning. How do you know Brent?"

"He started going to the photography club." He said as if we should already know that.

"And he asked you to borrow equipment and you just… let him?" Wufei growled.

"He said he was after catching a rare bird and said his camera just didn't have the capabilities to capture it." Heero shrugged. "The equipment is often borrowed and we hadn't had an issue until now."

"Then he wanted a dark room… photo printer…."

"He never asked. I offered to develop them because I had my own dark room. He wanted to do it himself. I showed him how. He took over and was very secretive about the photos. I got suspicious."

Wufei nodded, "What did you see?"

"At first it just looked like photos of friends. You're a jock and I've seen you hanging out with Brent last year and then you were getting cozy with Maxwell and Brent followed Maxwell and Winner to the park… so I assumed everyone was friends." He said friends as if it were a question. "So, I allowed it despite it not being for the purpose he said it was for." Heero shrugged. "It was the last set of photos that bothered me."

It felt like I was just punched in the stomach. "You saw it."

"You mean them."

"Them?" I asked. Oh, I'm going to be sick….

"Didn't he give you the photos?" Heero asked. "There are several of you." He made a slicing motion over his wrist.

My knees gave out on me. Wufei caught me. I felt light headed. He managed to support me up right because there was no way I could do it. "There are more?"

Heero looked confused, "Are you telling me he didn't give you all the photos?" Suddenly he grinned and it was creepy as hell. "This is perfect."

I must've blacked out because the second I had my wits back I was staring up at the sky. I started to sit up when a hand pressed me back down. It was Wufei. He looked concerned. "Take it easy."

Heero looked bored. He had his arms crossed. "He is fucked."

Wufei gave him a nasty look, but didn't respond. Brent has more photos? I felt a little dizzy. "You okay?"

I wish I were dead. He knows… everyone knows. I leaned over preparing to be sick.

Wufei grabbed my upper harms and hauled me to my feet very suddenly. Through gritted teeth he said, "Don't do that here." What? He carefully, but firmly grabbed my wrists. Oh, I was scratching…. He begged, "Please, not here. You need to get yourself together." He stared at me but then sighed and guided me home.

"I cannot go home." I said weakly.


	47. Wuggly Bear

Darkness Within  
Chapter 48 Day 14 Monday

a/n: This is very dark and I'm actually a little insecure with it because I went there. I know I have the brass to post this, but keeping it there… might be another story.

…..

Sitting on my bed, ear buds shoved in my ear, hands cupped over them, music blasting and my door shut is how I chose to cope. Of course this sanctuary was invaded already by Wufei, Quatre and Heero. They were talking amongst themselves while I tried to tune them out. I could see them gesturing and talking if I chose to look at them. I could only make out a few words here and there, but when I decided to sing to my music I couldn't hear a damned thing. It was beautiful. Heero only glanced at me when I started doing that. When the part in the song vaguely suggests suicide Quatre stopped his talking and gives me a severe expression. He grabbed my music player and the buds yanked out of my ears. I stood up about ready to kick his ass when Wufei took the player from him and handed it back. "Let it be," Wufei said.

"He's listening to suicide music! You really think that is wise?" Quatre shot back.

"Let it go," Wufei glared. He does have a very wicked death glare. He very awkwardly put the buds in my ear. Then he tilted my chin up and maybe wishful thinking as I was waiting for a kiss. Instead Wufei said, "Fuck!" The music was still blaring and I didn't so much as hear what he said, but saw the vicious word form from his mouth. He turned and it was obvious Quatre was getting an earful. He looked vaguely uncomfortable. I was focused on Quatre and almost waiting for him to say something when my lips get attacked. I was dumbfounded for a fraction of a second and then I found myself responding. He climbs up onto the bed and practically straddling me without breaking the kiss… well more like make out session. For a moment I almost forgot there was anyone even there with us until Quatre pulled one bud out and gently, "You both mind?" Wufei did get off of me slowly and I had to quickly shift my body.

My cheeks turned red. Wufei cleared his throat, "I thought Heero was going to try to get us more information on that meeting? And you were going to check Brent's haunts to see if you can locate him." Heero immediately turned around and left without question.

Quatre crossed his arms, "And you are going to do what exactly? I don't think-."

"Precisely, you don't think." Wufei gestured to the door. Quatre didn't budge. Wufei pushed him out. Quatre pulled Wufei with him. A second later Wufei came back in and shut the door. He had a blush across his face. He said through clinched teeth, "When this is all over I'm going to stuff him in a locker."

"He wasn't that bad." I commented. Wufei held up a condom. Whoa!

"I don't understand him. He keeps saying you shouldn't have sex, but he gives me a condom. He worried it's like your cutting? The sex I mean."

I collapsed on the bed and buried my head under the pillow. My nails dug into the palms of my hand. I can't breathe. Seriously. I remove the pillow and sit up. I still can't breathe! I keep trying and it's like I'm not getting enough oxygen. I feel sick. The room looks a little funny. Shit, what is wrong with me?

"Duo?" Wufei was looking at me strange.

"I feel sick." Seriously, I think I'm going to vomit.

Wufei's looks relieved, "Duo, calm down." Yeah, easy for you to say! I feel like I'm dying! I cannot breathe! My heart is racing. "It's a panic attack. If you calm down it will go away. I'm right here. Just breathe normally. Listen to my breath and try to go with that." Okay, I can somewhat breathe. My heart is still racing and I still feel really sick. "I'm going to walk over and lock your door and I'll be back." He did exactly that. He grabbed my wrist and put something in my hand. I looked to see a pocket knife. One of his, I guess. He said, "Do it."

"Are you insane?" I asked. No one ever wanted me to do it before. Was this a test?

"I won't tell anyone you did it again as long as you don't tell anyone I am enabling you." He said.

"Yeah, but people already know. How would I hide it?" I still cannot believe he's doing this. He didn't answer my question. "You're serious?" He nodded. "Why?" Oh, I wanted to so badly. I quickly took my shirt off. I extended the blade and put it against my shoulder. Wufei watched. I couldn't read his expression at all. I changed my mind. I put the blade lower just above my elbow. I sliced into my flesh watching Wufei for a reaction. It felt euphoric. It's like a drug. My breathing was slow and steady and perfect. My heart didn't feel like it was pounding anymore and I felt great.

I chose that location so if I wanted to re-experience it later I cross my arms and no one will be the wiser. Except, Wufei. He took the knife back. I asked again, "Why?"

"You had a rough day and honestly, I'm afraid we're going to lose you if this keeps going like this. I thought this might help at least for the time being." Wufei said somberly. I couldn't stop them, the tears came. "How do you keep the blood off your clothes?" He asked rather abruptly. I laughed, but it sounds really pathetic. He pulled me into his chest. He suddenly hissed in pain.

And suddenly I realized he cut himself too! Exactly where I did! "Wufei!"

"We're in this together," Wufei winced a little when he dug into his wound… just as I was at the moment. I let go and so did he. This was really strange. I don't even know what to think of this. This is crazy!

"It's not any crazier than what you do." Wufei replied. I must've said that out loud.

"Yeah, but I have a reason. I'm hurting. You're just… testing me! This is a sick way of trying to get me to stop isn't it?"

"I'm hurting too. I care about you."

"Bullshit! No one does. Not really. And how far do you plan to take this? What if I…." My voice broke. Damn fucking voice! The tears won't stop. "What if I did it again? Would you?" He didn't answer. I took the blade from him and sliced across the recent one I did. He tried to take the knife from me and ended up cutting a couple of his fingers in the process. He still cut the same way I did wincing while he did it. Blood was dripping from his fingers, down his arms and splattering on the bedding. "Stop it! I glared at him. He didn't move. Idiot! I got up and got the first aid kit from the bathroom. The cuts weren't deep, just messy. Tears kept coming. "Bastard." I wanted to cut more than ever now. I want to die! Why hadn't I died that day? I knew where the knife was. I was shaking fiercely. I sobbed, snotted, cried and was a literal mess. I screamed into his shirt. "I hate you!"


	48. A Moment

Darkness Within  
Chapter 49 Day 15 Tuesday

a/n: Sorry this was a long time in coming. I have most of chapter 50 ready so maybe I can pull my once double update scheme.

…

Fifteen minutes before the alarm. I didn't actually set it, this time. Slowly I became aware of my surroundings. Wufei's lap was my pillow. I was being poked in the cheek. I blushed and started to sit up. His arms were draped over me. His breathing was even and deep so I assumed he was still sleeping. I slowly got up trying very carefully to get untangled without waking him, but it was futile. His arms fell off me and he stirred. He was awake. It was no surprise he was looking at me when I finally managed to sit up. He was blushing too. I bite my lip. He looks at my lip. "Sorry…." He apologized. This was really awkward.

If this were any other time I probably would've had a dirty suggestion or two to deal with his morning wood, you know, half joking. Part to break the uncomfortable silence, part to tell him it's not a big deal and a lot of wishful thinking on my part. I just don't have it in me to go there. So the uncomfortable silence persists. I was considering just ducking out and taking a shower, but would he give me grief about it? It's bad enough Quatre gives me concerned looks every time I have to use the bathroom like he expects me to just off myself at any moment. I don't think I could handle Wufei doing it too and worse yet Wufei would want to cut himself in the process!

"Fuck me." Wufei clearly didn't mean it as an offer. His face contorted as if in pain. He grabbed his right ankle. He had it wrapped up, but from what I could see three of his toes were black and blue. I completely forgot about that.

"You okay?" Stupid question, I know. The answer was obvious, but I couldn't help it.

He groaned, "My foot is asleep." He looked like he was trying to move his foot around to regain circulation, but it clearly pained him to do so.

"It's a sprain, right? How long does it take for those to heal?"

"Usually two to three weeks, but it depends on the injury and I haven't exactly kept off it like I should. I don't have my meds with me."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I've been pretty doped up on pain killers." He grinned.

"Gotcha. Do you need to go get them?"

"Soon as I get circulation back I'll be fine."

"What happened?"

"Didn't I tell you?"

"You called it a sports accident and I already pointed out to you that you play in the water."

"Right, sorry. We had already got into a fight and I didn't want to worry your mom."

"Hilde said you got into a fight with Brent."

He hesitated a bit, "It was a shoving match and I miss stepped. He didn't actually do it."

Then I remembered during our Saturday school Brent had a black eye, "What about Brent's eye?"

"That wasn't me, but I don't mind people thinking that."

"Was Hilde there?"

"No and I didn't tell her. She hears things."

"Why the shoving match?"

"It's what we do." Ah. I remember him pushing Brent into the water during practice. Brent and I often abuse each other. He's shoved passed me, into walls, cheese grated my face through a cyclone fence." And here I thought Wufei went untouched. He went on, "I've body slammed him, pushed him in a trash can and threatened to tell the school about Wuggly Bear."

"Wuggly Bear?" I asked amused.

"I was a friend of his. You don't think I have a long list of blackmail material?" Wufei looked smug. "I'm wondering if that is part of the reason he hasn't come after me."

"And I'm wondering why you haven't used it yet!"

"I have some honor, Duo."

"He doesn't know that! You can threaten to expose something of his if he doesn't back the fuck off, right?"

"It would have to be an even trade. I don't think Wuggly is enough. But… I might have something that would."

"What?"

"Uh… first I have to tell you I have been anything but a friend and then enemy to Brent." Wufei blushed.

"I never thought otherwise…."

"Quatre has, I wasn't sure if he had been filling your head or maybe you might've of thought that on your own." Wufei got up. I grabbed his wrist. "I'm just going to get my bag. I'll have to show you what I have on Bent."

"Your shirt," I told him with alarm.

He looked and saw the blood that made me panic. He stripped off his shirt and looked lost as to what to do with it.

"Just shove it in my bathroom. I'll figure out what to do with it from there."

He just left with his shirt off. It would be interesting if my mom saw him walking out of the room like that. Unlike him, when I got up I grabbed a shirt with sleeves, then proceeded to follow him. Before I was to the door he was back with his bag in his hand. He bumped me with it and pointed to my room. So, we went back in my room. He shut and locked the door. Soon as he did he threw the bag on my bed. He grabbed a book from inside and thumbed the pages until something small fell out of it. I picked up from the ground. It was photo that had obviously been cut from a larger one. It was Wufei leaned back into Brent who had his hands snaked up Wufei's shirt.

"What the fuck?"

"I told you nothing happened. Brent took some e… and it got a little weird as you can see."

"He is kissing your neck!"

"Nuzzling," He corrected.

"You're leaning into it!"

"I was drunk."

"Right." I didn't believe him. Oh, I believed he was drunk, but not that it was a valid excuse. "You have this and never used it?"

"I have some honor, Duo."

"Fuck that! You have to use this!" I was thrilled. We have something on Brent!

"Hold on," Wufei said calmly. "I want to set the stage for this."

"Dude, he's stalking us!"

"Do you want him brought down?" He asked. I nodded vigorously. "One picture is not going to be enough to do that with, but I have an idea. Trust me."

I kissed him. He seemed surprised for a moment, but then grabbed my elbows and pulled me into him. He opened his mouth and seemed a bit hesitant about it. Soon as we started to make out I leaned back trying to take him to the bed with me. Instead of following through he let me drop the bed and thus ending out make out session. He hovered above me looking at me critically. He sighed.

"Fuck. What is it?""


	49. Champion

Darkness Within  
Chapter 50 Tuesday

…

There was a knock at the bathroom door and no surprise it was Wufei, "Duo?" God, I wasn't gone that long! Probably trying to check up on me. I opened the door, but I let my loose hair hide my face. I started the shower. It didn't take long to get warm so I stepped into it. Of course Wufei stepped in behind me. Couldn't I have just a few more minutes alone? I wasn't going to kill myself. I just need to think!

It was the fastest shower I've ever had. I dared to look at myself in the mirror. I looked like I've been crying. Damn it! I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have slept with Wufei! And now I was blubbering like an idiot. It was perfect. No pain. No awkward questions. No talk about my rape. Nothing.

The water squeaked off. I closed my eyes for the evitable. Wufei stepped out. "You okay?"

I shook my head. Might as well be honest, right? And of course he's waiting for an explanation. I bit my lip ring. He grabbed a towel hanging on a rack and draped it around me.

"Do you, uh… want to cut?"

Kind of. That road just leads to a giant mind fuck so I just shook my head. I pushed him out of the bathroom and quickly shoved him in my room. I pushed him on the bed and pressed my lips hard on his. He was very surprised. Not that I blamed him. He had a hard time keeping up with my advances, but he allowed it. I just wanted to feel him beneath me. His naked body still wet from the shower felt amazing against mine. I sagged against him and just cried into his shoulder, blubbering and snot included. He smoothed his hands over my wet hair.

"Duo?" He asked.

I was sobbing so hard there was no way I could get words to work. Why is this happening now? I wasn't thinking about anything. I just felt guilty, awful, and ashamed. I don't understand why.

"I'm sorry," Wufei whispered. He gently pushed me off him and met me eye to eye. "Duo, forgive me. I need five minutes." He quickly put on his pants and walked out my room. I was naked, so I wasn't about to follow him. I looked around for something wear and I was going to try to find him when I heard his voice. He was in the backyard. I walked over to the window and I could finally hear him clearly.

"No, don't. I'm just… having a moment. Because you're the only one I can! I understand. We'd had our differences, but we are on the same team. And right now I really need you to tell me I am wrong, suck it up and get back inside." There was a long moment of silence. "It doesn't matter. Just tell me I am wrong." His voice was strained and he cleared his throat a couple of times. "Tell me I am wrong. That's it. This is not up for discussion." His voice broke. "Fuck, you seriously know what I'm talking about… don't you? Don't tell me that! I'm right, aren't I?" At first I thought he ended the call, but then he started speaking again, "What do I do?" He paused. "I don't think so. No. It's… You know what fuck you. You won't even help me, so why should I even tell you that?" I heard a crash and he yelled, "Bastard."

Putting clothes on the run I nearly tripped, but I managed to get it together and dash out into the backyard. I reluctantly approached Wufei. He was pinching the bridge of his nose and it was clear he was crying. In one swift movement he twisted around and kicked a stack of crates. He growled in what could only be frustration.

"'Fei?" I asked. What's going on with him?

He took a deep breath and cleared his throat. "Okay. We're going to Quatre's. And a couple of guests he probably isn't going to like. I just… need to convince them to show up."

"What's… going on?" I don't like this.

"Don't worry it's about Brent." He started dialing on his cellphone. "Hi, Quatre. No- shut up. I need you to see a picture." He nodded at me. The picture of Brent and him dancing? Interesting. "I have a couple pit stops I have to make, but let me in when I get there. Thanks." He hung up. He put up his index finger and dialed another number. "Yeah, I don't know if you know me… um. Quatre needs your help. I understand that and I wouldn't be asking if it wasn't important. I'm Wufei Chang. Yeah, that one…." He looked a little nervous. But sighed, "Look, I hate to get involved like this, but Quatre wasn't cheating on you. He was keeping a secret, but it wasn't that." Oh my God. Wufei was talking to Trowa? Quatre's ex? Seriously? Wufei mouthed to me, 'I hope you don't mind.' Whatever. "I have one hell of a story to tell you. And a lot of it you are not going to believe. But I do have some photographic evidence that might change your mind about things." There was a long pause and then, "I appreciate it. Thank you. I could be there in twenty minutes." He smirked at me when he hung up. "He doesn't trust me, but telling him I know something he doesn't know of course he is willing to listen."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm not playing matchmaker. I'm just going to get Trowa to trust me." He sighed and looked at me carefully. "This is going to sound vastly insensitive and I apologize for that. Um… would you mind if I made it sound like you were Quatre's charity case?"

"What?"

"That he was helping you through something. I won't get into specifics about it or tell him about anything. I'm going to play the charity case too and that through it… we kind of ended up together. In a vaguest sense it is the truth."

"And what are you hoping to gain?"

"Trowa's willingness to cooperate. Because I was Brent's friend and watched him stuff Blondie in the locker I do look like the bad guy. I need to fix that. And since now we're friends with Quatre he probably would like me even less." He sighed. "I'm not exactly blaming you, but… in a way it is kind of your fault they broke up. Maybe if I clear up that mess maybe I'll win Quatre's respect?"

"But I slept with Quatre…."

"He doesn't know that and I'm not going to tell him. If you want to… that's within your right, but I advise against it. I think if anyone is going to tell him it should be Quatre." He paused thoughtfully, "If… you have feelings for Quatre… I'll change my plans." He looked nervous. It wasn't a question, but he looked like he expected an answer.

"Okay." I was still a bit reluctant. Not because I cared about Quatre, but rather I didn't like the sound of the plan.


	50. Breaking Point

Darkness Within  
Chapter 51 Day 14

…

After we got out of Wufei's car at what I assumed was Trowa's house Wufei grabbed my arms and forced me to face him… "Duo… thanks." Before I could ask his lips crushed mine. I couldn't help but give in. He eased out of it and urged, "Trust me." I simply nodded. He intertwined his fingers into mine and we walked up to Trowa's house holding hands.

The door opened before we got there. I recognized him from the photos Brent gifted us. "What is he doing here?" Trowa's voice was deep, but smooth. The question was loaded with accusations, but his tone was without any hint to emotion.

Wufei squeezed my hand. "This is Duo."

"I know who he is." Trowa leaned on the doorframe and crossed his arms. "You said you had a story for me. I'm listening."

Wufei took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I didn't stop Brent. I know I've done a terrible wrong to you and Quatre both by standing aside and letting him torment you."

Trowa sounded impatient. "You said Quatre was keeping a secret and that it wasn't what I thought. What makes you so sure and why are you telling me this rather than him?" He had a good point.

"Would you have listened otherwise?" Wufei countered. He immediately apologized, "I'm sorry. That was incredibly out of line. I've been listening to Hilde too long myself. She made it sound like you were this overbearingly jealous boyfriend. I'm sorry. I don't actually know you or know the circumstances. And I know Quatre hasn't been cheating on you and I've become friends with him, so naturally I'm a little defensive of him."

"And he sent you instead of being here to plead his own case?"

"He doesn't know I'm here and would have a serious problem with it if he knew. I doubt he'd ever tell you himself." Wufei winced. "Sorry. It's the truth. And I'm not trying to fix your relationship. That's between you two. There is something more pressing going on. I'm just explaining this so you understand and maybe willing to help Quatre knowing he's always been faithful."

"What was this big secret?"

Wufei looked at me. At first I thought he expected me to say something. Instead he squeezed my hand. He mouthed, 'I'm sorry.' He pulled back my sleeve and showed the angry crisscross marks up and down my arm. Wufei gasped. He turned my arm over and studied the marks. The word 'misguided' in sharp angles was carved in my skin with angry gashes running through it. He looked confused, but didn't comment. I bit my lip and twisted my arm away. Wufei said quietly, "Duo nearly died… Quatre took it upon himself to try to help Duo through a rough time. Duo has support, but no one really put effort into getting Duo to talk about his problems, but Quatre did."

I dared to look at Trowa. His expression had softened and he was nodding. Trowa offered a half-assed smile, "Sounds like something Quatre would do." He sighed and asked, "So, where do you come into this? I thought you were Brent's friend?"

"I used to be." Wufei recounted about how he grew up with Brent and everything he told Quatre and I about that, including what he suspected Brent of. Wufei didn't mention anything about the stalking or photographs. He went from retelling his adventures with the dirt bag, but then made a sharp and abrupt subject change when he said all he could. "Quatre set us up!" Even Trowa was confused. Neither of us had to wait for an explanation. "Quatre orchestrated us to be together." He looked at me abruptly. "You were right… all this time. I didn't see it. He wanted us to be together."

"Well, duh." I responded. "He practically threw me at you. Where have you been?"

"No… you thought he was doing it so he could pass the buck on to me and free himself of your drama. He's still been there to help you. Obviously it wasn't to unburden your problems. He set us up to be together. He knew."

"He knew what?" I asked.

He ignored me. "He's known all this time. That bitch."

"I'm lost." I stated.

He shook his head, "I… um we'll sort that out later. This isn't the time for that. I came here to champion Trowa to our cause.

"No. What has Quatre known?"

"That I'm bi."

"What is wrong with you? I came to that conclusion. He didn't believe it."

"That was a ruse. He was trying to get me to admit it. Remember I was dodging the question?"

"So he decided to hook you up with the only guy he knew would swing that way?"

"Don't be obtuse. Hilde told him I'm attracted to you."

"What?" I asked.

Wufei swallowed hard. "Well, I'm sure she put it another way, but yeah. I really don't want this conversation right now." He looked up at Trowa. That caused me to. He had this amused expression on his face.

"You're attracted to me?" I asked.

"Come on genius have you forgotten what happened this morning or the numerous other moments we shared since we met?"

"You told me it was a distraction."

"I lied!" He closed his eyes and looked away.

"Why?"

"Come on… you have this track record…. I just assumed I wouldn't ever mean anything to you. I had no idea what you've been through." His voice cracked. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath.

He knows. "Quatre told you…."

"No. He wouldn't even tell me after he knew I figured it out this morning." He said mournfully. "Why didn't you tell me? I could've seriously hurt you… maybe I did… the way you acted…. Duo, I am so sorry. That's the last thing I want to do." He brushed away some tears and cleared his throat. He looked up at Trowa. I followed suit. Trowa looked a bit uncomfortable and understandably so. Wufei said in frustration, "Now you understand why I didn't want to have this conversation?"

"I'm sorry," Was the only thing I could say.

Wufei cleared his throat, "So, Quatre's responsible for this." He made a gesture linking us together. "I am sorry that your relationship suffered as a result."

Trowa nodded, "Our relationship has been troubled for a while and it was inevitable. Really I just wanted an excuse to end it. Another one would've come along. It's not your fault."

Wufei sighed, "Look, I'm not trying to get you two back together. He didn't send me. He's not the bad guy. Duo is very troubled as you can see and if anything he's more a victim than the bad guy. That's all I really needed you to understand. I know Quatre is your ex and I completely respect that. It's just there is a situation that's well over our heads. I figured you did still care about Quatre enough to want to help with the situation. After it's all over I promise I will never bother you again."

"With Hilde?" Trowa assumed.

Wufei and I exchanged looks. Wufei shook his head, "No, Brent."

"Why didn't you say so in the beginning? I've wanted to do something about him for a while."


	51. House Call

Darkness Within  
Chapter 52 Day 14

…..

A/N: I noticed I could create a cover for this story. I was thinking of fabricating one myself. What would you like to see on it?

…

Quatre's gate opened soon as Wufei's vehicle approached. Quatre was waiting for us on the large porch. He did not look happy. Of course we're bringing Heero and more notably Trowa with us. Wufei jumped out of the car as fast as he could and intercepted Quatre. He held hand to the blonde's chest and spoke to him for a while. The only thing I heard was him telling Quatre the rest of us were going to be inside, I'm guessing to give Quatre and Trowa some privacy. I wish Wufei had thought of that when we when to Trowa's. Wufei, Heero and I made our way to the living area of the house. April was there. Wufei asked her, "You mind showing Heero those photos?"

"I've already seen them," He protested.

"I don't think you've seen all of them and we need to know what others we need to wait for." Wufei insisted rather harshly.

Wufei dragged me into Quatre's bedroom and locked the door. He rubbed the back of his neck. "Duo…."

"We don't have to have this conversation now. The one where you explain what the hell that was about on Trowa's porch. One where you pretty much declared your feelings for me. I'm not letting you have that conversation or allow you to put pressure on me to tell you how I feel about you or what this relationship is or will be. I'll stop you now."

"Duo, I just-."

"No. It's not fair! No to me or you. It doesn't matter what you say. You can tell me there is no pressure all you want, but I'll still feel it. I'm drowning here. For the last few days I've wanted to kill myself. Don't do this to me now!" I felt like an asshole saying all this, but I needed it said. Wufei looked alarmed. "I want to cut so incredibly bad you have no idea… but you took that from me! You put your life in my hands. That's not fair! Yeah, you win. For now. But… even after I committed suicide and felt guilty I still cut days later. You saw! How long do you think I can go on like this?" I couldn't look at him in the eye. I was so ashamed. I confessed, "I am so afraid…. Of what I might do… I hadn't intended on killing myself…. I was in a shower… all those memories I repressed becoming real and… I just cut and cut and I wasn't aware what was going on until I had already carved up my arm and by then…. I really didn't care anymore…. What if that happens again?"

Wufei looked like a caged animal. He was looking around frantically. He awkwardly stepped toward me he grabbed my wrists and pulled me into him… pinning my arms between our bodies. He held me tight. "I am so sorry Duo…."


	52. Revelations

Darkness Within  
Chapter 53 Day 15

…..

Oh, man…. I opened my eyes to find my equilibrium off. My mouth was dry. And I really need to pee. I tried to get up but couldn't quite right myself. I was tangled in Quatre's sheet and hit the floor face first. I tasted blood. I saw stars and felt really groggy. The bastard drugged me! I stood up and very slowly made my way to the bathroom grabbing on every surface and wall I could keep myself from falling over. I knocked a few things to the floor in the process, but all that mattered is I needed to relieve myself and fast. I sagged against the wall over the toilet. I heard the bed room door creek. Wufei must've heard me fall.

I walked out the bathroom and screamed. It was Kingsley! What the fuck was he doing here? My reaction startled him too. He turned around with a hand on his chest. I was naked so I grabbed a towel that hung on the door and quickly wrapped it around my waist. "I didn't know you made house calls."

"Normally I don't."

"This isn't my bedroom." That was oddly important for me to clarify. He didn't seem the slight bit interested in that. Maybe he already knew?

"Sit down," Kingsley gestured to the bed. This was weird. I made the slow crawl back the bed. He looked at me strangely, "Are you okay?"

"I was sedated and still feeling a little of the effects."

He nodded, "Okay. Do you know why I'm here?"

"He didn't tell you?"

"I was told it was urgent nothing more."

I'm not sure if I believe him, but I knew why he was here. "I told my boyfriend I wanted to kill myself."

He raised his eyebrows, "You have a boyfriend?"

"Yeah. I suppose you want to know how that makes me feel?" I giggled. I shook my head to snap out of it.

"Last time we spoke do you remember what we discussed?"

"Yes." I stated. He didn't say anything after, but he kept staring at me. I suppose he wanted me to elaborate. I didn't want to. "I remember it exactly."

"You told me a little bit about your abuse."

"I'm not talking about that right now."

He moved on, "You said you were experimenting with friends… sexually?" I nodded. "Are you still doing that?" I wasn't sure exactly how to answer that so I said instead, "I have a boyfriend."

"Have you been intimate with him?"

I giggled again. "Yeah."

"When was the last time?"

"Yesterday. I think. That's assuming today is Tuesday, then yesterday."

"Walk me through that experience."

"You want details?" I asked astonished.

He ignored me the question, "How did it start?"

"Sex with my boyfriend?" I asked. Kingsley nodded. "We were in my bedroom and started fooling around…."

"Did you talk about sex beforehand?"

"No. We were making out and it just lead to sex."

"Does he know about the rape?"

"I… think so. He didn't when we had sex, but I think he figured it out because after."

"What happened after?"

"I don't want to talk about it." I toyed with a corner of the towel I was wearing.

"Duo, with your type of traumas it's normal to experience some sexual dysfun-."

"No!" I stood up. "I rode him like a beast and I had no problem getting up, staying up or getting off!" I yelled at him "There is no dysfunction!"

He looked at me calmly and gestured for me to sit back down. I plopped back down on the bed, "Dysfunction doesn't necessarily refer to your body's response. Your body's response really isn't a surprise or even an indicator of enjoyment; merely a physiological reaction."

"Excuse me?"

"Pressure on the prostate can cause erection and ejaculation even during trauma or an unwilling-."

"Or straight guy?" I asked suddenly amused.

"Precisely. It's a-."

"So, you're saying I could be straight?" I giggled again. What the hell drug was I given? I felt… good, aside from the dry mouth and still disoriented. I think I'm going to need a 'script for this.

"It's possible. It's normal to want to explore your sexuality after what you've been through. Sexual development is a confusing time and more so when you were-."

"Are you telling me what you think I want to hear?"

"Not at all. I think it's important to reassure you that everything you're feeling, experiencing and exploring is perfectly natural."

"Nobody else is going through this…."

"I'm thinking you might benefit from a support group."

The idea disgusted me, "A room of other victims all wallowing in self-pity? I've got enough of my fair share. No, thanks."

"You aren't alone and it would be very empowering." He said trying to be encouraging. I wasn't going to take the bait.

Then suddenly I realized, "Where is everyone else?"

"Pardon?"

"Wufei, Quatre, Trowa, and Heero?" I glared at the closed door. Could they be listening in?

"There was a bunch of guys outside when I arrived. Mr. Winner directed me where to find you."

"Quatre?" I asked.

"No, his father."

"His father is home?!" I was alarmed. "Does he know?!"

"I don't know what Mr. Winner knows."

"What did he say?"

"Only where to find you."

"Was he the one that called you?"

"No. Mr. Chang did."

"But Mr. Winner was expecting you?" I got up and flew across the room. I had opened the door when I realized I was in nothing more than a towel. Why was I naked? Last I remembered I was fully dressed. I sighed and made my way over to the armoire. I grabbed a shirt and some slacks because I didn't have time to figure out where mine were. I debated on underwear for a fraction of a section. I know wore his before, but it just seemed a little wrong considering I'm with Wufei now. So I didn't bother. Besides it was quicker forgoing. I quickly put pants on. I threw the shirt on and decided to button it on my way out.

The living area, kitchen and back yard all looked empty at a glance. I rushed to the foyer and swung open the door. No one. I ran barefoot outside. I hadn't even thought about shoes and stepped on a few sharp rocks. Finally I found Wufei. He was sitting with the other guys under the shade of a tree sorting through photos. I ran up to him and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. Everyone looked up at me. I shoved Wufei away from the group. He took the hint and walked out of range of the others. "Duo. You haven't been with Kingsley long…."

"You called him?"

"Yes. Duo, I didn't know what else to do. This is well over my head."

"I thought you have been in my shoes?" I accused.

Wufei leaned in unnecessarily and said in a barely audible whisper, "I wasn't raped."

"What did you tell Mr. Winner?"

"The same thing I told Kingsley. You need some help. Mr. Winner knows about your suicide attempt so he wasn't the least bit surprised."

"Did you tell him?"

"No. I didn't tell him you're thinking about doing it again either."

"Why did you drug me?"

"I… it was Quatre's idea."

"You told Quatre?!"

"I'm in over my head! What do you want me to do?"

"I slept with him!" I yelled. That drew attention from the group. I lowered my voice, "And I'm wearing his clothes. Without underwear." The look on Wufei's face was priceless. That probably wasn't the best thing to say at the moment…. I shook my head, "Why did I wake up naked?"

"You had blood on your clothes."

"What? I haven't done anything?"

"Yes. You did."

I rolled up my sleeves. Sure enough there were vicious scratches down the length of my arms. I shook my head… I did that? I was suddenly unsteady. Wufei grabbed my biceps and held my weight up. "But why naked? I could've stayed in my boxers."

Wufei gave me a look. Oh no…. I placed a hand on my thigh. It was tender. I looked at my unkempt nails. A couple of them were broken, but they were all pretty long. I twisted out of Wufei's grasp and stalked toward the house. I could hear him following.


	53. In Good Hands

Darkness Within  
Chapter 54 Day 15

….

After throwing the door to Mr. Winner's office wide open suddenly lost most my nerve. I swallowed hard. The man was behind a solid oak desk cradling a phone at his ear. He said quietly into the phone, "We'll continue this tomorrow. You have a wonderful evening." He gently placed the receiver into the base. "Mr. Maxwell, is there anything I could do for you?" He said it with a smile as it I just hadn't threw the door. I was at a loss for words. He asked, "Would you like to sit down?" I shrank into one of the chairs in front of his desk. He studied me for a moment. "Would you like me to fetch my gentlemen?"

"Your what?"

"My man servant. I could get him to iron out your shirt for you or fetch a new one and if you need assistance with getting dressed…."

Suddenly I was really self-conscious. And like an idiot the buttons were off by two causing the shirt to look really ridiculous. I chuckled, but it turned into a sob. I covered my face and looked away. The medicine was wearing off. I coughed and cleared my throat. "I'm sorry about my appearance, sir." I didn't even want to know what my hair looked like.

He waved his hand in the air as if dismissing the comment, "If there is anything I can do for you please do not hesitate to ask. I understand you're seeing someone…." I bit my lip thinking about Wufei. "I'd like to take financial responsibility for that… if you'd allow me to." He pulled open a drawer and brought out a checkbook and a pen. "Standard rates?"

"T-That isn't necessary, really." Actually, I wasn't all that sure what the rates were or how my mother was managing it… especially if she really did take those days off. She didn't get paid leave. If she didn't work, we didn't get money. Or maybe the state was paying… I am ward of the state.

"It's the easiest thing I could do. You obviously are a heavily burdened young man. I would like to everything in my power to ease that burden. I've already taken the liberty to relieve you of your emergency expenses."

I swallowed hard, "So… you know?"

His gaze narrowed, "Mr. Maxwell, let me make this perfectly clear. I am willing to provide you the means to get the help you need for as long as you need those means. You are even welcome to stay here or I can set you up with a place, your family as well. I'll even offer a small settlement for your troubles. But if you think you can start any kind of lawsuits or allegations or anything that will drag the Winner name in the mud my lawyer will bury you."

I shook my head, "I-I wouldn't… I…am not asking for anything. Q-Quatre… just understands what I'm going through. I had no idea he's loaded and now that I know. I-I'm not looking for anything!"

"His last name is Winner!" His father shouted at me. "You cannot tell me you never heard of that name in this town. And if you didn't want anything why are you in here?"

"I… was just going ask for some nail clippers." Mr. Winner raised an eyebrow. He opened the drawer again. He handed me a pair of clippers. "What about a trash can?" He looked at me puzzled. "Unless you rather I get the clippings all over the floor." He reached under his desk and handed me the can. I placed at my feet and went to work shortening my nails. I was careful to make sure they made it all in.

There was a slight knock at the doorway. It was Kingsley. Of course I wouldn't be able to get away that easily. I ignored him and asked Mr. Winner, "Would you happen to have any athletic tape?"

"There should be some in Quatre's bathroom. If there is not inform my gentleman of it and any other needs you may have. He will be at your service whenever you have need of him. His name is Graves, just use the intercom. Is that all?" I nodded. Mr. Winner said, "And, Kingsley, when you're finished with your client would you please find your way back to my office. There are some matters I wish to discuss with you."

I gave Kingsley an alarmed look. Kingsley said cautiously, "I believe do is worried about privacy issues. I am obligated to an oath I cannot divulge anything my client discusses with me."

"See that you stick to it," Mr. Winner said smooth as silk. "I'm not interested in what you discuss with him. Only that is has results. Do, you understand, Dr. Kingsley?"

"Yes, Mr. Winner."

"Doctor, would you please return to my son's room. Duo will be along shortly." Soon as the doctor left Mr. Winner said bluntly, "How do you feel about Dr. Kingsley?"

"I don't know."

"He reeks of incompetence." The declaration stunned me. "Your mother has informed me his methods are unorthodox and concerning. That he has not been fully available to you. Your life is at stake! I would've suggested replacing him, but I am told that would be ill advised and that would devastate the progress you have made. Clearly my son's idea of progress and my own are vastly different. Do you feel as if you have made progress?"

"I guess," I shrugged.

"Well, if you're not satisfied or willing to have a second opinion…." Mr. Winner dug out his desk a small binder filled with business cards and handed me one. "He is the best. Don't worry about anything. All you have to do is call him. You need not tell me of your decision. Just call."

"Thanks…."

"That is all from me. If there is anything else?"

I shook my head and left his office. I took my time returning to Quatre's room. When I arrived the bed was fully made and Dr. Kingsley was sitting on a chair next to the bed that hadn't been there before, but I recognized it from the living room. Wufei had just walked out of the bathroom when I entered. I asked him, "Is there any athlete's tape in there?" Wufei shrugged and went back in. He dug through the cabinets and drawers until he found some. He tossed it too me. "Gauze?" He got some and handed them over? I looked over at Kingsley, "What's a good thing I can use to help retrain moisture, but not upset open wounds?"

Kingsley thought a moment before answering, "Vaseline."

Wufei grabbed that and some anti-septic ointment. I tossed what I had on the bed and Wufei followed suit. I unbuttoned the shirt I was wearing and tore it off in annoyance. I went to work on dressing up my wounds and Wufei assisted without me needing to ask. We both looked up at the same time and were just inches from kissing. We both looked at the other's lips. Neither of us moved. I grinned, "Vaseline is pretty handy. I wish we had some yesterday." Wufei flushed and backed away. He looked over at Kingsley who was of course watching us. "He knows."

Wufei looked at the floor and then back into my eyes, "It's not like it's a secret." He cleared his throat, "I'll… uh take my leave then?"

"You can stay."

"I don't want to interfere," Wufei looked alarmed.

"Why would you think that?" I asked.

"You didn't tell me you were raped…. You need to disclose whatever it takes to Kingsley that would help you heal. I don't want my presence stopping you from doing that." Wufei looked hurt.

"I'm sorry… At first I wasn't sure if I could trust you…. and then I started to actually like you. I didn't want you to treat me different because of it."

He nodded and smiled. "Okay. I'm going. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

A voice called. It took a few times before I realized it was my name. "In here," I yelled.

Quatre stood at the doorway, "Everything's okay?"

"I'm in good hands," I answered a little tensely.

"You mind if I borrow Wufei? Or… did you need him?"

"Go ahead." I sighed.


	54. Misstep

Darkness Within  
Chapter 55 Day 15

…...

A/n: I hope updating a handful of chapters in less than that many days some what makes up for the lack of updates the last few months. Right now I have crazy inspiration nagging at me...

...

After dodging another prod of his to get me to talk about the rape Kingsley told me that we could talk about whatever I wanted and he would listen, but he wouldn't be able to help me until I started really opening up to him about what brought me to him in the first place. He reminded me, "You told me you started opening up. What changed?"

"I just don't want to talk about it right now." I shrugged.

"Why?" When I crossed my bandaged arms he nodded. "How many people have you opened up to?"

"One."

"Who?"

"Quatre."

"Why Quatre?"

"He wouldn't leave me alone about being gay and I blurted it. And once you shout that you've been raped that's not a bell you can unring. He wouldn't stop asking me about it… so, I told him."

"Do you still talk about it with him?" Kingsley sat back and looked at me like he could see my soul or something. It was weird. I felt really exposed at that point. I shook my head. "Why not?"

"He hasn't asked. And I've been hanging around my boyfriend more lately."

"Do you feel you could still talk about it with him?"

"I don't know… probably not."

"Why?"

"He's been more focused on me having sex than anything." I held up my hand. "I am not talking about that either."

"Duo, I'm trying to help."

"I get it you're thinking Quatre and I not really talking might have something to do with me clamming up with you. Has it occurred to you maybe it's painful, incredibly embarrassing and right now I just do not want to go there?"

"Of course. It's natural for you to feel pain, embarrassment, and even anger and guilt."

"Stop it! Stop telling me it's natural. It's pissing me off. It is not natural what he did to me! So of course it's not natural for me to be this way." I took a couple deep breaths to calm down, "I'm okay."

Kingsley smiled, "Wonderful. You are making progress, Duo."

"It really doesn't feel like it. I still want to die."

"Those feelings aren't just going to go away. It's a process. Part of that you have already done all on your own. You broke the silence and you sought help."

"No. I blurted it… I didn't mean to. I've been hounded and harassed. I tried killing myself and then I was forced to see you. I didn't seek help."

"What about when you told Wufei you wanted to die? You had asked for help. That is progress." It didn't feel like progress, but he had a point. I smoothed a hand over my bandaged arms. I looked at my now clipped nails. Kingsley asked, "What are you think about?"

"Not much. Look… I know what I do isn't healthy. I just… don't know what else to do. Talking about it has made it worse. Before I said anything I'd cut once or once in a while…. I didn't even think about killing myself until I told Quatre. And now I'm marking myself up without even realize I'm doing it! In front of people!" I grabbed the blankets on the bed and brought them to my chin like a child would afraid of the dark. I wish it was the external dark that was worried about. That could be controlled with a night light. It's the internal darkness that I cannot escape…. "You know how I tried to kill myself?"

"I haven't been told, but I'm guessing it has something to do with your wrists?"

"No… I didn't slice my wrists. I mutilated both forearms! I got stitches! They've been removed of course. Recently… I dug my nails into them and had no idea I was doing it…. which is probably why I was drugged. I had no idea I even took anything. I'm guessing they spiked my drink or ground it up in the food or something."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Ashamed… betrayed… annoyed… angry… pathetic. I get it. It probably was for the best. I was losing it pretty quick…."

"Duo, you'd been silent a long time and never dealt with the trauma before. You have years of repressed feelings and emotions. It's okay to feel like you're drowning. I could prescribe something to help-."

"Is it really a trauma?"

"Explain?"

"I told you… it wasn't like I was attacked…. He actually loved me and cared about me. I was an orphan and he made sure I got bathed and clean clothes. He fed me well. He cured me of lice and treated my wounds. He made sure I saw a dentist. He did what parents are supposed to do. He did more than all my prior foster parents have done combined! He listened to me. He made me feel like a person. On the street I was treated like garbage at best or invisible at worst. In foster care I'd been beat and forced to work as if I were a dog. Father Maxwell made me feel… human." I shrugged. "That's not entirely wrong. He didn't force me… not really. And it wasn't all that weird really. In my street gang, not thugs, but a group of us... we looked out for each other. A friend of mine discovered if he met desires of certain people he'd have food or a bed for the night… it wasn't until later he realized he could get paid for that…. I tried that once…. I had been hungry for several days…."

Kingsley leaned forward, "What happened?"

"I went in intending to… but it reminded me of a foster home. I was roughed up-er beat. I booked it before anything else could happen." I shrugged. I know he was kind of expecting some confession there. He nodded, but I couldn't help wonder if he was disappointed. I know he's already trying to peg some psycho-babble on me and trying to find some other way to tell me why it was okay I feel the way I do. Me having some prior sexual deviance or exposure to it would probably go to greater lengths in explaining it. Right now I really don't need justification for how I feel. I don't care if it's justified or if I'm crazy. All I want is it to STOP!

When Quatre was questioning me it was highly uncomfortable, but I think I preferred that than this. I didn't feel so much like a lab rat. "How important is it that you know the specifics on what I been through?"

"Duo, this isn't about me. I don't need anything from you. But you need to work through your issues and the best way to do that is talk about it in a healthy environment. This whole thing is about you and becoming healthier. What you're revealing to me is that you are very intelligent and courageous. You cover came quite a bit on your own. Very strong. You are very caring and appreciate people that showed you even a small amount of consideration. You deeply respected people that cared. Of course you're defensive of them and want to justify what they have done. But, Duo, they did you a terrible wrong and deeply disrespected you."

"It's hard to see that. I understand I was a kid and that's wrong… even sick. But… it's not like I said no or really fought. In fact I kind of egged it on. I even sought him out later and initiated quite a bit of it. I liked feeling wanted."

"He was the adult. He should've known better."

"It's not that simple."

"It is that simple."

"Well, it would be if it were me coming on to you." Soon as I said that I saw worry cross Kingsley's face. It was just for a faction of a second before he hid it with his classic in control neutral expression. "See! We have no affection or chemistry. It would be very easy for you to tell me no. And easy to rattle of the multitude of ethical reasons why it's wrong and you know I'd understand each of them. You're not my type so I wouldn't take insult in it at all." I waited for him to fully digest my point before I moved on to the next one. He seemed to understand I was speaking theoretically not literally. "The priest and I had affection, but I already told you that. We also had chemistry. It's hard for people to wrap their minds around that since I was just a kid then, but it's not that much different than what I'm experiencing now."

"Explain," Kingsley ask.

"What?"

"What you're experiencing now that is the same as with the past."

"Uh-." I swallowed hard. I really hadn't wanted to compare my past with my present.

"What I'm hearing is that the only difference between then and now is age being the issue and that you don't think it should have been. But what of your actions, Duo? If you truly believed it was consensual I probably wouldn't be here right now discussing this with you."

I looked away and bit my lip.

"I understand you loved this priest. Like a father or maybe even like a boyfriend. But you know it was wrong what he did. You were at a tender age, just starting puberty. You were curious and he took advantage of you. I don't believe you could've consented. Maybe you thought you did, but I know you really didn't want to have sex with him. He molested you." That word. It's that word. The tears…. The sobs… just on the surface. "Duo, what is it you are trying to accomplish by minimizing his responsibility in this?"

Did he have to use that word? That filthy word. It's just a word. I clinched my jaw. Get angry. I was shaking… trying to stave off the tears and sobs. Then suddenly it donned on me. It's one thing to suspect, but it's a whole new thing to actually know for sure. "I never told you when it happened." Now I was truly angry.


	55. Falling

Darkness Within  
Chapter 56

…

For a very brief moment I was actually really happy to see Wufei. He came to check on me. I practically leapt in his arms. He wasn't expecting that so it took an awkward step backwards before he righted himself. I kissed him and started to work his pants off. He put a hand to my chest and broke the kiss. He looked like he wanted to say something and by the look on his face I wasn't going to like it. So I just turned away from him. Damn it. Instead he asked," So, how did everything go?" At least he had the decency not to mention the obvious tension between us. He found out I was raped and now he's awkward as hell.

"Peachy," I said harsher than I meant. I didn't mean it necessarily toward him. God, I hate myself.

He sighed and tried again, "The… session. How did it go?"

"Someone's been running their mouth off to him so I'm a little irritated."

"I am so sorry. I just don't know how to deal with you. I don't want you to die."

"That's not what I meant. I get it. I do need help. And thanks. I mean it."

"Really?" He looked confused, but happy when I finally turned around.

"Yes."

"Then… if it's not that what are you talking about?"

"He knew. All this time he knew. It's bad enough the whole point of a shrink is to get inside my head, but… why do they always like to insult my intelligence in the process? I told him I didn't want to pretend like he wasn't told anything. And he did it anyway! I don't like things being thrown in my face that I haven't told him yet or isn't common knowledge." I huffed.

Wufei shrugged, "I'm sorry."

I ignored him and went on, "And he used THAT word. That filthy disgusting word!"

Wufei looked confused, "I wasn't aware professionals used profanity. Well, not when they are being professional at least."

"It's not technically profanity, but it should be!"

Wufei chuckled and then cleared his throat. "Sorry, I really wish I knew what you were talking about."

"Just a word."

"What word?"

"I… can't say it."

And Wufei looked at me like I expected anyone would if they knew. Really confused. "You can't say it?"

"Nope. And if I gave you a hint… it changes the whole nature of the conversation."

"Okay, now I'm really curious."

"It's basically another word for rape."

"Oh," He frowned. And I was right. It took things down quite a bit. It sucked talking about this because I have no idea what he's thinking. I never really did. The one time I called him out was a lucky guess really. And now the one topic we've never discussed is suddenly right there. And he's got to be angry at me not telling him. I'm angry at myself for that! But instead of suddenly talking about it he says, "Sexual assault?"

"What?" I had momentary stupidity. "No. You do realize that's two words?"

He blushed, "Sodomy?"

That made me blush too. "No. Though, I don't think I'll be using that word any time soon…."

He seemed to understand that was actually a dig. He sighed, "Duo… I just need some time, okay? I understand why you kept it from me. But it still hurts… and I'm afraid I might've hurt you too…."

"You didn't." I tried to reassure him. He didn't look like be really believed me. Considering I cut myself and I don't consider that really hurting… I see the problem. I sighed. "Look... it was uncomfortable at first, but it felt really good. I mean really good. You didn't hurt me. The… crying thing…. I… am not really sure what that is yet, but it wasn't you. I've… done that before."

"With Quatre?"

Not sure exactly how to respond, "Um…."

"I know you slept him. It makes no sense pretending you hadn't. It's clear you have no intention of doing that again- did he hurt you?"

"No!" I shouted. "We… yeah, but not how you think. The first… you know… is intense…. And I practically begged him to. He really didn't want to. You're right he's probably more of a bottom anyway."

"Actually, I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

"You're my first." He confessed.

My jaw dropped. No way. "You were a virgin?" He nodded. I backed away from him until I hit… I'm guessing the armoire. "I'm so… sorry."

"Why?"

Because I feel guilty you asshole! But I didn't say it. I just shook my heard. My heart was racing. Great. A panic attack. This was getting old. I know this is stupid. I shouldn't be panicking. But… I cannot stop it. Breathe. As if by magic the door opened. I bolted out of the room and didn't even look at Quatre, but I did hear him accuse Wufei, "What did you do?" I didn't hear his response. I had no idea where I was going. I didn't want to run into anyone else… so instead of taking the right and being bombarded by whoever could be in the living area… I went to the left. I passed Ariel's old room with the million dolls.

Most of the doors were closed so I just kept going until I found the end of the hallway. It ended at a long, narrow and beveled window. Right was the only place I could go and it didn't look any more promising. I could probably hide out in a room I guess. It would take them some time to figure out which one? With how many people they can grab for a search party… probably not long at all. Crap.

A door clicked open I whirred around and saw a woman in a grey maid's uniform. She looked just as startled as I was to see her. Asked her, "Is there an exit… like somewhere nearby?"

"Only the servant's-."

"Perfect!" I was glad to hear it. She looked baffled. "And… if you tell me where it is and no one that I was down here… I'll owe you one. I don't have money, but… I'll think of something…." I found her name tag, "Mary?"

She just shook her head and pointed to the door she'd come out of. "Some of the staff likes to smoke out there…."

"Even better!" I exclaimed. She looked really baffled. I went out the door and that had to be Mr. Winner's 'gentleman' as he had called him. He as in a stuffy butler uniform you'd expect from 1920s England and a crisp hairstyle to match. He had large nose. He was an older fellow. He probably exceeded Mr. Winner by a good ten or so years. Unfortunately, right now I didn't recall his name. I approached him. He was leaning against the building smoking. I just took the cigarette out of his hand.

He snapped up to attention and coughed out, "M-Maxwell! My apologies. Someone else would've surely fetched me. You needn't search me out."

"This is more of a coincidence. .. and a dilemma." I took a puff on the cigarette. The 'gentleman' looked astonished. Before he could swipe it from me I offered it back to him.

He took it back, "Aren't you a little-."

"Young to be smoking? Probably." I shrugged. "I suppose you don't want anyone to know about this incident. Well, I don't want people to know I am out here."

He huffed, "No need for blackmail. I am ordered to accommodate you any way you ask."

"What if jumping off a balcony would accommodate me?"

"There are no balconies, sir."

That made me laugh. I couldn't help it. "Okay, we'll get along perfectly."

He flashed a grin, "Glad to hear it, sir."

"You can drop the sir."

"Very well, sir."

That made me laugh harder. "I'm sorry… I know Mr. Winner gave me your name… I just had one hell of a moment back there. What is it again?"

"Graves, sir." He informed me.

"Does he make you this stuffy?"

"No, sir." He smirked.

"You don't talk much."

"I am not sure how to respond to that, sir."

"But you wouldn't mind if I talked?"

"Of course not. I'd be eager to hear whatever it is you have to say."

"Ah ha! No sir."

"Sir," He smirked.

"I'll rid you of that habit sooner or later and it looks like sooner rather than later. This is good." I waited but he said nothing. "I am starting to miss your obsessive need to agree with everything I say."

He chuckled, "Glad to be of service."

"What about heavy topics?"

"I hardly understand your meaning, sir."

"Do you know what goes on in the house?"

His expression became guarded and he said very carefully, "I am responsible for much of the staff as well as attending to the mundane needs of Mr. Winner, sir."

"What about… Quatre?"

"If he has need of me, I would be glad to see to it, but he has not called on me." Still cautious.

"Do you know about his love life?"

"I don't presume to know," He said indignantly. That could mean anything. It could mean he doesn't like my question. It could be he knows, but doesn't like it. It could mean he doesn't know and rather not. There are just too many ways to take his reaction.

"What if I know something about it?"

"Good for you?" He seemed confused and really out of his element here. Perfect.

"If I told you something really juicy about it… how many other people would find out? Be honest."

"We are very discreet. We don't presume and we don't discuss such matters."

"But you're curious now?"

"I'm only wondering why we are even having this absurd conversation."

"I don't trust anyone."

"That's a hard way to live."

"I… just want someone to talk to. And I really don't want it to hurt Quatre."

"I assure you no one here would want that." His gaze softened.

"Even just gossiping about it might hurt him…. I don't want to be responsible for that."

"Let's take a walk."

"You can do that?"

"Of course." He stamped out his cigarette and led me away from the house and down a path way through some gardens. There were a bunch of statues and even a bench. We sat. He asked, "What troubles you, sir?"

"You won't tell anyone we spoke?"

"No, sir."

"Do you know Trowa?" I asked.

"I am familiar with Mr. Barton." He said cautiously.

"I broke them up."

Graves didn't react, so I'm assuming the fact they were together was common knowledge, "How?"

"Trowa thought I was sleeping with Quatre."

He frowned. "Oh."

" I wasn't!" I said defensively. "I tried to kill myself and he was just being a good friend." I showed my bandaged arms. I still wasn't wearing a shirt. Graves looked alarmed. "Don't worry! I… don't think I'm going to." He looked only vaguely relieved. "I had a pretty scary moment since, but… I made it through. But that's not why I'm talking to you. I am sorting all that out with a psychiatrist. I actually wanted to talk about Quatre." He nodded. "I didn't know that's why Trowa broke up with him. Trowa says they weren't actually doing well for a while and they were just waiting for an excuse to break up. I was an easy way out. That should be the end of the story… or so you'd think."

He nodded. I didn't say anything for a long moment so I guess he wanted to reassure me. "I won't tell anyone. Quatre Winner is very kind and generous. I'd never say anything that would hurt him or think any differently of him."

"I didn't know. I really did not know. If I knew… I wouldn't have….." The best part about talking to this stranger is he'd never know I actually wasn't talking about Quatre and could never call me out on it. I really am wigged out on the fact Wufei was a virgin. I won't dare tell anyone that! I was just using this situation to talk about it and sort through it without actually talking about it. "He didn't tell me! I would've never guessed. He didn't act like it. And now I've done something really stupid that I cannot take back! I'm the world's biggest asshole now… literally!" I started to cry. He looked uncomfortable. He pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket and handed to me. I gave him a small thanks. "I'm not asking for advice or anything. I... just wanted to talk about it."

"You really do care about him," He marveled.

I nodded. Sure, I care about Quatre, but this wasn't about Quatre.

"I don't want to lose your trust by telling you something I really shouldn't about Master Quatre…." And we're off track of what I really wanted to accomplish.

I sniffled, "I know. Trowa was here today. I rode in with him."

Graves looked very surprised. Good, it's really easy to tell if I've shocked him. I was beginning to wonder.

"No… he's not aware of the situation. Other than the obvious only two other people know are Ariel and Wufei thanks to Quatre. But, no one else knows. I doubt any of them would speak of it."

"I'm sorry if I was short with you earlier when you first brought this up. I'm very protective of the family. I am well aware already of much of the situation. Quatre has never been exactly discreet…."

He made me howl with laughter, "Very true."

"Trowa stopped arriving and then you started to. And you understand what it looks like."

"I know very well. I just feel really guilty…." That Wufei was a virgin… and I hardly remember being one. I'm so dirty… and I violated his purity! "I don't know what to do. If he found out…." If Wufei found out I was acting this way. "I just don't know what I'd do. I don't want this to come between them." And by them I meant Wufei and I. I really… am starting to fall for him.


	56. Locker Row Wednesday

Darkness Within  
Chapter 57

…

I missed enough school as it were, I suppose. So, I had to return. The idea terrified me a little. Mom dropped me off earlier than usual because she had to be somewhere. She didn't specify what that was. So, I was at school in a near empty hallway. The only people there were those that came by the buses.

I sat in the middle of locker row. Just as I was trying to figure out what to do with myself I heard some metallic banging. It took me a bit to figure out where it was coming from. It was clearly someone stuffed in a locker. Great. "I'll get you some help."

"No!" The locker said. "The combination is 56, 23, and 12."

Grudgingly I worked the dial and then tried to open it. "Dude… that's not working."

"You got to lift up slowly and kick the locker." His voice sounded familiar, but I couldn't place it at the moment.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"Well, okay then." I did what he asked. And opened the door to find Heero staring at me. "Whoa! You reek." He smelt like piss.

"Well, I've been in here a while." He said indignantly.

I asked, "Brent did this to you?"

"No, his posse. They found out I have been talking to you. I didn't actually expect you to be the one rescuing me though. I was hoping I could change before I saw you, but no matter. I have a message for you."

"Oh?"

"You're next." He shrugged and started to walk off toward the locker rooms… hopefully for a shower. He turned around. "And it's not going to be a locker."

"What's it going to be?"

"That's the message. I'm assuming to scare you. And he called you a faggoty violinist."

"What? I don't play violin." I said.

Heero made a motion like he was drawing a bow across his wrist. Oh, right. He rolled his eyes, "Even I got the reference. He also says he hopes you don't kill yourself."

I nodded, "Thanks for the warning."

"No problem." He finally walked.

I waited until he was out of view before I fell back on the lockers. Crap. I dug into my pockets and had it dial Wufei's number. It just rang until the voice mail picked up. Double crap. I was reluctant to do so, but I didn't know who else I could call. I dialed Quatre. Not that he'd be that much help in this situation. It took rang until voice mail. The electronic voice telling me what I had to do after the beep and if I wanted to leave a call back number to press five made me more frustrated. After the beep. So, I stupidly said, "Thanks.. I really need someone right now and neither Wufei or you are picking up…. You see him you tell him my blood is on his hands. Thanks." And hung up.

Well, I knew Brent's posse was here. It's time to leave locker row. I grabbed my bag and decided to hide out in the locker room. No one should be there now. .. well other than Heero, probably. Too late. I saw Brent before he saw me, but I had nowhere to run. Soon as he zeroed in on me he ran right toward me. I turned around and started running. I didn't know what else I could do. He caught up to me easily and grabbed my bag. This stopped me like a dog coming to the end of his leash. And I was thrown against the lockers.

Brent had held me by my biceps and a few inches from the ground. "You did this to him!" I just shook my head. I had no idea what he was talking about. "It's all your fault! You ruined everything!" I shook my head. He looked around. We were alone. He moved in close. At first I thought he was going to actually kiss me. He was that close. He didn't. He was right in my face though. "You turned him, you freak! Just like Quatre turned me." Wait… what? "I'm going to kill him. Where is he?"

"I… don't know."

"Bullshit! I know he spent the night." Well that was news to me. I shook my head. "His car was in front of your house! I am not stupid. Where is he?!"

"He… he's with Quatre." I don't actually know. "I tried calling them, but I didn't get an answer."

Brent's eyes narrowed. He let go of me and I literally dropped to the cement. "Get up." I did. He spun me around and pulled me literally into him. He dug into both my pockets and the one empty pocket he came dangerously close to getting real personal. I ran an elbow right into his face. His head jerked backward and he stumbled from the momentum. I took off like a shot toward the locker room. Soon as I was inside I turned the lock on it. I was trembling against the door. Oh my God. Brent didn't get my phone. I was assuming that was what he was after. I dialed again and again. Please… pick up. Someone. When neither of them answered I didn't know what else to do. I called Hilde, the last person on earth that I wanted to see, but I didn't know what else to do.

She picked up on the first ring. "What do you want?"

This was such a bad idea. "Hilde…."

"Did Wufei finally tell you? I told him not to, you know. I really don't want you in my life."

It took a moment to realize the animalistic wail was coming from me. It took all of my breath and so did the next series of sobs.

"Duo?" Her voice sounded really concerned. "Are you okay?"

That's such a dumb question. I held my gut and just wept.

"Duo! Talk to me."

"I-I… need Wufei."

She seemed confused, "He's not with you?"

"N—no," I wailed. "I c-can't get a hold of him-m."

She sighed, "Where are you?"

"At the sc-chool." I bit my tongue ring.

"So am I. Where exactly? I'll come get you."

"No! Please… no. J-just… get Wufei. Please…. Hurry." I hung up on her before she could be stupid. I don't want to see her. I don't know why I called her. It was stupid. I was stupid. She doesn't know what's going on.

My phone vibrated. It was probably the blue haired goon again. I ignored it the first couple of times. I just crumpled into a ball and cried. The phone was really distracting. I looked down and it was Quatre! I picked it up. "Duo! You had me worried! Where are you?"

"Is Wufei with you?" I asked weakly.

"No."

"Do you know where he is?"

"Duo, where are you? Talk to me what's going on?"

"B-Brent. He's here."

"Where are you?!" He pressed urgently.

"Where is Wufei? I need Wufei."

There was a moment of silence. "Duo… are you hurting yourself?" I covered my mouth and tried to hold back a series of sobs, but it sounded like a strangled noise. "Duo! Please! Talk to me. Stay with me. Please. What did Brent do? Are you in a locker?"

"N-no."

"Where are you? I know I'm not your favorite person right now, but I'm on your side. I want to help. Please let me help."

"D-do you know where he is?"

"No, Duo."

"W-why didn't you answer the phone when I called?"

There was a long silence before he said, "We'll talk about that later. I'm really sorry I wasn't there for you. Please don't shut me out because I didn't hear the phone."

"B-but I didn't shut you out. You shut me out. You pawned me off on Wufei. Now, I need him."

Quatre cursed, "Damn it! Let me save you. I don't know where he is. I swear if he doesn't have legitimate reason for not answering his phone I'm going to personally kick his ass. Now, please… Duo, where are you?"

"I… I want Wufei. I don't want you coming here."

"He's in the locker room." A voice that could only be Heero's said. I glared at him. He shrugged. "Sorry."

"Thanks!" Quatre said. "Duo, stay on the line."

Whatever. I set the phone down and turned the corner to where Heero was. He of course was naked. I quickly turned around. He said tauntingly, "Do you like what you see?" I didn't say anything. He said, "It sounds like your boyfriend isn't around to rescue you. But I don't suppose you know what he's been up to."

"And you do?" I asked.

"He's been posting pictures of a gay love fest between Brent and himself. I didn't see that one coming. Did you?"

"Yes." I said weakly.

"How?"

"He showed me the photos."

"Really? He tell you what Brent did to him?"

"Yes."

"That makes you stupid."

I turned around and he was still naked! Oh my God! I looked away. What the fuck dude? Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but I didn't feel like having my ass handed to me twice in one day. "How do you know all this? I thought you just let him use your dark room."

"That is true. Wufei didn't tell you?" He chuckled. "I was part of their group too."

a/n: I have no idea how the Brent thing.. is going to turn out. When I started writing I had an idea. Now... I've lost that idea. So, it's going to be interesting trying to tie it all together with what already exists. I am worried about one inconsistency with this chapter and prior work, but I think I can explain it. If I need to I will edit other chapters to accommodate the new development better.


	57. Closure

Darkness Within

Chapter 58

….

Oh no… that cotton mouth feeling. My eyelids felt like they were made out of lead. I felt like I was going to pass out as if I was far too sleepy and I shouldn't be. Quatre…. It had to have been him. He was the one that ultimately rescued me from the locker room. That much I knew. It was all a blur though. And now here I was again with cotton mouth and overwhelming desire to pee. Only the difference is I could barely keep my eyes from staying open and I was swaying between conscious and not. I desperately fought the feeling, but I was quickly losing that battle. No! I start to lose consciousness and my body does that involuntary spasm. Yes! I can move. I shift positions. I was on Quatre's bed. That didn't surprise me with all things considered. I had the clothes I wore to school on thankfully! I sat up and tore the covers off me. I glanced at my arms. They were wrapped in athletic tape. There was a little end of it on one arm buckled under, but no sign of disturbance. So, the athletic tape helped, at least for now, in avoiding hurting myself involuntarily. I touched the part of my thigh through my pants. It didn't feel any different. Good. The spot on the back of my arm… where I cut and Wufei…. I hesitated. That spot wasn't covered with tape. Stop being a puss! I grabbed my arm and felt along it. Nothing new. Relief washed through me. I feel backward on the bed and let out a breath I wasn't realizing I was even holding until that moment.

"Duo?" It was Quatre. I panicked and looked at him. He was on the opposite side of the bed as the marks I shared with Wufei, so… he didn't know. I don't think. He did see me completely freak out. And I am mad at him this time for drugging me. I'm just not going to accept anything from him that isn't sealed from here on out…..

I got out of bed intending to go to the bathroom, but ended up flat on my face. Quatre knelt down to help me. I pushed him off me. It took quite the effort just to walk the short steps to the bathroom and he kept offering help, but I shooed him. I have no idea how I managed to escape and slam the door in his face, but I was proud of that moment.

Of course soon as I lock the door…"Duo!" Quatre sounded alarmed.

"I noticed you replaced the glass soap dish with a plastic one." That was insult to injury, but I asked for that. I had a speech of all the ways I could've killed myself in his bathroom. That paired with my admission I wanted to kill myself and not sure if I could stop myself... his sudden bathroom make over doesn't surprise me. "Fair guess, but you probably removed all the medicine as well…. I'm guessing when I was passed out you checked my pockets for a knife." The fact he wasn't speaking told me that's exactly what he did. The idea disturbed me slightly, but after being manhandled by Brent I think I'm entitled. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself. "I'll be fine." I don't think fine is exactly what I am or will be anytime soon, but I won't be heading to the ER tonight and that should at least satisfy him for the moment. My head was still swimming, but I could manage to do what I set in here to do.

Soon as I stepped out he wanted to help me again! I pushed him away more forcibly. "Don't touch me!"

"Sorry…." He said in barely a whisper. "I'm not trying to get fresh with you. I just don't want you to get hurt."

"You're a bit late for that." I said harsher than I intended. "Where the fuck were you?" No, I don't really blame him for not being there. I was just mad. Not exactly at him per se… other than drugging me. I was madder at myself… and… Brent…. But I already did enough damage to myself lately and I fear if I start again… I won't stop. And if I get to that point I don't want to be stopped this time. Brent wasn't here, thank God! But… I needed an outlet. Quatre was such an easy target.

"I… was helping Wufei."

"Bullshit! You didn't even know where he was!"

"I wasn't _with_ him. My part in his plan was posting pictures of him and Brent. He supplied me the pictures last night. I just had to print them off and make a ton of copies. That's exactly what I did. My area was around Brent's home room. I didn't get the call because I had left my cell phone in the car… I am so sorry…."

"Where was Wufei?"

"I don't know! He delegated our duties in the plan and why he chose each of us for the specific task he had in mind. He never explained what he was going to do or where. I just… assumed."

"Where is he now? I have a bone to pick with him too. He said he'd protect me from Brent and he wasn't there!"

"I still don't know where he is…." Quatre sighed. "I have everyone looking for him…. Heero, Trowa, and even had my father's staff to see if he could be found at home and the school and other places he might be…."

"Did you check the kick boxing place?"

"What kick boxing place?" He asked genuinely confused. That's interesting. I thought he'd know about that.

"The driver…. I forget his name… the one we had when we had the place to ourselves. He took us to a kick boxing place… the driver would have to know the address."

Quatre looked renewed with hope. "That's probably where he is." He made a call and relayed what I had told him. And his expression was suddenly severe, "He's not there… Thomas already looked." I have no idea who Thomas was, but I assume that was the driver's name.

I swallowed hard. We are up against Brent and his goon squad…. They are clearly capable of violence. Wufei had already expected them to retaliate…. "Have you checked the hospital?"

Quatre paled, "No one had been admitted by his name or description, but I can try again…."

"Well… that's good news, right? If he wasn't in a hospital he's not hurt? Right?"

"Right, but his mother isn't home or at work either."

"What about his father?"

"I… don't know," Clearly he knew something, but he wasn't telling me. Obviously, it had nothing to do with the search for Wufei, but something deeper. I let that slide.

"Someone had to have seen him today…."

"We're asking around. It's too early to ask the police to get involved… I tried."

"Of course they don't want to do anything. They probably think he ran away."

"He didn't run away." Of course I knew that, but I understood Quatre's defensiveness about it. That's what all cops think when a teen comes up missing no matter how much evidence there is to the contrary.

"You think he's with his mom?"

"I hope so." We both doubted it. I know if I was posting homoerotic photos I wouldn't want my mom to see it… even now that she knows and already seen one.

"Does his mom know he's bisexual?"

"I have no idea," He gave me an odd look. "You know him way better than I do. You…. never met his mother?" I shook my head. "I'd think it would be safer to assume she doesn't. His said it himself that he stood by and watched me being bullied. He said he should've gotten involved and it should've been him a long time ago rather than me…. I think that might've been the first time he actually admitted it openly, actually."

"No, it's not. He talked to Hilde about it prior."

"Ah." He said softly. Then he frowned. "You… talk to her lately?"

"When I couldn't get a hold of Wufei or you… I did."

Quatre looked concerned all of a sudden, "What… did she tell you?"

Going over the conversation in my head I frowned, "I… don't know exactly. She wasn't happy to hear from me that much was obvious." He didn't seem surprised. I know I haven't exactly been her best friend, but the harsh she's been to me is a bit over reaction.

"What did you talk about?"

"I wanted to find Wufei and she didn't know where he was. Very similar to the conversation we shared," I said pointedly. Then something about the whole thing jumped at me, "Brent said his car was in front of my house last night….."

"He parked his car there. He actually stayed with me. I drove him."

"He… stayed with you?"

"No! Not.. like that. Duo, I wouldn't do that to you and neither would he!"

"I didn't mean… it wasn't an accusation…." I looked at the ground. The thought actually hadn't occurred to me. I bit my lip. "I'm just surprised. You two don't seem like you're friends."

"Wufei stood by and watched me get bullied. He used to be a bully himself! It's a bit hard for me to trust him. He deliberately went against everything I had told him… and even knowing what he was getting into he still put you in a position to get hurt! Look at your eye for fucks sake!" His face was red with anger and he was clenching his fists… He sighed, but it sounded more like he was trying to control a sob.

"Clear your throat," I advised. I didn't have much sympathy for him as he threw me at Wufei, but I decided not to throw that in his face at this moment.

"What?" He did it anyway.

"It… stops the tears." There is a whole scientific explanation, but I decided to not to look like a total geek and just explained it simply.

"What tears?" He cleared his throat again. I just nodded at him knowingly. He took a few deep breaths. "If… we… If I let us become a couple… this would've gone completely different…."

"What makes you think I'd even allow that?"

"Couple… friends with benefits… whatever. I'm not going to argue about the terminology. But I think if… I hadn't pushed you away… maybe you wouldn't be quite in this spot."

"What? You think if we dated would've changed me wanting to kill myself? I'm sorry, _hun_, but I've been there most my life. You think that it would somehow make Brent stop? Are you stupid?"

"I think it would've helped… not that it would solve all your problems. Clearly you still hold it against me and think I abandoned you. I didn't. I'm still here. I just want to be friends… not…."

"Lovers?" I supplied. "You could've just said so! But instead you just pushed me on to Wufei without even so much as a word prior! I didn't think you'd mouth off to him that we slept together! I didn't think you wanted him to know. Even after what you did to me I had _that _much respect!"

"I didn't know you had deep seated abandonment issues…."

"Is that what the shrink told you?" I was furious now.

"NO! I have no idea what you two talked about or what he thinks. It's obvious… and I probably should've known… seeing how you have a foster mother and no real family."

"She IS my real family you asshole! Do you know how difficult the adoption process is? She wants to adopt me! She's tried! She has a long history of being an excellent foster parent, but even she is having a hard time making it go through! That is how fucked up the system is."

"Why is she having so much trouble?"

"It doesn't matter… I'll age out of the system soon. The system is flawed not her. She's been my mother more than anyone else on this planet. I will not tolerate anyone telling me she's not real just because I'm not her biological son!"

"I'm sorry for saying that. And more back on point… I'm sorry I pushed you on Wufei. I… wasn't thinking. I didn't mean to tell him. You… were unconscious when we found you. I know you're suicidal…. I worried you did something…. I KNOW you did something. Please, don't insult my intelligence."

"I cut myself! That's all I did. On my thigh like I had in the picture," I couldn't look at him when I told him. "The only time I actually attempted was in the shower… and it wasn't like I planned it! I… just cut and didn't care anymore….. I told Wufei I wanted to die… I haven't… tried…."

"But you want to…." He said softly.

I nodded weakly.

"What can I do to make you want to live?"

"I just want the pain to stop."

"If I could make it go away I would…. Is there anything I could do to make you stop hating me so much for making one foolish mistake?"

I couldn't help it. I had to mess with him, "Would you have sex with me?"

His jaw worked, but he said nothing. I smirked. He gave me a suspicious look, "Um… are you considering Wufei's lack of etiquette on calling you back a form of abandonment?"

"I didn't ask you to analyze me. And it is a little insulting you think of me that stupid. The reason I had a problem with you is that you acted like you wanted to help and nosed into my business and went to great lengths and efforts to help me and then you threw me at Wufei. Not calling me is something he probably cannot help. Maybe he lost service or forgot to charge his phone or something. I asked you a simple question."

He looked confused, "Are you serious?"

"Would you or wouldn't you?"

"I told you I rather be just friends…. And I don't see how that would help you, but make matters worse….."

"So, no?"

"I didn't say that!"

"You would then?"

"Duo…."

I got the answer I wanted. He didn't want to, but he'd seriously consider it if it would save me. "Relax. I just wanted to know how far you'd be willing to go to stop me and used the one thing you seem very against repeating." He looked relieved and that made me laugh. I couldn't help but ask jokingly, "Was it really that bad for you?"

He made strange noises in his throat, "Er… no. I think it was clear I… rather enjoyed it. It's not the sex itself that's the problem…." He was blushing.

"Thanks. That kinda helps."

"Admitting I liked having sex with you?" he asked incredulously. Moron.

"No… how far you'd go to try to save me."

"I never said I would." He said defensively. I just nodded at him like I knew. He finally nodded and said softly, "I have and will go great lengths to save you. I'm just not sure what would…."We stood there in silence for a long time before he said, "You're still here… so that's something right?"

My phone vibrated and made me jump out of my skin. Quatre and I looked at each other. He looked like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I answered it, "Hello?"

"Duo?" The voice was strained, but it was clearly Wufei.

"Yeah."

He spoke quietly, "I just got my messages."

"Quatre's right here with me. We're talking." I was hoping that reassured him. I know I gave him a pretty dark message. He hissed and groaned. "'fei?" I asked suddenly concerned.

"I'm in the hospital."

"You're in the hospital?!" I screamed into the phone. Quatre grabbed the phone from me and was barking orders at him before I could react. Did Brent get to him?


End file.
